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Don’t Fear the Reaper

Shielding kids from the Yizkor memorial service, or death in general, is misguided—as children’s books suggest

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The author and her daughter read Charlotte’s Web. (Tablet Magazine)

Yom Kippur, the Jewish holiday perhaps most suffused with awareness of mortality, fragility, and loss, also features the parental equivalent of the Running of the Bulls: the rapid-fire herding of children out of the Yizkor service. For generations, mothers and fathers have tried to shield their kids from the memorial prayers for the deceased. To some degree, they may just want to protect their kids from boredom and/or protect the congregation from fidgety, whiny disruptiveness during a somber section of the holiday liturgy. But there’s also an element of superstition to the rushing: Don’t expose kids to the roll call of dead peeps! Ptui ptui ptui! Are you trying to tempt the evil eye? Do you want to induce Satan to snatch the living parents?

This attitude is misguided. First off, Satan has better things to do than pounce on the families of children who stay for Yizkor. He’s busy producing Rush Limbaugh’s radio show. And second, shielding kids from death—and even talk of death—does them a disservice.

Children understand more than their parents think. Even if they’ve never attended a funeral for a family member, they’re likely to have heard about a friend’s family’s loss or experienced the death of the class guinea pig or goldfish. And if they have had a relative die, they’ve processed the loss in their own way. The National Alliance for Grieving Children offers helpful suggestions for parents trying to understand childhood grief. And the New York Times recently ran a story about how the practice of not allowing children to attend funerals has fallen into disfavor: Trying to safeguard kids from mourning, and even from the awareness of mortality, tells them that death is something horrid and shameful, something they’re unable to cope with. The Times quotes Alan Wofelt, a psychologist in Fort Collins, Colo., who calls America a “mourning avoidant” culture with “a tendency to overprotect children from the realities of grief and loss.” I agree, and would add that kids intuitively understand sins of omission. If you’re using euphemisms, dropping your voice, or yanking them out of a sanctuary when the subject of death comes up, you’ve conveyed that you’re hiding something terrifying. And that can be more frightening for kids than death itself.

Fortunately, there are some great books to help parents talk to their kids about death in a way that’s age-appropriate and authentic, but not terrorizing.

For the youngest children, finding emotionally and Jewishly pertinent picture books can be a real challenge. For them, the finality of death is hard to understand. But the finality of everything is hard to understand! When my dad died, Josie was just shy of 3. When we knew we were visiting him in the hospital for the last time, we told her he wasn’t likely to wake up. “I will kiss him and wake him up,” she said confidently (and wrongly). After he died, she kept saying, “That’s Zayde,” whenever the phone rang, and telling us she wanted to sing to him. She listened when we said we wished she could. And she drew endless pictures of Zayde in a cemetery, presenting them one after another to my mom. She processed in her way.

So, to introduce 3- to 6-year-olds to the notion that there’s an inevitability to death, I like books that focus on the life cycle, like The Story Goes On by Aileen Fisher. And I like books that discuss the way beauty and kindness show us the presence of God even when bad things happen, like Because Nothing Looks Like God by Lawrence Kushner and Karen Kushner, illustrated by Dawn Majewski. I’m not crazy about most nonfiction books that tackle the whys and wherefores of death (because I want to direct that conversation myself, and because I find the greatest truths in fiction), but I do like the matter-of-factness of When Dinosaurs Die and the non-denominationally Jewish and thoughtful Where Do People Go When They Die? by Rabbi Mindy Avra Portnoy. These books don’t talk about, say, God taking Grandma to live with Him or people becoming angels—common themes in kids’ books about death, but theologically dicey propositions for a lot of us Jews.

When my girls were around 5 or 6, they loved hearing me read Patricia Polacco’s Mrs. Katz and Tush, about an elderly, wary Jewish widow and an African-American boy in her apartment building who gives her a tailless kitten. Mrs. Katz winds up welcoming both the kitten (named Tush, of course) and the boy, Larnel, into her circumscribed life. She shares memories of her husband Myron and their life together, invites Larnel to visit Myron’s grave and place a stone on it, and shares a Passover Seder with him. “Part of the dinner is sad and part of it is happy!” she explains. On the last page of the picture book, we see an adult Larnel, with Mrs. Katz holding his baby and an elderly, fat Tush sitting by their side. She’s no longer lonely. In the end, Larnel places a stone on Mrs. Katz’s headstone.

My kids loved having me read this to them in large part because I sobbed at the ending every time. They weren’t freaked out by my tears. They were a little a little sad, a little thrilled, and a little tickled at the strangeness of seeing my eyes well up and my voice catch. They liked hearing me explain why the book affected me so much. They liked the notions of continuity and memory and liked knowing that the book made me think about Zayde. They felt they knew Zayde, even though he died before Maxie had even been born. They understood, as Mrs. Katz did, that part of life is sad and part of it is happy.

My girls are older now, 7 and 10. It’s hard to find read-alouds that work for both of them and engage me, too. So, maybe it’s not surprising, though I swear it’s coincidental, that the last two bedtime books in our house have been about death. Each Little Bird That Sings, by Deborah Wiles and A Greyhound of a Girl, by Booker Prize-winner Roddy Doyle are both suffused with loss. And both are funny. Wiles’ book is set in a rural Mississippi funeral home run by a family that has just lost its two oldest members. The narrator, 10-year-old Comfort, offers advice to mourners: “Don’t try to hide death from kids,” she tells us. “If Grandpa has died, don’t say, ‘We lost Grandpa,’ because little kids will want to know why you don’t go look for him. Just say, ‘Grandpa died.’ Don’t say ‘Grandpa passed,’ either, because we’ll wonder what grade he was in.” She’s right—euphemisms and elisions do more harm than good. And again, like life, this book is sad, but also happy. Comfort has to deal with terrible things (the author wrote it after a series of shattering losses in her own family), but she knows that rising to the occasion, helping others, and not letting sorrow turn her into a jerk or paralyze her is what menschiness is. (Not that she knows the term. She is as goyish as mayonnaise.)

The Doyle book is a ghost story about four generations of Irish women that makes death seem like a kind of intimacy. Twelve-year-old Mary is facing the imminent death of her beloved Granny, Emer. Then she meets and befriends Tansey, the spirit of Emer’s own mother, who died when Emer was only 3. The book moves back and forth among the stories of Mary, Tansey, Emer, and Mary’s mom Scarlett. It’s clear how Tansey’s untimely death has had an impact on generations. But a wacky, spontaneous road trip undertaken by the four women gives them the chance to talk, joke, and prepare for even more loss. I loved it; the girls merely liked it. “Nothing much happens,” they said. They wanted time travel. I’m older, and I’ve lost more, and the notion of talking with a dead parent felt like the most wonderful kind of time travel to me.

The death of an animal, which many kids experience before the death of a beloved person, can be a good way to prepare kids for loss, and grief, and Yizkor, and there are plenty of books that use this as a jumping off point to start a conversation about death. For picture-book readers, I love Judith Viorst’s The Tenth Good Thing About Barney (which shows that anger is often part of grieving), and for middle-grade readers, I adore Sharon Creech’s Love That Dog (which shows that not wanting to talk about grief is also normal). Many kids and adults, me included, are moved by the folk-arty paitings and words in Cynthia Rylant’s Dog Heaven, but despite its faux simplicity, I don’t think this book is great for small children who are struggling with the permanence of death (wait, how do dead dogs run around?) or for parents who want a vision that works within Jewish belief systems (it’s very sweet but not very us to say that “every angel who passes by [in Dog Heaven] has a biscuit for a dog”).

But perhaps the greatest children’s book about death is Charlotte’s Web. In my opinion, it is the greatest children’s book about anything. Part of the miracle is that it can be appreciated by 6-year-olds as a read-aloud about animals, and by tweens as a book about growing up and creating a separate identity from their parents. In it, Charlotte the spider, facing her own mortality, tells Wilbur the pig that life will go on after she’s no longer in it. But befriending him, and doing the mitzvah of writing words in her web that has saved his life, has given her life meaning. “After all, what’s a life, anyway?” she asks him. “We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.” And she reassures him, in E.B. White’s gorgeous language, that death is part of the cycle of life. “Winter will pass, the days will lengthen, the ice will melt in the pasture pond. The song sparrow will return and sing, the frogs will awake, the warm wind will blow again. All these sights and sounds and smells will be yours to enjoy, Wilbur—this lovely world, these precious days …”

This Yom Kippur, let’s not rush our kids out of the room at Yizkor time. Let’s share stories of our departed loved ones. Let’s read books that help kids see death as part of life. And let’s think of the meaning of the traditional Yom Kippur benediction, g’mar tov: Finish well. We should finish the year on a note of thoughtfulness and courage.

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sydney pfeiffer says:

I found an excellent explanation for why those with parents leave shul at yizkor–

Given that they do not say yizkor, or anything else for that matter, they find themselves idle. And since nature abhors a vacuum, they will turn to their neighbor and do what is natural–have a conversation. This becomes disruptive, especially when others who are saying yizkor can become emotional. So the practice has arisen for those not participating to leave shul and have their conversations in the foyer.

The alternative is to have those not saying yizkor say a “kapitel” of T’hillim or some other alternate prayer to occupy themselves for what is all of 5 minutes (maybe 10 with a good/bad chazan).

The idea that staying in for yizkor can bring an “ayin hara” is obviously nonsense–unless it is the evil eye from the elderly person saying yizkor who is being irritated by the idle conversations that seems the occur in shul.

G’mar Chatima Tova and well over the fast.

The best children’s book about death that I’ve ever read is Julia’s Kitchen: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0374399328/

Marjorie Ingall says:

Lisa, I’m ashamed to say I don’t know that book! I just put a hold on it at the library. Thanks for the tip — I’m looking forward to reading it.

Larry Rose says:

This is an interesting essay, and I agree with the points that Ms. Ingall makes about the futility of attempting to “protect” children by excusing them from Yiskor … but –

The Yiskor service in traditional shuls excludes everyone who has two living parents — whether they’re children or adults. Whether or not this tradition arose in an attempt to avoid the evil eye, the tradition honors one immutable fact of life: People who have lost a parent are existentially different than people who have not. The loss of a parent, regardless of the quality of one’s relationship with that parent, is profoundly complex; the Jewish tradition of limiting one period of Yom Kippur’s reflection to people who are roughly “in the same boat” shows tremendous insight into psychology and the human condition.

I grew up in a Reform temple in which the entire congregation stood for Kaddish — explained as a why to remember the Six Million and show support for mourners — and remained for Yiskor. Now I wonder whether this practice isn’t somewhat demeaning to mourners, as it can dilute the unique immediacy of their own, personal experience.

Children should not be artificially sheltered from a full (age-appropriate) understanding of life — but perhaps not at the jeopardy of those who need a different, private experience.

I leave (and my kids do too) at Yizkor for the simple reason that once you are recalling a loved one at Yizkor, it’s forever. No need to rush the inevitable. Nothing to do with superstition, though I realize that others feel differently.

In our case, it has nothing to do with avoidance of an awareness of mortality either. We visit our shul cemetery several times a year just to visit and pay respects. All my kids (9, 12, 14) can read a Hebrew tombstone, and my 14-year old read about 2000 stones and entered their information into an online database as his bar mitzvah project. The kids are friendly with the local Jewish War Veterans group and have enlisted their friends to place flags on Memorial Day. It is incredibly important for kids to recognize that death (and cemeteries) are part of the cycle of life and remembrance, and for them to know this long before they need to go to a cemetery to mourn a loved one, when it is hard to find comfort and perspective.

That being said, they can use a break to go outdoors and smell the sweet fall air by the time Yizkor comes around. Doesn’t hurt me either. So for us, we take it.

The Wifely Person says:

My mother once told me that it was not for me that I was sent out. It was for her. Yizkor is hard and one needs to focus on one’s own needs. My first yizkor ever was for my husband and my younger son was with me (the elder was 500 miles away at his own shul). My parents would later tell me it was the most difficult they had endured _because_ they knew their daughter was at her first yizkor. Now that I have had three years of yizkor, I can tell you without question that if there is no reason for one to be there, one should leave. Do not hurry the experience. On the day you are required to be there for the first time, it will be more meaningful and you will understand the need for individual privacy.

http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/

Rachel B says:

You should point out that the Yizkor ceremony is ONLY performed in Ashkenazi synagogues. Isn’t it about time you come to terms with the fact that “Jewish” DOES NOT EQUAL “Ashkenazi”?

Really, after so many decades, it’s about time you finally got it.

Rachel B says:

Wow… what the hell does this have to do with Rush Limbaugh?? Does EVERY Tablet article now an opportunity to bash conservatives?

Please grow up, and get a grip.

Many Tablet readers do vote Republicans. And we don’t appreciate being called “fans of the Devil”.

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Don’t Fear the Reaper

Shielding kids from the Yizkor memorial service, or death in general, is misguided—as children’s books suggest

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