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Film

Oscar Night Medley

Billy Crystal is long gone, but the Academy Awards medley need not be! The Tattler sings of 2012’s best films.

By Rachel Shukert|February 22, 2013 12:00 AM|9comments
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(Photoillustration Tablet Magazine)

So let the polar icecaps melt
Let the Aurochs come from the Arctic shelf
Give the Oscar out to a 6-year old today
’Cause you can’t stop the beasts!

***

I dreamed a dream
I dreamed it for you, Annie
It’s gonna come true, Annie
You thought I was through, oh but Annie:

Pull the tooth!
Shave the head!
Nineteen years just for stealing some bread!
Who am I? Jean Valjean.
Jackman, everything’s Les Misérables

Haul the boat! Wince with pain!
Whack your head on that wall by the Seine!
Singing live, camera’s on
Russell, everything’s Les Misérables

But she can do it!
Bring the golden guy home!
Anne can do it!
Fantine is gonna see to it!

Sell the hair! Poor Cosette!
Then lose thirty-five pounds on a bet!
You were swell, like on Glee
Ask Adele, she’ll agree
And so you’ll hear the Oscar goes to you!

***

Because everything’s Amour and Lincoln and Life of Pi
Argo and Playbook and Django—unchain that guy!
Zero Dark Thirty and Beasts of the Southern Wild
Everything’s Les Misérables on this Oscar night!!!!!!!

***

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Rachel Shukert, a Tablet Magazine columnist on pop culture, is the author of the memoirs Have You No Shame? and Everything Is Going To Be Great. Starstruck, the first in a series of three novels, is new from Random House. Her Twitter feed is @rachelshukert.
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  • shirahadasha

    Nice job. Beautiful singing voice!

  • http://www.facebook.com/hanno.loewy Hanno Loewy

    Nice that Tom Lehrer is back again, and now so feminin!
    Let’s Poison Oscars in LA…

  • marjorie ingall

    BRILLIANT. “wake me up before you go-go” has never deserved such awesomeness. also, i fear i must share the little mermaid/pi song with my spawn.

  • disqus_qETLOtXlgK

    Billy Crystal is very much alive!!! Why would you make such an insensitive statement about this wonderful actor and a brilliant host?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rachel-Shukert/504782848 Rachel Shukert

    Are you kidding? We love Billy Crystal! This whole thing is a tribute to Billy Crystal! And I think the headline only refers to they fact that he’s not hosting the Oscars this year, as you can see from the first paragraph.

  • Mouthpiece

    Omigod! She’s funny, she’s clever, she can sing, she’s hot AND she’s Jewish! Not, it’s not Barbra, it’s Rachel!

  • http://www.facebook.com/allie.mink Allie Mink

    clever clever!!!!!!

  • Hannah

    Awesome! I want more!

  • francis321

    uptil I looked at the paycheck which was of $9478, I have faith that my
    neighbours mother woz like actualie bringing in money in their spare
    time on there computar.. there great aunt haz done this for under 11
    months and just cleard the mortgage on there apartment and got a great
    new Audi Quattro. read more at, jump15.comCHECK IT OUT

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Oscar Night Medley

Billy Crystal is long gone, but the Academy Awards medley need not be! The Tattler sings of 2012’s best films.

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