As a clown, I belong to a species that predates Homo sapiens by about 50,000 years, so I often feel like a parent—a drunken, absentee parent—watching two selfish children squabbling over a toy. In this time of deep division in our country, the search for unity is of utmost importance, and I’m here to help. First off, you need to find a common language in which to frame the national debate. Second, nothing unites people like having a common enemy. Allow me to demonstrate both of these principles in regards to one of the most divisive issues of our time: abortion. Consider this your first lesson in the art of “reaching across the aisle” to come together as one.
The term “abortion” has become so loaded that no one is willing to give an inch in the debate. Therefore, when I become dictator of the universe, it will no longer be called “abortion.” It will be called the “pre-emptive death penalty.” That way, conservatives get the pre-emptive strikes and death penalty they’re so fond of, and we’ll throw the liberals a bone by keeping abortion legal (and possibly mandatory). Everybody’s happy.
I think intelligence agencies around the world—the British, the French, even the UN—would agree with me that virtually all of the threats to America today come from people who’ve been born. So the trick is to deal with these gathering potential threats before they’re able to become real threats. It’s entirely possible that unborn fetuses could grow up to rob you at gunpoint, or rape you, or get that promotion that should’ve been yours. They could even grow up to have ties to terror networks or possess weapons of mass destruction. While it may be true that these embryonic fear mongers don’t possess WMDs in the womb, once they get out, it is conceivable that they’d get access to those weapons eventually. There’s enough nuclear and/or nucyooler material around that, odds are, sooner or later someone’s going to push the button and millions of people are going to die. But I can guarantee they won’t be able to push that button if they haven’t even developed fully formed fingers yet.
Now, conservatives may object with their stale “sanctity of life” routine, but if the rising death toll in Iraq is any indication, national security outweighs sanctity of life for these folks, so they should shut up. Touchy-feely, limp-dick liberals may feel that the death penalty is too harsh for these suspected terrorists, especially given that there’s no proof that any of them will actually attack us, but this attitude is a bit passÈ. We’re at war here, people. Concepts like “proof” or even “evidence” are being relegated to the historical scrap heap. Besides, don’t tell me you wouldn’t take a coat hanger to Barbara Bush’s uterus if you could go back in time. Think of all the lives that would’ve been saved if America hadn’t slept through her first trimester.
The world changed on 9/11. We can no longer wait for our enemies to come to term, develop motor skills, learn to read, grow up, and acquire the training, desire and means to harm our citizens. They’re out there, hunkered down in their amniotic sacks, just glistening with dangerous potential and we have to take the fight to them. We have to hunt them down and smoke them out of their holes. We can’t afford to wait for a smoking gun in the form of a mushroom cloud.
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