Scared of meth? Bored by hash? Too old for huffing? Me too. Here are a few suggestions for escaping this sometimes-dreary world.
Sleep deprivation. Who hasn’t been punch-drunk and giddy from skimping on rest? Sleep dep makes the funny funnier. But irritability, memory lapses, slurred speech, decreased motor and sensory abilities, hallucinations and paranoia do suck.
Caffeine. A personal favorite, via overpriced espresso drinks. Also available in soda, teas, kola nuts and chocolate products. Upside: interaction with hot baristas, kidney scouring, stimulated central nervous system leading to increased alertness and concentration, and the comforting, godlike feeling that all is right with the world. Downside: insomnia, headaches, intestinal cramping, nervousness, and dizziness.
Rage. Helpful: boundary setting, clearing the air, adrenaline boost. Harmful: recklessness, violence, imprisonment, and the other driver shooting you in the face.
Arousal and orgasm. A mouth on yours, a dirty whisper into the telephone from someone far away, warm hands running up your back, a quick wank before brunch or balls-out coitus—all delectable delivery systems for this nicest of altered states. Pros: improved breathing and circulation, bright eyes, facial glow and shiny hair. Relieves anxiety and depression, combats osteoporosis and arthritis and relieves pre- and menstrual symptoms. Cons: none, unless you’re dumb about it—then, chafing/STDs/unwanted pregnancy.
Butterflies. I.e. anxiety, agitation, nerves, the jitters. Pleasant: pre-date, pre-kiss, pre-fuck. Unpleasant: mid-flight panic attacks, pre-interview, pre-dog bite, mid-shark attack.
Strenuous physicality. How-ever you get that workout (I get mine trotting to 7-11 for more cigarettes and wine), the endorphins will find you. Goods: joy or euphoria, perceived invincibility and perfection, deeper sleep, better body health and reduced pain perception. Bads: queasy adrenaline rush, exercise addiction masking weirder, more profound emotional issues, and bulldog neck.
Nicotine. My pal Nicky, nearest and dearest friend. Ups: activates dopamine in neural “reward” pathways, prevents the addicted from killing the stupid, engenders mingling with the cool kids, enhances cool kid or rough-hewn aesthetic. Downs: social ostracism, stank breath, cancer, death.
Low blood sugars. While your cardiologist wouldn’t recommend it and your spouse will shun (and likely throttle) you if you make a habit of it, that too-long-between-proteins high is interesting. Positives: empathy for the 800 million people on the planet who go hungry every day. Negative symptoms: shaking, sweating, irritability, headache, tingling, blurred vision, dizziness and confusion, nausea, vomiting, rapid heart rate, sudden tiredness, loss of consciousness (and eventually, you know, death). Not for the dabbler.
Retail therapy. Not just for arm candy anymore! Moderate use: mild exhilaration, cool shit for your home/wardrobe. If left unchecked: escalating materialism, a house full of crap, crushing debt.
Over-eating. More neurotransmitter loading, particularly serotonin and norepinephrine, which elevate mood. Nice: stress release, a feeling of calm and emotional, olfactory and gustatory satisfaction. Not nice: abdominal pain, flatulence. Long term abuse: diabetes, heart disease, pants pinching in all the wrong bits, emotional anguish when stripping in front of strangers, burial by crane.
Meditation/trance/chant/prayer/ecstatic movement. Desirable: serenity, clarity, transcendence, enlightenment. Undesirable: cult-joining, insufferable pomposity.
C’mon, everybody’s doing it.
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