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Many people operate under the assumption that cult leaders are simply fueled by power, greed and insanity. The belief is often that these instigators have a special gift, a mission that requires the recruitment—and possible brainwash—of others. However, some of us become cult leaders by accident. We have no designs on changing society or wiping out an entire sect of people. We just want to make some friends and increase our social options.
Now, you’re probably wondering two things: How does one accidentally become a cult leader? And why go through all the trouble of becoming one just to make friends? Isn’t that what Friendster is for, or AA meetings?
In answering these questions, one might discover that even the Accidental Cult Leader has some innate power. He or she thinks differently and approaches societal tasks in a slightly askew fashion. Basically, we’re nerds. We didn’t have many friends growing up. In fact, most of our friends were animals or imaginary twins who ran a hotel in Tucson, AZ. Freaks, really. Freaks with a lot of social anxiety. So, how does a super anxious freak with no friends attempt to build a support system? Not by a casual invite to happy hour or disco bowling or by emitting raw charisma on the dance floor. Not even close. Rather, we encourage people we don’t know to check out our websites, let us spam them and hope that they all show up to take over random bars.
Sure, it’s a lot to ask of people we don’t even know. It would be much easier to say, “Hey, I really like your black T-shirt. I have a black T-shirt, too. Do you want to be friends sometime?” But instead, we cross our fingers that the nice couple we run into while postering will actually remember us, put on wigs and make-up, and show up at 10pm the following Saturday night with a bunch of strangers. Or that gaggle of gays will put Manray on hold for the weekend, all wear the same color and venture out to Ballard or the U-District to have a squirt gun fight in a very straight sports bar.
And guess what? It works. Sometimes. And suddenly, the geeky kids of yesterday are blessed with fifty friends at their birthday party. Their combined mailing lists total just less than 700 members. And, somehow, social anxiety wanes and charisma starts making guest appearances. People want to make movies about this phenomenon and newspapers suggest it as the best thing to do on a Saturday night. And now, everyone wants to know: Who is behind all of this? What’s it all about? Is this related to Smart Mobs? Is this some kind of performance art? Social statement? Are you just trying to get attention? Well, actually, we were just trying to have some fun in our own dorky way and hoping maybe to make some new friends along the way.
Then, just as you’re about to celebrate yourself, your attendance plummets. You wonder if the phenomenon is over. Are people tired of dressing up or venturing out to weird bars to do weird things? Did everyone hate the last one? Is this a stupid idea? Am I stupid? And yes, you even might wonder “Am I over?” But then you go back to the beginning, to the small vision and the small hope you once had: to have fun, to meet people, to do what works for you. Thirty new members subscribe to your mailing list. Hope and giddiness return. These are the highs and lows of the Accidental Cult Leader.
Dan & Dan's Do's & Don't's
of Being a Successful Cult Leader
DO FORCE YOUR MEMBERS TO DRESS IN UNIFORM—Dressing alike will enforce their connection to the cult and provide a built-in similarity/ice breaker for your group members.
DON’T TAKE CREDIT FOR WHAT YOU DIDN’T START—Is your cult a continuation or spin-off of something someone else invented? Give props to those people who inspired you, or else someone will find out you ripped them off and you’ll look like an asshole!
DO MAKE YOURSELF AND YOUR CULT EASILY ACCESSIBLE—Leave the complex initiations to the Masons. Make it easy for people to become involved without tapping into their fear of commitment. Self-service mailing lists and websites are perfect. Initiation fees and RSVPs aren’t.
DON’T BE BULLIED INTO CATERING TO A FEW, HIGH-MAINTENANCE MEMBERS—When people see that you’ve got a good thing going, they’re bound to want in on the action—and to tell you what you should do. Don’t let a few squeaky wheels direct your decisions. They probably won’t show up anyway.
DO BE WILLING TO GO IT ALONE—When you first start out, and even once your cult is well established, there are going to be times when you’re the only one there. Maybe for a few minutes. Maybe for an hour. Be strong and drink to calm your nerves while you wait for your members to arrive.
DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A FEW CHEAP FLYERS AND WELL-PLACED POSTERS—
A minimal investment of time and money can have an exponential impact on cult membership. And you never know who might see your posters and give you free press.
DO BE LEARY OF MEMBERS WHO JUST WANT TO GET IN YOUR PANTS—There’s something inherently creepy about star-fuckers, especially the ones who go after cult leaders. Don’t encourage them.
DON’T TAKE YOUR MEMBERS FOR GRANTED—Everyone has plenty of options, and being a member of your cult is just one of them. Give members plenty of notice to put you on their social calendar, and be sure to thank them for showing up. After all, they took a chance on you.
DO MAKE CONNECTIONS WITH OTHER CULT LEADERS—Join forces with other like-minded souls. Learn from them and get on their mailing lists. It’ll give you inspiration and help avoid scheduling conflicts.
DON’T MAKE YOUR CULT YOUR LIFE—You may have hundreds of people eager to hear what you have to say, but there are thousands who could care less. Let your cult be something you do in your spare time, not the guiding force in your existence.
MOST IMPORTANTLY... take the highs and lows in stride and remember that some day it will end. Cults aren’t meant to last a lifetime so enjoy your 15 minutes and don’t fret when it fizzles. And whatever you do, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t take yourself too seriously. It’s supposed to be fun, right?
Dan Dembiczak is the founder of Male Bonding Experiment, a cult for gay guys willing to step outside the average gay experience for one night a month. malebondingexperiment.com. Dan Garlington, aka Dirty Bunny, is the founder of Guerrilla Masquerade Party, a cult of costumed freaks who take over unsuspecting bars. gmpseattle.com.
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