As the parent of a teenager
(don’t act so surprised—you know I’m startlingly
kittenish for my age), life has become a series of
teaching moments. Nearly every day my darling progeny
comes to me wide-eyed and earnest, shyly seeking my wisdom
on the big questions about love and life. We laugh and we
cry; we care and we share. Dinnertime at our house is just
like a Norman Rockwell painting, only with dreadlocks and
sticky linoleum.
More lies. Does my dissembling never end? In all
honesty I wouldn’t know a teaching moment if it leapt up
and chewed my face off. And these days the 13-year-old
eschews the whole caring and sharing thing in favor of
charming new habits like yawning sullenness and open
hostility; it’s just a matter of time, really, before I
ship him off to a rigorous boot camp for naughty boys
(like the ones featured on the Montel Williams show,
before he got all soft with MS).
Some things I might tell him, though, if he asked:
Never, ever, run from the police. Law enforcement
officers get angry (the short-sighted or cynical might
call it “vindictive”) when their blood pressure goes
up. Chasing people gets their blood pressure up. Don’t
make them chase you. Istanbul or Detroit, in a car or on
foot, no matter your race or age, no matter your relative
guilt or innocence, if you run from them, when they catch
you (and they will catch you), they will find a way to
discreetly beat you senseless. As with loose Rottweilers,
stand perfectly still and avoid eye contact.
If someone loves you and you don’t love them back you
are required to tell them. Be quick about it, be
gentle; then leave them be, for good. No fucking around.
Every landlord you ever have will try to screw you.
For the sake of your karma, be a good tenant. Get
everything in writing. Follow your lease to the letter and
leave the place cleaner when you move out than when you
moved in. They’ll still screw you; it’s just business.
If you become a landlord, every tenant you ever have
will try to screw you. For the sake of your karma,
keep the plumbing in good working order, welcome large
dogs and remember that when a property owner returns a
whole security deposit, somewhere in heaven a sweet widdle
angel gets its wings.
Re: your credit rating. Mistakes are forever. Pay
everything off in full. Absolutely. Everything. And if you
can’t afford it, don’t buy it.
At some point in your life you may find yourself
partaking of something every day. If you discover that
you’re willing to lie, steal, cheat, make lame excuses
or hide in order to be able to partake of said something
every day; if you catch yourself attempting to regulate,
monitor, inhibit, cut back or cut down, get yourself to a
meeting, sugar. There are Twelve Steps for everything
these days.
Conversely, at some point in your life you may find
yourself ass over tea kettle in love with an addict.
Feel free to attempt to scream, cry, curse, threaten,
demand, beg, order, cajole, wheedle, implore or berate
them into sobriety if it makes you feel productive. It won’t
work, of course, but sometimes it’s fun to try. Then get
your own ass to a meeting.
In general, parents won’t expect you to pay back
loans. Siblings will. And Thanksgiving will be a
seething, passive-aggressive hell until you do.
Don’t ask questions that you don’t want to hear the
answers for. Some examples: Do you love me? Am I
fat/boring/shallow?
Statistically speaking, 99% of the humans you
encounter will have been abandoned by their fathers.
92% will have deep-rooted, high-intensity feelings about
their mothers. Remember this when you begin dating.
While you will undoubtedly love, and likely breed with
an individual that you later discover to be a filthy,
crazy, selfish sack of crap, don’t take it
personally. If this happens more than once, however,
you’ll want to take a good hard look at the common
denominator. That would be you.
No one can make you work. Ditto for paying bills,
keeping appointments, building up savings, honoring
promises, following through, discovering your true
passions and getting enough sleep. These are things you’ll
have to do yourself.
Now give us a kiss
populargirls@tabletmag.com
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