Ruth- (Not necessarily referring to your specific case of how you dress)- You say that “G-d gave us the the ability to make our own decisions from among a variety of diverse choices because we are supposed to do so as long as we treat others with respect and kindness, and because G-d meant for this world to be enriched by the different choices of different individuals.” Yes, God gave us free will, but that definitely does not mean that every choice we make is therefore the right one. We are free to ignore the very clear guidelines and expectations laid out for us. The Torah does not say “Keep my Shabbat, or don’t if that is your choice, as long you treat people with respect.” It unequivocally instructs us to keep it (and a host of other commandments). We are physically free to choose to keep them or not, but that does not mean that any choice we make is therefore what God wanted. Yes, that stands in opposition to contemporary values in which everyone is right and every opinion must be treated as legitimate- in short, moral equivalency- but Jewish values were around long before and will be around long after the fashionable values of the day.

Using this at shul for sure!!!

I’m typing this comment while wearing a pair of well-fitting (not at all low-rise or snug) dark-wash jeans and a ribbed mid-weight turtleneck sweater. My hair is clean and recently-trimmed, and is pulled back in a ponytail, with loose, whispy bangs. To me, it’s all fairly unremarkable wear for a winter weekend. I’m covered from just below my chin to my ankles and wrists.

Yet, to many of those who posted to this article, because I’m not covering my hair and because I’m wearing pants and a sweater that – while not at all tight – does skim my “curves, I’m considered to be inappropriately dressed as a “good” Jewish woman and, further, indecently provocative to men. Even though I am a faithful wife, loving mom, well-educated, funny and kind and empathetic and generous, active in my synagogue, well-regarded in my career field, et al … according to many of you, I’m somehow “less-than” a good Jewish woman, and would be a poor example to your wives and daughters, because of my (not remotely extreme or revealing) sartorial choices. Some might even say that my clothing choices would justify any sexual harrassment or even assault that could (G-d forbid) be directed at me. And yes – I do take exception to all of those conclusions that might be based on my mode of dress, and find them terribly judgemental and closed-minded and – in their most extreme permutations – horrific and alarming.

Please note: I don’t condone young girls wearing skintight, flesh-revealing clothes, either. But there are so, so many incremental points on the contiuuum between “modestly covering legs, collarbones, and elbows” and “skin-tight and flesh-revealing”. Again, because it bears repeating: CONTINUUM … As with many other topics that are discussed on Tablet, I’m having very difficult time with the superficial, binary mindset of many readers. Life is seldom that simple or black-and-white – even if some would like us to believe it is.

I strongly believe that G-d gave us the the ability to make our own decisions from among a variety of diverse choices because we are supposed to do so as long as we treat others with respect and kindness, and because G-d meant for this world to be enriched by the different choices of different individuals – how boring it would be if we all looked, believed, and behaved in exactly the same way! Dictating that a woman dress within a very narrowly-defined set of parameters because she otherwise might make clothing choices of which some people do not approve, and because her choices might attract attention from men – well, that doesn’t give much credit to the woman for being able to use our abilities that G-d gave us to make good choices, OR to men for being able to resist being “tempted to stray” by the women with whom they come into contact.

Further, my understanding of “tznius ” is that a woman’s hair must be covered, and that women are not allowed to wear “men’s” clothes, such as pants. I have to confess: These prohibitions, to me, are incredibly demeaning to both women and men. Just as a skirt can be loose or clingy, tasteful or slutty … so, too, can pants. So are men honestly tempted with a “reminder” that a woman in a well-fitting pair of pants has legs??? Are men honestly tempted by a woman’s hair if it’s her own, but NOT if it’s a wig???

@Annie posted at 5:08 AM on 2/17: “I also am happy that my husband isn’t constantly tempted by seeing other women dressed that way.” Really? All husbands are “tempted” when they see an attractively-dressed woman, if the woman is dressed tastefully and shows even a minimal amount of skin? I honestly don’t think that the men I know are that shallow and – yes – weak, because I don’t equate finding someone to be attractive as being “tempted”. Geesh, if you see a beautiful picture that really appeals to you, do you ignore it because there is too much of a risk that, if you admire it, you’ll try to take it home with you? Or do you look at it, and admire it, but then go about your life? (And, from a practical standpoint, I can tell you that I would not have to have had to weather (no pun intended!) the recent frigid, snowy weather in my region without being able to wear pants!)

If a woman is adhering to the parameters of tznius because she, herself, wishes to do so … then no harm, no foul. It’s her choice and it’s all good. But if a woman is dressing in this manner because she is being pressured to do so by a man, or because it is being implied that otherwise she is less of a “good Jewish woman”, or that she won’t be taken seriously, or that she is a “temptress” or somehow deserving of being sexually-harrassed or even assaulted, then in my opinion the rules are being applied inappropriately and are an affront to the women who are being compelled (tacitly or expressly) to follow them.

As a man raised in a VERY-sexually charged secular atmosphere, and the older brother of two sisters and numerous female cousins, I can tell you that the gross sexualization of America is one of the defining characteristics of its slow and steady yet obvious decline. Consider:

-Shortly after receiving television, island nations like Guam quickly saw increases in anorexia and bulemia due to the popular media images of attraction.

-Numerous studies have shown the benefits of all-female education for girls, due to the lack of sexualization, teasing from boys, and the fact that girls do not feel as self-conscious in single-sex environments. It’s better for the boys too!

When is our society going to wake up and recognize that when a girl talks about “celebrating her body and her sexuality,” what she means is that she enjoys developing attachment, body image, and self-esteem disorders later in life. She is specifically defining to herself and to men that she is body, not a person. And for all the women here, stop deluding yourselves, that is how men see you all when you dress like that. Just watch men watch women; there is not much eye-contact going on.

I married a smart, confident, and attractive woman. And I was able to take her seriously from the beginning not because she presented herself as a floozy, and not because she tried to look “smart but sexy.” Instead, everything about her, from how she dressed, to how she acted, to how she spoke, to how she regarded others conveyed her poise, confidence, and dignity.

In a word: respecting others starts with respecting yourself.

There will always be stupid parents who can’t say “no” nor set reasonable limits. It just makes parenting more difficult for my husband and me, but not impossible.

Unfortunately our lives – sexual desire, patriarchal culture, corporate media, and gender-based oppression are more complicated than pat answers. The problem with all of the rules that confine women’s body’s to regulate men’s behavior, is that it so quickly leads to victim-blaming in cases of sexual assault or harassment. We lose sight of our shared responsibility to love and respect ourselves, and to love and respect each other.

My work explores these themes in my documentary film “The Line” (a Media Education Foundation release) and my group blog: whereisyourline.org.

Would love to discuss with you sometime ways to incorporate the Jewish piece.

this is a nuanced and troubling topic for me.

thanks for reading, in any case.

While I’m not advocating or inclined to even dream of frum wear winning the day, don’t you think,Marjorie, that most young women who go in for ultra-sexy looks(and I am referring to their regular day wear) are by definition putting their bodies above their minds. Isn’t it clear that for most young women wearing modest clothing- modest in the 21st. century American sense- is the only reliable way to avoid seeing themselves as sexual objects.