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Oscar Night Medley

Billy Crystal is long gone, but the Academy Awards medley need not be! The Tattler sings of 2012’s best films.

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(Photoillustration Tablet Magazine)

The 85th Academy Awards are being hosted by Seth MacFarlane this year, leaving open the real possibility that they will not feature a parodic opening medley with all the names of the Best Picture nominees, and even if they do, it will be performed by Seth MacFarlane, which is a big problem. To my mind, this medley has to be performed, and it has to be performed by Billy Crystal, otherwise the whole thing is unofficial and nobody really won, like how if they don’t lift you up in chairs at your wedding, you’re not really married.

And yet! As Tablet Magazine is a place of wonder where dreams come true, I have somehow been allowed to write and perform my own Crystal-esque Oscar medley in the style of my idol Marc Shaiman, which I hope will mitigate some of this disappointment.

I know. It’s insane. But here! It! Is!

Musical direction by Rich Silverstein, our official accompanist. Sound engineering by David Gould. Give it a listen (and when you hear my voice, please pretend you are listening to Patti LuPone.) Lyrics appear after the jump, but spoiler alert, the jokes get spoiled if you read them.

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shirahadasha says:

Nice job. Beautiful singing voice!

Nice that Tom Lehrer is back again, and now so feminin!
Let’s Poison Oscars in LA…

marjorie ingall says:

BRILLIANT. “wake me up before you go-go” has never deserved such awesomeness. also, i fear i must share the little mermaid/pi song with my spawn.

disqus_qETLOtXlgK says:

Billy Crystal is very much alive!!! Why would you make such an insensitive statement about this wonderful actor and a brilliant host?

Are you kidding? We love Billy Crystal! This whole thing is a tribute to Billy Crystal! And I think the headline only refers to they fact that he’s not hosting the Oscars this year, as you can see from the first paragraph.

Mouthpiece says:

Omigod! She’s funny, she’s clever, she can sing, she’s hot AND she’s Jewish! Not, it’s not Barbra, it’s Rachel!

clever clever!!!!!!

Hannah says:

Awesome! I want more!

francis321 says:

uptil I looked at the paycheck which was of $9478, I have faith that my
neighbours mother woz like actualie bringing in money in their spare
time on there computar.. there great aunt haz done this for under 11
months and just cleard the mortgage on there apartment and got a great
new Audi Quattro. read more at, jump15.comCHECK IT OUT

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Oscar Night Medley

Billy Crystal is long gone, but the Academy Awards medley need not be! The Tattler sings of 2012’s best films.