Once upon a time, we lived in a world where no one owned anything. If you wanted to eat, you just picked some fruit off a tree or whacked a rabbit over the head with a rock. It was all free. Now, we have an infinite number of deeds, leases and legal documents telling us that every single iota of the material world is owned by someone. In fact, most of it isn’t even owned by actual people, it’s owned by inhuman economic systems, called corporations, that have the same legal rights as people, yet little of the responsibility that goes along with being an actual citizen.
But the dirty little secret of our society is that the world hasn’t actually changed—everything is still free. All those property laws, store receipts and real estate deeds are really just meaningless scraps of paper that only have power if you believe in them. So don’t wait until the next riot, go ahead and pick the fruit off the trees and the products off the store shelves. Find a gas station that isn’t pre-pay, fill up your tank and drive away. Wear a trench coat to the grocery store, keep an eye out for the cameras and stuff your pockets full of food. Just like Ken Lay stuffed his pockets full of his employees’ retirement funds. Just like the US government took the oil fields from Iraq. Just like the temp service takes a third of your paycheck. Just like the IRS takes another third. As long as we have to live under the thumb of institutions that milk us like cows in a factory farm, we might as well get some payback.
Here are a few suggestions for getting back at The Man. Have fun, but whatever you do, don’t get caught. Payback from The Man can be a bitch.
• For starters, you can always re-use stamps by cutting them off envelopes and soaking them in rubbing alcohol. This not only removes the stamp from the paper, but it also removes the postmark ink from the stamp. Drawback: In the unlikely event that you get caught, you are committing a federal offense for a profit of only 37 cents.
• Corporate chain record and book stores are the bane of smaller competitors everywhere. Unfortunately, the easiest stores to steal from are usually small businesses that don’t have alarm systems and magnetic strips on their products. But you can still stick it to the chains if you have a partner. What you do is park a getaway bike outside the door and have your partner watch it so no one steals it while you’re inside. Then just load up your backpack with music or literature, bum rush the door, hop on your bike and off you go to meet up with your partner and split the booty later on. Drawback: be careful of doors that lock automatically.
• For a day or two of unlimited checking account funds, call your bank and report your checkbook stolen on a weekend night after your bank closes. This gives you until Monday morning to write bad checks for whatever you want. Drawback: If there’s ever a serious investigation, cameras could be used to identify you. I’d stay away from writing checks for huge amounts. Also, a temporary dye job or hair cut might help.
• For the best use of temporary bad checks, go to some low-level retail store that has several different locations around town. Use your checks to buy, say, a Toro Blower or something. Use a colored pencil to alter the date on the receipt so that it looks like you bought it a few weeks earlier and the check’s already been approved (it’s not hard to do). Then go to a different store location and return the item for cash. Drawback: The more expensive the items you buy, the more likely it is that you’ll need to show ID, thus, the more likely it is that you’ll get caught later.
• Go to a cemetery, preferably a rural one that’s out of state. Find the gravestone of someone who was born around the same time as you, and who died when they were too young to have left a paper trail. Obtain a copy of this person’s birth certificate from the vital statistics office. Use the certificate to obtain a driver’s license in this person’s name. It’s best if you do this in another state, then transfer the license into the state you’re going to be operating in. Get a PO box under your new name, then order some magazine subscriptions to magazines like “Time,” “Forbes” or “Money” magazine. You’ll start to receive credit card offers. Once you have credit cards under your new name, buy a few things and pay them off to establish good credit. Eventually you’ll be able to buy more expensive items or even get hefty cash advances.
Drawback: This type of identity theft is a very common crime with very serious consequences if caught.
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