The kiss is indisputably an important segue to that happy sexy place we crave. Despite this, however, there are often more barriers than we care to admit. We know too well the phrase, “it takes two to tango,” but what we often forget is that it all starts with your lips meeting mine in an impassioned embrace overlooking the fog-laden bay—
or whoever’s… ahem. What happens next is pretty much a crapshoot.
I, for one, have had it with bad kissers—my own and others. Thanks to reality TV crack like “Average Joe Hawaii” and “The Bachelor,” we are not only armchair therapists and referees, but we are also subjected to how ugly bad kissing can look. So, bad breath and plain sloppiness aside, if you’ve doubted your kissing ability lately or just wanted to spice it up, follow along.
Kissing is instinctive and for many this is sufficient. The rest of us are left to traverse purely by trial and error. Each time we spin the proverbial bottle, we are navigating uncharted territory. Our previous successes may be very irrelevant—instead we should tread carefully and collaboratively. Being creative and remaining flexible is key. NOTE: always being the Alpha kisser is very unsexy. If we are to succeed as lip jockeys, we must first acknowledge that the individuality of our kissing styles is vast and that there is room for growth. See new smacks and kiss games below.
And no trial by fire was more searing than that first real kiss. Unfortunately, I don’t remember my very first, but I do fondly remember my first timed kiss. It was a fourth grade afternoon with amour-du-jour Kit Gray in his bedroom. While his parents rolled fresh ones in the downstairs living room, family friend and fellow stellar youngster Joshua Lyon stood stopwatch in hand. As Kit and I leaned in, lips touched, toes curled, the stopwatch beeped to a start. “Ten seconds!” later, it was a new record and the beginning of a beautiful but short-lived couples-skate-filled relationship.
My first so-called “French Kiss” took place at summer camp in Toccoa, Georgia. Deep in the woods, he stood with his back to the dining hall door. His red hair sparkled in the moonlight—DOUG! His name was Doug! Anyway, it was sloppy, it was messy, there were braces involved—it was very 14. I can say with complete confidence that, if they’d let me back on the property, I could return to the exact location with no trouble. I’ll just say this—myself, Doug and about six others didn’t return to camp the following year, for various and naughty reasons that still make my mother’s palms sweat.
FACT #1
According to astronomer and cultural critic Paulo M. Raymundo, “The Chinese are shocked with Hollywood-style kissing, and describe it as pure cannibalism (1.3 billion).”
FACT #2
The French believed that by touching tongues, you were merging souls with your partner, thus the French kiss was originally dubbed the “Soul Kiss.”
NEW KISSES TO TRY
• Electric Kiss
On an especially cool and electric night find a partner and some shag carpeting—shuffle until you are charged and, not touching at all, kiss in the dark. Recommended for parties!
• Lip-O-Suction
Two people together kiss and suck on each other’s lips exuberantly!
• The American Kiss
One person straddles the driver while they are driving. Not recommended for those with cataracts or ADD.
NOT SO NEW KISSING GAMES TO PLAY
• Spin the Bottle
NUMBER OF PLAYERS: four or more (especially fun with drunk, “curious” co-workers)
ITEMS: Empty soda or beer bottle
HOW TO PLAY: Sitting in a circle around the bottle, the first player spins. Whomever it’s pointing at is the recipient of their kiss. Continue in a clockwise-fashion.
• Post Office
NUMBER OF PLAYERS: Large groups
HOW TO PLAY: Divide the group half-and-half, asking the first group to go into another room (the Post Office). Those left in the second group take turns in the Post Office, where they go and get a kiss from each player. Switch groups!
Pucker up!
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