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Why I Couldn’t Donate My Eggs

Selling my eggs to help a childless couple seemed like an easy, uncomplicated way to make money. Then I thought about my own extended family.

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A billboard urges women to donate their eggs to childless couples trying for a family. (Johnny Eggitt/AFP/Getty Images)

I decided to sell my eggs.

The notion got into my head about a year ago. “Donate” was officially the correct term, because selling eggs isn’t legally allowed, so to skirt around this issue, agencies call it “donating”—with $10,000 given as compensation for the medical processes and physical pain involved in the “donation.” But really, in plain terms, I would be selling my eggs.

Why did I want to do this? Mine was the shameful answer of single moms and young students everywhere: for the money. It seemed like a relatively simple thing to do for the amount I’d be paid. Plus, there was something cool about being able to give someone else the chance to have a child. I imagined a loving couple, happy but for the fact that they couldn’t have a baby without some help. I imagined myself, their savior, descending from nowhere, leaving them with their perfect baby, and then vanishing.

Plus, I really didn’t get why it was a big deal.

Everyone I would casually mention it to—What are your summer plans? Oh, you know, not much, just gonna sell an egg or two—would immediately look horrified, as if I’d suggested kidnapping a Chinese baby and selling it for a profit. They’d argue with me: That egg is your child, they’d say. It’s not my child, I’d respond, it’s an egg that’ll probably just end up on a tampon otherwise. You’re still young, they’d insist. Exactly, I’d agree, they’re perfect for donating! They’re so healthy. They’re practically doing yoga down there.

Inevitably we’d come to the Jewish problems. I had answers for that, too. My “child,” they’d claim, would be halachically Jewish, and should therefore be raised in a Jewish home. Maybe, but there was a Jewish agency I found that only took eggs from Jews and put them in equally Jewish wombs; problem solved. Then came the realization that this “half-child of mine”—that’s how someone described it, to which I replied that it’s not half a child, it’s half my DNA, which would hopefully become a full child—could potentially meet one of my future children, and what if they fell in love and got married? Unlikely, but possible, I’d admit. This creepy incest issue was the only one I didn’t really have an answer to. But really, I assured myself, how likely was that to happen?

No argument could sway me. My mom rolled her eyes when I brought it up. My boyfriend grew impatient with the topic; discussing it was useless, as I just couldn’t understand what the problem was. My therapist implied—well, more like straight-up told me—that I sounded like a sociopath. There’s nothing wrong with donating your eggs, she said, but you should understand why it’s such a huge decision.

I was just being logical, I thought, and everyone else was being excessively emotional. This egg was just one of thousands. And it wouldn’t be my child; I wouldn’t carry it in my womb, birth it, or raise it. Someone else would do all that.

I wondered: Would everyone get this upset if I were a guy discussing donating my sperm? Sure, the procedure is less invasive, but the moral dilemmas are the same. A sperm donor, too, would have an offspring he’d never meet (unless, of course, his own future child married his donated-sperm child, which apparently everyone was worried about). I theorized that people got more upset when a woman volunteered to donate, because of the assumed maternal instinct, and that bothered the combative feminist inside me. But no matter, I am a woman and what I had to offer were healthy, happy little eggs with DNA that had worked rather well for me so far.

I had done all the research: I found the organization I wanted to do it through, I read up on the medical processes. I even decided I would do it over the summer, when I had more time to undergo the various procedures. It was all but done.

And then. Then, a conversation with a friend made me feel the connection with this anonymous egg of mine that everyone else had been feeling instead of me. I didn’t expect my mind to be changed—I’m as stubborn as they come, I like to think logic can always trump emotion, and I certainly didn’t think of this unfertilized egg as anything that would be related to me. But in the end, it was emotions that tripped up my get-rich-quick plan. Finally I connected with what everyone was making such a fuss over. And this came, unexpectedly, out of a conversation about my cousins.

My siblings and I were raised by my mother, who was an only child, and my stepfather. One of the things about my childhood that’s always bothered me, something I wish could be different, is that my step-cousins never really felt like my cousins. I’d go to family reunions and feel like the outsider. They shared something deeper than I did; they understood each other in some indescribable way. I came into the family when I was already 4 and I didn’t have the same nose, hair, or personality quirks that they did.

The contrast with my father’s family is stark. My father died when I was 3, and his only brother lives in Israel. When I make my trips to see my cousins there, I finally understand what having an extended family felt like. My siblings and I were raised together; it makes sense that we share a sense of humor and a love for nerdy things. But six boys and girls halfway across the world, getting our jokes and having our orthodontist’s dream teeth? That was pure genetics. I felt at home in their house like nowhere else, except for my own home.

Thinking about my family, I realized that I’d be taking away from that egg—that future child, even future adult—what I missed so much in my life. Suddenly, I felt protective over that person; I felt the need to keep it safe from harm and hurt. I felt the connection everyone else assumed I’d have all along. And once those emotions were involved, I couldn’t take them back.

Logically, I suppose, my initial instinct was still right. My egg is, biologically, just an egg. It’s not a child. But if I did donate it, one day it might be a child. And that child would grow up never knowing the feeling of loving someone with the same snub nose it might have. That child would wonder why it—not it, he or she—felt the need to insert sarcasm into every conversation. He would never know the bond of a genetic relative. No matter what logic told me, my feelings had changed, and I couldn’t go through with it.

That couple out there waiting for a donor has every right to make a baby using someone else’s egg. I just don’t want it to be mine.

***

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Leslie78 says:

I see what you tried to do at the end there, but I don’t think you can get around the issue that you have essentially condemned what the infertile couple are trying to do as being unfair to the child.  Plenty of us grow up in very small families without cousins who have matching physical features.  I think the mitzvah of assisting another couple bring a Jewish child into the world is more important than these emotions about cousins, which may not even be felt by other people in the manner you suggest.

Beth H says:

The Jewish community is MILES behind other communities when it comes to having honest discussions about infertility and the high cost of adoption.
My spouse and I tried for years to have a child; by the time we realized that pregnancy would elude us, we’d run out of medical options and money. We couldn’t afford to adopt, and when it came time for us to admit that we had run out of time as well — neither of us felt it would be fair for us or the child to have a baby in our 50′s — there was NO ONE to help us through our agony of grief at the realization of a dream permanently broken. We were told it was God’s will; or that we hadn’t tried hard enough. We got very little support until we created a ritual around our sense of loss and shared it with friends from our synagogue. Then, the number of women who approached us with stories of miscarraiges and adoptions that fell through — and the isolation they had experienced — was staggering.
The fact that any of us had to go through this painful journey alone is the real shame, not so much for us as for the Jewish community. People who think that adopted kids can’t be quite as Jewish need to get over themselves.

romneywins2012 says:

The end point rings a little hollow.  Many women or couples looking for an egg donor often choose one that has similar physical characteristics, and if they’re using the sperm of the male in the couple, the child will have his DNA too, so physical similarities will often be present.  It’s nice that you felt a special connection with your blood cousins, but many people develop closer connections to non-blood relatives.  Growing up I felt more at home and spent more time with my best friend’s Filipino family than I did with my own Latino family, and my cousins looked more like their Anglo dad and we had no particular bond.  I’m not trying to talk you into changing your mind, just bringing up a different view.

AAaronF says:

A note on Jewish law here:  the religion assigned to the child at birth is purely a function of the religion of the woman giving birth to the child.  My Rabbi assured me of this when my own child – conceived with the help of both an egg donor and a separate gestational carrier — was set to be born. (We had a rabbinically supervised conversion ceremony when he was a few weeks old and  that technicality was solved.)

As for the conclusion here: my son is an only child, but he feels quite close to his cousins. Understandably he feels a bit closer to the ones who live in the same state as he does, within easy visiting distance. They are also closer to his age. Coincidentally, they look a bit more like him than the other side of the family. They share none of his genes.

Genes are just part of what makes a person. I don’t think anyone would dispute that.

My child loves and is loved by BOTH his parents equally and fiercely and no one in the world would be able to distinguish a difference based on which one of us shares 50% of his genes.

Every night I look in on my sleeping child and I am overcome with the pure force of love, the inexpressible affection for him and the immeasurable gratitude I feel for the miracle of his existence.

How sad…how terribly sad it is for me to think that his whole life could have been erased, if my generous, beautiful, amazing egg donor had been dissuaded from her act of kindness?

A child who is adopted by loving parents grows up “never knowing the feeling of loving someone with the same snub nose it might have.” And there is no evidence whatsoever that an adopted child with loving parents feels any less loved or cared for. What is most important for a child is to feel loved, not to have the same snub nose or sense of sarcasm as his or her siblings or parents. 

As a man, I think it would be presumptuous to question her feelings. Regarding whether a woman should or should not donate, or accept a donated egg is more complex. According to my understanding of Jewish law, Jewishness is passed on by the birth mother. In other words, as another comment noted, inherited Jewishness is not a function of genetics – its a function of birth.

Emily Keeler says:

I have always been intrigued by egg donation but too sketched out to go through with it. This story actually makes me more in favor of the practice, if done with altruism in mind (admittedly, the money would pay off most of my debt, too). The pros and cons here don’t quite resonate.
Beth is right: parenthood is a huge pressure in Jewish communities. Within months of marriage, I caught people glancing at my abdomen for any growth. Both my husband and I have adopted cousins – white and non-white – and from the moment they entered our families’ lives they were nothing other than that: family. (Interestingly, they also started to look like their parents, the way that couples together for a long time start to look alike.) Adoption and donation can bring complications, yes, but so can biological children! It’s a matter of family dynamics, which are impossible to predict. I respect the author’s decision, as I have my own reasons for not donating as well, but if I were personally approached to help someone create a Jewish life with my pretty decent DNA, I’d have some serious rethinking to do.

It is also incorrect to say that “He would never know the bond of a genetic relative.” A child born from a donated egg will very likely have a genetic bond with his or her father. 

wjre says:

I remember these kinds of arguments

GratefulMother says:

My husband and I conceived our son through egg donation from a young Jewish woman. We are eternally grateful for the life she created. Without her willingness to donate, my son would never have existed. Just writing this brings me to tears. While the author certainly has the right to decide against donating her eggs, she misses two points when she writes that the child would grow up never knowing where his snub nose came from. First, because she did not donate, the child doesn’t and never will exist. This seems to me a much greater tragedy than that decsribed by the author of a child growing up in a Jewish home, loved and adored, who may wonder about his or her nose. And secondly, many couples who conceive a child or children through the use of an egg donor are willing and grateful to have a donor who is willing to meet the child when the child matures and has more questions about his or her genetic origin. Egg donation is a mitzvah and teh egg donor who helped make my son is a hero.

wjre says:

I remember these kinds of arguments when in-vitro technology first became available.  How are they going to tell their kids that they came from a test-tube.    Anyone would rather be alive without “blood” relations than never born.  And should infertile couples be denied the chance to have a child so that their child will not have said blood relatives?  If you really were sincerely considering this – this is a very ridiculous reason to not do it.  T

Sorry Tablet.   Every once in a while you publish something really dumb like this piece.

mayacb says:

Yes that child wouldn’t have the connection you have with your biological cousins, but that child would at least exist, and it wouldn’t if every other woman came to the same conclusion you do.  I agree with the comments below.  The Jewish community is behind in how it deals with adoption and converting those adopted children–not Halachically, but in practical fact and day to day behavior.

I’m glad you decided not to go ahead with it.  I just wanted to comment on this part because I know a lot of people subscribe to this mythology.  And you can’t blame them because a lot of what we’ve learned about human reproduction is *recent*.  Anyway–


to which I replied that it’s not half a child, it’s half my DNA, which would hopefully become a full child…”

Incorrect.  Actually, women contribute much more than just half the child’s DNA. We also contribute the child’s *first cell.*  The only difference between an egg and a regular cell is that the egg has half the *nucleic* chromosomes of a regular cell.  But the egg has everything else in place:  cell membrane, cytoplasm, and organelles, including the all-important mitochondria and mitochondrial DNA.
A guy only contributes 1/2 the child’s nucleic DNA.  Everything else about the sperm he adds to the act of reproduction disappears upon fertilization, as far as we know.So yes, people are right when they tell you those are your children.  That’s exactly what they are–needing only 23 chromosomes to start growing.Another way of looking at this is realizing that when it comes to the cloning of multi-cellular organisms, scientists must use the ovum (egg), not the sperm.  A sperm cannot grow into an organism.  It has none of the required structures present.Something for every potential egg donor to think about.  This is just another way for the larger culture to use women as breeding machines.  The insidious part is that it won’t even be reflected on your child’s birth certificate.  Unless you operate through an egg donor agency that is ethical and keeps track of your information in case the child is curious later, that child will never know where they came from or know anything about their maternal family’s health history.  That’s not an ethical thing to do to a child.  It’s commendable that some young women want to help the infertile, but the type of infertile person who would accept this sort of “help” is not fit to be a parent, in my not-so-humble opinion, any more than one is who would buy an infant from an adoption agency.  There are so many children permanently stuck in foster care who need homes that none of this reproductive technology should be necessary.

No woman owes another woman a child.  Period.

This woman is perfectly capable of having her own children, and then there would be more Jewish children.  I can’t fathom a God who would approve of using young women as dumb breeding animals.  It’s not anyone else’s fault that you have trouble having kids.  Is some young woman supposed to give you her leg if one of yours is amputated, too?  What right do you have to demand that?

My parents divorced when I was a baby, my dad got custody of me when I was three and a half, and then both he and my stepmother proceeded to lie to me about who my real mother was until I was seven.  It is not enough to only have connection with one parent.  It isn’t just the parent you are missing, anyway.  I never got to know my extended family because my father was in the Navy and far away from his south Louisiana hometown.  I lost years and years with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that I can never have back.  I can only guess at what I inherited from my mother and my mother’s line;  I only had brief visitation with her as a kid, and was too busy trying to build my own adult life later.  You have no right to take that away from a child.  It’s great that you got what you wanted, but you aren’t the one who will have to face his future.

Yes, that’s kind of what nature does.  Denies infertile couples the chance to have a child.  It’s not buying a dog, you know.  That child must grow up and have a future, and it’s going to be very weird when their origins are nothing like those of anyone around them.  It’s tough enough getting along in the world when you also have to contend with things like not knowing your ancestry or your familial health history, when you have to fear that you might one day commit incest with a total stranger, etc.  But it’s never about the good of the child, is it?

When these laws were laid down, genetics and birth were the same thing.  I think you had best go along with that and assume the fertility technology will not be around forever.  Don’t put children into the position of a dubious religious situation along with everything else they’ll have to contend with.  Think about something besides your position in society.

 No evidence???? Perhaps you may want to read the research and writings of Nancy Verrier or BJ Lifton. I would hazard a guess you may come to the conclusion  that there are a fair number of adoptees who grow up with AMAZING and INCREDIBLE adoptive parents who still long to connect with their natural family, who long to look at another person and see their own genetics reflected back. I actually know quite a few of them myself.

declassifiedadoptee says:

I am a little disturbed at the “become like” language people use when it comes to donor offspring and adopted children. “Become like? as in assimilate? As in they are nothing more than blank slates to be molded into what suits their parents the best? Who is parenting about again…..the parents or the kids?

The fact of the matter is, both donor offspring and adoptees have identities inside of and outside of the families raising them. They are NOT blank slates nor should they be made to deny their own heritages and the skills, characteristics, and talents given to them by DNA to appease someone else. I love my adoptive parents but I did not magically turn into a German-Welsh descendant of a Civil War hero, passive, or terrific at math just because they adopted me lol. I still had a family medical history RIDDLED with cancer that I never knew about. Ignoring reality doesn’t make it go away.

The author of this post uses her experience as an adoptee-lite to identify with the loss of her potential child. It is not her job nor any other woman’s to supply her genetic material. It IS a huge decision and obviously one that does not sit right with her given her experience.

I am adopted and I identify with feelings of loss and difference especially when it came to not being genetically mirrored in my nurturing environment. Let me tell you, if my adoptive parents ever hear someone say to me something along the lines of “oh but your loss and difference are so small compared to the joy you brought your parents in the midst of their 9 year trial for a baby through infertility,” they.would.flip. I am not there to ease their pain or fix their problems. My loss my thoughts and experiences matter to them. Others may view me as some commodity they deserved. They view me as their daughter–and that’s the way it should be.

Thank you for writing this. Good for you for making the best decision for yourself and being brave enough to share it.

declassifiedadoptee says:

(Regarding the comments) I am a little disturbed at the “become like” language people use when it comes to donor offspring and adopted children. “Become like? as in assimilate? As in they are nothing more than blank slates to be molded into what suits their parents the best? Who is parenting about again…..the parents or the kids?

The fact of the matter is, both donor offspring and adoptees have identities inside of and outside of the families raising them. They are NOT blank slates nor should they be made to deny their own heritages and the skills, characteristics, and talents given to them by DNA to appease someone else. I love my adoptive parents but I did not magically turn into a German-Welsh descendant of a Civil War hero, passive, or terrific at math just because they adopted me lol. I still had a family medical history RIDDLED with cancer that I never knew about. Ignoring reality doesn’t make it go away.

The author of this post uses her experience as an adoptee-lite to identify with the loss of her potential child. It is not her job nor any other woman’s to supply her genetic material. It IS a huge decision and obviously one that does not sit right with her given her experience.

I am adopted and I identify with feelings of loss and difference especially when it came to not being genetically mirrored in my nurturing environment. Let me tell you, if my adoptive parents ever hear someone say to me something along the lines of “oh but your loss and difference are so small compared to the joy you brought your parents in the midst of their 9 year trial for a baby through infertility,” they.would.flip. I am not there to ease their pain or fix their problems. My loss my thoughts and experiences matter to them. Others may view me as some commodity they deserved. They view me as their daughter–and that’s the way it should be.

Thank you for writing this. Good for you for making the best decision for yourself and being brave enough to share it. So sorry to hear of you loss of your first father.

Leslie78 says:

Nothing in my comment suggests otherwise.  I disagree with the reasons cited in the article for not proceeding with the donation, given that the author previously was in favor.  Obviously, it’s her choice, always.  But by writing an article, she is suggesting that the reason provided is one that matters, namely thinking about this future child in terms of its appearance and affiliation with cousins (who might not exist).  I disagree with that point.

LorraineDusky says:

 Have you read anything about what adoptees feel growing up with genetic strangers? see the post at firstmotherforum:

a href =”http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2012/04/would-be-egg-donor-imagines-child.html?showComment=1334687600944″>Would-be Egg ‘Donor’ imagines a child growing up with genetic strangers

Amanda W says:

Josie, that is inaccurate.  There is plenty of evidence across many populations of adoptees citing much ambivalence when it comes to this area of adoption–especially in transracial adoption.  This has been an acknowledged and accepted part of adoption literature for decades.

Leslie78 says:

Children who are adopted outright also grow up with “genetic strangers.”  Here, it sounds like the sperm would come from the father.  Are you saying that this couple simple should never be parents?  That’s an interesting perspective, but not what the author is suggesting, I think.

LorraineDusky says:

 Yes.
If there only choice to become parents is with an egg they must buy.

jasone23 says:

Being the author’s first cousin (the one’s in the states) I can relate strongly to what she is talking about. As much as we love her and her 2 sisters, she is right about them not fitting in. My father has 3 brothers. 1 of them lives in Israel, so we are not close with their kids (although we love them very much). The other brother has 4 kids. They are the one’s we are extremely close with. The author’s family never was able to come in between the close cousins, although we love spending time with them and sharing in smachot together. 

I can understand how she feels this way about donating her eggs, but I also have to agree with a lot of the below comments. Looking different should not be the reason you don’t fit in with family. The points about a child being 1/2 from the woman and 1/2 from the  man is off target. I think the author was saying “half” with some tongue and cheek. 

In either case, we always love you Simi and I’m happy you made the choice that makes you happiest.

jasone23 says:

I meant siblings not sisters, she has 1 sister

ladycygnus says:

Here is another take at IVF and the potential problems with it from the doctors point of view: http://www.mercatornet.com/articles/view/charge_of_heart

tiferet2491 says:

i wasnt going to say anything….  :)

tiferet2491 says:

I just need to point out to people, that what she says in the article comes nowhere CLOSE to “come on people stop with all of this petty egg donating” she just explains in a very real and honest way, how she came to the conclusion not to donate her eggs. I wish everybody only health and the ability to have children, but go donate your own eggs and stop condemning her for not donating hers. 

I would say that the Catholic community is right up there with the Jewish community, since they understand the proper response to infertility is not to buy eggs or to surrogate children and dread the mother’s change of mind, or go through IVF and then kill the “extra” fetuses and hope you don’t end up with birth defects, which are measurable in that method.

Instead, if adoption is not an option, or fostering, then it’s what you say in your sad comment – that you had to go through the pain of the loss. And then you become the spiritual “mother” and “aunt” to the rest of the world. I’m doing that, because my fertility ran out earlier than I ever planned it to happen.

wjre says:

Nature used to do a lot of things that it no longer does.  I have never heard of an adopted person who wishes they had never been born because they are different than their “relatives”.  Almost all of them are also very happy and grateful to have been adopted.   I am very different than my family of origin even though I am their biological child.  I don’t wish I had never been born!

Wow, rude woman. No one is saying that at all. This is the second comment you have made implying this. Reread and actually understand the posts you’re commenting on or don’t comment at all.

Goodness woman. You got emotional for no reason at the end. The child would have been just fine with her/his parents. A biological link to family is not necessary for happiness. The only objections I have when thinking about donating my own eggs is that I do not want to be contacted by some kid in 20 years or so, wanting to meet their “real mother”. I´ve heard of stories of people specifically requesting not to be contacted ever, but have been contacted anyway. And the health risks, especially when I have no insurance. But man, being broke and in debt (college loans) sure makes it tempting.

Brittney says:

Infertile couples aside, you’re the one whom shouldn’t be procreating. You’re psycho and highly judgmental; God help your offspring.

Cards_Fanboy says:

Is it better to have a potentially partially damaged future than none at all?

ur mom says:

u a stupeh hoe. donate bich

ur mom says:

fo serious. emotional bich, u got 400,000 eggs in yow va-jj.. honestly, who gives a dam. DONATE THOSE SUCKERS yay

ur mom says:

i know best

ur mom says:

yes

ur mom says:

im priiti

ur mom says:

but illiterate im sure u noticd
yeessssss

ur mom says:

no

ur mom says:

nigga yow son aint yow son

ur mom says:

dos da bich kno he aint yow son?

ur mom says:

damn jews

ur mom says:

you a tupe hoe u a u a tupe hoeeeeee ok hoe?

I would like to donate sperms to couples that can’t have ba
bies not for the money but for the joy that that child can bring. I know a few couples that wants children but can’t have any. I see the loging in they’re eyes and it breaks my heart

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Wow… you can really ramble on cant you? I had to skip through most of the article to actually get to the point. Good thing you realized egg donation is not for you… well guess what…. neither is writing!:)

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Karimoon says:

How is it shameful to need money? That is the dumbest reason I have ever heard to not donate an egg. Biologically being related to someone doesn’t give some type of ultimate guarantee you’ll feel connected or belonging to that group. Hence why people hate their siblings, parents or families and don’t go around them often or communicate with them 20 times a day.

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adelaide says:

and yet another disservice to women everywhere. you don’t want to donate your eggs? Fine, great. but such navel-gazing, which ultimately hurts everyone who needs or wants Jewish eggs.
It’s such a mitzvah to donate eggs. to be a surrogate.. to help other women out.
Let’s hear from someone who did donate eggs or was a surrogate.
I’m so tired of these fear-mongering articles.

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