Now, EVERYONE gives a damn about gay marriage, don’t they? In these post-San Francisco/Portland days, it seems that everyone including the conservative Christians, the media hounds, the politicians, the heteros and, of course, we the queers ourselves, are giving a damn. All this fuss, over a population considered irrevocably mentally ill only 30 years ago? Who knew?
Nearly 6,000 gays and lesbians were pronounced “spouses for life” in California and Oregon between February 12 and April 20 this year, and for that brief period, the entire world was watching. (And now all eyes are on the newly-wedded couples in Massachusetts.) In what some called acts of civil disobedience, the leadership of Portland and San Francisco managed to open up state loopholes and grant licenses by the thousands in pairs. But those licenses, which granted never-before legal status as married citizens, complete with rights afforded to married couples in those states, were discontinued almost as soon as they were issued. And now, after thousands were left, literally, standing at the altar, we wait for our day again. But besides innumerable wedding receptions to attend and gift registries to choose from, what are we left with until the debate is settled? And was it worth it?
For those who took part, there is a sense of pride in having taken the plunge. Seattle residents and newlyweds Kathy Palacios and Mardi Boss married after a seven-year engagement on March 27 in Portland, Oregon. Boss remarked, “Our wedding was a wonderful and romantic way to bring in our community and acknowledge our commitment to each other, but we’ve always known we could do that at any old time. Still, I’d always thought why bother if it’s not legal? We took part to show the world that there are that many of us out there. Are we glad we did it? Absolutely. Our lives are changed.”
Never before in the history of the gay rights movement have gays and lesbians enjoyed such a spectacle. The media is portraying the community as vibrant and organized—teeming with committed relationships. Gone were the usual images of half-naked drag queens and multi-pierced leather daddies. Instead, every corner newsstand in America was showing lesbians in gowns carting strollers, and gay men in tuxedos flashing titanium wedding bands. And even though licenses have been discontinued and there are efforts to nullify all those issued, Boss says, “It doesn’t feel like that door is completely closed. It’s become more of a screen door, and even though it’s closed, we can still see through it.”
The reality of gay marriage’s future, however, isn’t looking so bright, despite becoming the newest and strongest conduit for the gay rights movement. On a larger scale, marriage as an institution is also now literally dividing the nation, with polls revealing 50% against gay marriage. Has this country ever been so equally divided on a social issue? It has. In 1967, when the US Supreme Court finally struck down race discrimination in marriage, the polls showed 70% still opposed to interracial unions. While not as perfectly equal a divide, consider the nearly 40 years that have passed since then and one might muster a bit of hope for a truly equitable future. The parallel of these issues is, of course, subject to scrutiny, because the interracial marriage decision did not redefine marriage as gay efforts hope. Still, the religion-based social ignorance and bigotry that fueled the civil rights movement for blacks remains to this day but is now mercilessly directed at homosexuality.
The social (read: moral) argument against gay marriage remains vague and mysterious. The rhetoric of the far right consistently asserts a set of living standards that have no application to everyday life. Mayday for Marriage, the organization that recently hosted a massive “marriage preservation” rally at Seattle’s Safeco Field, states, “We believe God, not man, created marriage. The Bible makes it clear that marriage is a legally binding public declaration of commitment and a private consummation between one man and one woman, never between the same sex.” But, there is no real reason given as to why gays can’t exist, much less marry.
In his February 24 remarks to the press, President Bush stated, “The union of a man and woman is the most enduring human institution, honoring—honored and encouraged in all cultures and by every religious faith. Ages of experience have taught humanity that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society.” Despite the inference that gays are not “natural,” there is still something fundamentally missing from this and all of the arguments—a non-religiously motivated reason why.
The real question might be “Why not?” By avoiding that question, those leading the gay marriage ban charge are simply, as stated in the February edition of “The Economist,” “obscur[ing] the real nature of marriage, which is a binding commitment, at once legal, social and personal, between two people to take on special obligations to one another. If homosexuals want to make such marital commitments to one another, and to society, then why should they be prevented from doing so while other adults, equivalent in all other ways, are allowed to do so?”
These days, court rulings to nullify the 6,000 licenses granted, constitutional bans, marriage amendments, large-scale religious right rallies, and, sadly, even death threats, are becoming the new headlines. The state of California, once celebrated for its liberal action as the first state in the nation to pass comprehensive legislation protecting same-sex couples without a court order, is now struggling to keep even the slightest forward motion. The state’s groundbreaking bill AB-205, which recognized domestic partnerships and was signed into law in 2003, is currently being aggressively challenged.
Devoid of logical opposition, and thanks to impeccable election year timing, anti-gay activists are fervently strategizing their next moves. In the gay community, the implications of gay marriage are complex and diverse, but powerful. As an issue for activism, it has reunited many previously divided factions within the gay population, bringing long-term couples out of hiding, while many others stay away in fear of the high-profile nature of the debate. Fierce debate still continues within the gay community around the issue of “civil unions” versus “marriage.” Ultimately, the resolution of the issues now facing any alternatively-coupled lifestyle cannot be “one-size-fits-all.”
As a high-profile issue, gay marriage has generated a new attitude among some Americans who never thought to consider the reality of not having legal recognition. Boss, also an attorney, says, “I think the place where it’s made the most impact is that we talk about it with everybody—family members, people down the street, my hairdresser, and even my accountant. I’m watching people stop, think about it, and actually have to say something about it. And there is an opening effect—the conversations will continue. I think that has an enormous impact.”
As a personal and relationship issue, what’s at stake is, for some, the greatest of all—basic and fundamental acceptance as legitimate members of society. Not only is marriage perceived as a significant step into adulthood and the embrace of all its inherent responsibilities, but it also can have the power to fortify and unite family and community. Seattle filmmaker Sandi Cioffi on KUOW’s “Rewind” recently commented, “What’s really at stake here is the sense of feeling normal—and a lot of people are experiencing a sense of trauma around coming out AGAIN. People who’ve been out for 20 years are going back through the sense of not being normal and of ‘I don’t get a Cuisinart, too.’ And I don’t mean that in a greedy way, more like you get the Cuisinart because Grandma thinks you’re normal.” Without the option, gays and lesbians have been left to fend for themselves, often spending entire lifetimes justifying their existence and in some cases, remaining completely closeted. Legal recognition would undoubtedly be an insurmountable success between gays and non-gays as a social unifier.
No matter what happens with gay marriage, there’s no doubt that great strides have been made in debunking a few myths about queers in this country. Thanks to outspoken Republicans and Christian rights groups, with their fervent and often large-scale responses to the issue, the mere existence of gays in America has been thrust into the spotlight. And thanks to the gays, after years of fighting the good fight for hot button issues like anti-discrimination in employment and the military, there is finally a common cause with which to ignite the nation. Together, we have managed to catapult gay rights into the forefront of American social politics, regardless of position.
Giving a damn about gay marriage is a truly American undertaking in these turbulent election times. The union of two people touches the lives of each and every member of society and will continue to do so. For the queers who’ve now experienced a time of pure freedom and legitimacy, its brevity was disheartening, but its effects are long lasting. There’s no going back now.
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