Tablet Magazine #95 - Columns - Portland Behind the Bars

Portland Behind the Bars

Seantos Bartends at DOUG FIR 830 E Burnside 503.231.WOOD 3-6pm Happy Hour.

It’s cold. It’s raining. Warm up and dry off at Doug Fir, Portland’s best new shelter from the elements. With its faux timber walls, mounted moose head (don’t worry—it’s glass), and fake fur welcome desk, the bar may be the most urban approximation of a log cabin yet. Gettin’ cozy in the Northwest gloom has never been so stylish.

What’s a good way to get a bartender’s attention? Waving money is just a cheap way. I like a deep, intense stare and a quick wink from the ladies. For the guys, just stand there. Look like you know what you want until I get to you. What drink has a bad name but a great taste? Cunt Likker—magically delicious. It’s similar to a cosmo, but it has more magical properties. What’s the best line anyone has ever said to get a free drink from you? “Remind me what we did last night.” And what’s the best thing you’ve overheard a customer say? “. . .I can’t believe she did that with her sister’s boyfriend.” One time I heard someone say her friend couldn’t wipe properly, that she did it hygienically wrong. Tell us one thing about tending bar that we might not know. I’ll tell you a universal law: Everyone looks a hell of a lot better behind the bar than in front of it.

ALADDIN 3017 SE Milwauke Ave (503.233.1994)

ALESSANDRO'S 301 SW Morrison (503.222.3900)

ALEXANDER'S 921 SW Sixth Ave (503.220.1161)

THE ALIBI 4024 N Interstate (503.287.5335)

ASH STREET SALOON 225 SW Ash St (503.226.0430)

AURA 1022 W Burnside (503.597.2872)

BAR 71 71 SW 2nd (503.241.0938)

BERBATI'S PAN 231 SW Ankeny St (503.248.4579) — berbatis.com

BEULAHLAND 118 28th Ave (503.235.2794)

BIDDY MCGRAW'S 6000 NE Glisan St (503.233.1178)

BITTER END 1981 W Burnside Ave (503.517.0179) — bitterendpub.com

BOXXES 1035 SW Stark (503.226.4171)

BRASSERIE 626 SW Park (503.224.5552)

BRAZEN BEAN 2075 NW Glisan (503.294.0636)

THE BRIG 1035 SW Stark (503.226.4171)

BUSH GARDEN 900 SW Morrison (503.226.7181)

CANDLELIGHT CAFÈ & BAR 2032 SW 5th (503.222.3378)

CC SLAUGHTER'S BAR 219 NW Davis (503.248.9135)

THE COMMODORE 1601 S Morrison (503.224.0051)

CONAN'S PUB 3862 SE Hawthorne (503.234.7474) — conans-pub.com

CRYSTAL BALLROOM 1332 W Burnside (503.225.0047)

DANTE'S 1 SW 3rd (503.226.6630) — danteslive.com

DRIFTWOOD ROOM 729 SW 15th (503.223.6311)

THE DIRTY DUCK 439 NW 3rd (503.224.8446)

DUFF'S GARAGE 1635 7th Ave (503.234.BEER)

DV8 5021 SE Powell (503.772.2907) — ashstreetsaloon.com/dv8

EAGLE PDX 1300 W Burnside (503.241.0105)

EGYPTIAN ROOM 3701 SE Division (503.236.8689)

EMBERS 11 NW Broadway (503.222.3082)

FERNANDO'S HIDEAWAY 824 SW 1st (503.248.4709)

FEZ 316 SW 11th (503.221.7262) ext 41

GOODFOOT PUB & LOUNGE 2845 SE Stark (503.239.9292)

GREEN ROOM 2280 NW Thurman St (503.228.6178) — grpub.net

HOBO'S 120 NW 3rd (503.224.3285)

HOPPERS PUB & GRILL 11119 SE Division St (503.256.9521)

JASMINE TREE 401 SW Harrison (503.223.7956)

JAX 826 SW 2nd Ave (503.228.9128) — jaxbar.com

JOQ'S 2521 NE Broadway (503.287.4210)

KELLY'S OLYMPIAN 426 SW Washington (503.228.3669)

LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE 2958 NE Glisan (503.232.1504)

LOLA'S ROOM 1332 W Burnside (503.225.0047)

LUSH 610 NW Couch (503.223.5874)

MADAME BUTTERFLY 425 SW Stark (503.525.0033)

MARY'S CLUB 129 SW Broadway (503.227.3023)

MEOW MEOW 320 SE 2nd (503.230.2111) — themeowmeow.com

MOMO BAR MAXIMO 725 SW 10th Ave (503.478.9600)

MOTHER'S 206 SW Stark (503.4641122)

MT TABOR THEATRE & PUB 4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd (503.238.1646)

OHM 31 NW 1st (503.223.9919)

OLD CHURCH 1422 SW 11th Ave (503.222.2031) — oldchurch.org

PANORAMA SW 10th & Stark (503.223.4171)

PORKY'S PUB 835 N Lombard (503.283.9734)

PRODUCE ROW CAFÈ 204 SE Oak (503.232.8355)

RABBIT HOLE 203 SE Grand Ave (503.231.2925)

RED CAP GARAGE 1035 SW Stark (503.221.7262)

SAUCEBOX 214 SW Broadway (503.241.3393)

SCANDALS 1038 SW Stark (503.227.5887)

SHANGHAI TUNNEL 211 SW Ankeny (503.220.4001)

SILVERADO 1217 SW Stark (503.224.4493)

SPACE ROOM 4800 SE Hawthorne (503.235.8303)

THREE SISTERS TAVERN 1125 SW Stark (503.228.0486)

TILLICUM CLUB 8585 SW Beaverton (503.292.1835)

TONIC LOUNGE 3100 NE Sandy Blvd (503.239.5154)

TUBE 18 NW Third (503.241.8823)

TWILIGHT CAFÈ AND BAR 1420 SW Powell (503.236.7668)

VIRGINIA CAFÈ 725 SW Park (503.227.0033)

XV 15 SW 2nd (503.790.9090)