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We’ve seen love dolls hanging in porn shop windows, either screaming like a mute siren or peacefully grinning as if in a casket. Anyone who says they haven’t wondered what copulating with a love doll is like is lying. Companies keep making those masturbation aids found in millions of bedroom dressers. Who hasn’t wondered if screwing an inflatable lover would trump a trusty old vibrator?
My curiosity finally got the best of me recently. I don’t try to claim that screwing a love doll is a Hemingwayesque adventure and the world will benefit from the retelling of it. But, maybe I can help readers save a couple hundred bucks. For a lot of lonely people, love dolls are a way of life. In addition to the fake mouths, vaginas and rectums available for sexual catharses, love dolls come in all shapes, sizes, sexes and species. For those who find the “perfect” inflatable woman or man a bit vanilla, there are inflatable naughty grannies, fatty patties, aliens, translucent cyber babes, pigs, sheep and even a flashlight with a prosthetic mouth for those times when a fist just won’t do. The Rolex of love dolls has to be Real Doll. Fabricated at $5000 a pop by Hollywood special effects artists, Real Doll is a made-to-order sex mannequin with remarkably lifelike features.
I wanted to get the $329 “Lorissa Love Doll,” modeled after a supposed porn star, but settled on a model called, “Devon’s Pleasure Doll.” She cost $120 and still had one of those vibrating vaginas. I decided to get into the situation with my doll. I broke out the lava lamp, shaved and started calling the doll Angela because I used to get a lot of mail delivered for someone with that name and used to joke that she was my ex. For music, I chose between Slowdive for intimacy and KISS for aggressive sex. Once the lights were down, Angela and I got busy.
How people climax with these dolls is beyond me. I don’t have the biggest penis on the block, but thrusting in and out of this thing was still nearly impossible no matter how much Astroglide I applied. The vibrator makes a muffled buzzing that’s really distracting. The only way I remained fairly comfortable was to remain inside the vagina and rock Angela gently back and forth. A strange thing then occurred. I found myself thinking about porno and women that I’m currently crushing on. Who hasn’t done THIS with a real life lover when sex has become stale? The situation became absurd, so I pulled out and my sex life with Angela was over.
I’m not sure what to do with her. There must be another way to recoup my $120, but all I can think of is floating on her in Lake Washington during the summer. I’d give her away, but I don’t think I could find the right approach to ask my buddies. Not that I’m embarrassed, but a friend sticking his dick in my wiped out love doll is like pissing too close to a campsite tent, and we’d both know it. Perhaps I can keep her in my car’s trunk and try to use the HOV lane.
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