Never Never Land
I can’t talk to my kids about Israel
Tourist Development Association of Palestine poster, circa 1935.
CREDIT: Boston Public Library
I’ve written a column about Jewish parenting for eight years, first at the Forward and for the last year at Tablet Magazine. In that time, I’ve written 11 pieces about Jewish children’s books, nine about the High Holidays, seven about Passover, six about the Jewish female body, four about summer camp, three about Sukkot, and two each about vaccines, organ donation, and Tu B’Shevat. I am painfully aware that I have never, not once, written about Israel.
That’s because I am deeply ambivalent about Israel. Modern-day Israel, as opposed to historical Israel, is a subject I avoid with my children. Yes, of course I believe the state should exist, but the word “Zionist” makes me skittish. (I understand that I may be the Jewish equivalent of all the twentysomething women I want to smack for saying, “I’m not a feminist, but I believe in equal rights.”) I shy away from conversations about Israeli politics. I feel no stirring in my heart when I see the Israeli flag. I would no sooner attend an Israel Day parade than a Justin Bieber concert. Neither Abe Foxman nor AIPAC speaks for me. I am a liberal, and I am deeply troubled by the Matzav, Israeli shorthand for tension with the Palestinians, and I do not have answers, and I do not know what to do about it, and I do not know what to tell my children.
So, it was with a huge sense of identification and relief that I read Peter Beinart’s controversial essay in the New York Review of Books last week. As you no doubt know, Beinart, an associate professor of journalism and political science at CUNY and a senior fellow at the New America Foundation, wrote that leading Jewish institutions viscerally reject opposition to Israel’s treatment of Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza and of the country’s Arab citizens, and this has made younger non-Orthodox Jews like me—who are deeply committed to human rights around the world, who reject being told what to think and do without the airing of all points of view, who have issues with military force—turn away from Jewish communal organizations and refrain from even thinking about, let alone identifying with, the state of Israel.
“Having kids definitely played a role” in his writing of this essay, Beinart told Tablet’s Marc Tracy. “I think it made me think about not just my Zionist identity, but what kind of Zionism was available to them. And the more I thought about that, the more I began to worry.” In the piece, he mentioned that he could imagine his children, who attend an Orthodox shul, winding up either among the apathetic college students identified in a recent survey who don’t identify at all with Zionism, or among the right-wingers who boo when the notion of Palestinian suffering is even mentioned at an Israel solidarity rally. “Either prospect fills me with dread,” he writes.
Oh, dude. I can relate.
When I wrote recently about the attempt in Canada to censor a children’s book depicting a Palestinian perspective on the Matzav, I had a teetering stack of middle-grade and young adult novels and non-fiction about the conflict on my desk. Josie, my 8 year old, wandered into my office and asked if she could read one. “Sure,” I gulped. She wound up choosing Samir and Yonatan, a poetic, elliptical novel about a Palestinian boy and a Jewish boy in an Israeli hospital. When she returned the book to me, I asked, “What did you think?”
“I’m not sure I understood it,” she said. “Can you explain it a little bit?”
I stumbled desperately through an explanation of why two peoples feel they have a legitimate claim to the same land.
“But having land is like having a seat on a bus,” Josie replied. “You can’t just push someone out of their seat, and you can’t just leave your seat and then come back to it after a long time and just expect the person who is sitting there now to give it to you.”
My panicked reaction to her words surprised me. I found myself trying to convince her that Israel did have that right. But that’s not what I believe. But I’m not sure what I believe. I want my children to love Israel, but I don’t want them to identify with bullies. I was spinning in my own head like the desperate, overwhelmed woman in the Calgon commercial: J Street, take me away!
But Josie’s bus-bully analogy resonated. Baby-boomer Jews seem wedded to a sepia-toned image of Jews as victims—in the shtetl, in the Holocaust, in Israel’s early wars. But in real life, victims can turn into bullies. Perhaps being the parent to girls, rather than boys, helps me see this—in Mean Girl dynamics, the power shifts back and forth almost every day. We want a bright clear line, but heroes and villains in the real world are much fuzzier.
Until now, I’ve taught my children about Jewish identity through ancient history, through food, through songs and prayers, through the story of American immigration. I’ve left any Israel talk to their teachers. When someone said of the camp Josie will attend this summer, “Oh, that’s a very Zionist camp!” I felt a stab of unexamined, visceral panic. I’ve always known I’d take my kids to visit Israel one day, and I figure they’ll go on a teen tour or do a study program there just as I did. But putting it off till tomorrow, like a Jewish Scarlett O’Hara, isn’t a good long-term strategy.
So, exactly how should liberal parents who want to foster Jewish identity, but who see Zionism as the conversational equivalent of an Alar-coated apple, teach their children about Israel? “You have to expose children to a multiplicity of authors and positions, then they can synthesize their own ideas,” says Alex Sinclair, lead researcher at Makom, the Israel Engagement Network of the Jewish Agency. “When we tell kids what to think, we forbid those kinds of critical, evaluative moves.”
In a 2007 piece in the Jerusalem Report, Sinclair wrote, “Educational thinkers since Socrates have known that one of the soundest ways in which to get people to feel committed to and invested in a given issue is to ask them to take a stand on it: to debate. In good schools, from the earliest grades, children are asked to collate evidence, analyze data and evaluate positions. Indeed, ‘evaluation’ is the highest order of thinking, according to Bloom’s now classic taxonomy of the cognitive domain. Yet, in Israel education, we seem to want to prevent Jewish children (to say nothing of adults) from aspiring to that level.”
Furthermore, Sinclair tells me, teaching American kids about Israel should be a lesson in teaching pluralism. “It’s about seeing Israel as non-monolithic, containing a variety of voices, without saying ‘you have to follow a particular party line,’ ” he says. “There are other debates beside the Israeli-Palestinian ones. There are discussions to be had about living in a diverse culture, about religion’s role in the state. I’d love for American kids to be exposed to young Russian and Ethiopian Jews as well as to Palestinians.”
He makes a funny analogy: “You have little girls, right?” he asks me. “And they love horses, right? There are American organizations that let you sponsor a horse, give money to the horse, you get pictures of the horse, and maybe one day you meet the horse. We need something similar to foster one-on-one connections between American and Israeli kids. And what they should wind up with is ‘If what I think is different from what some political parties think, that’s great.’ You have to allow kids to have that space.”
And all this means we can’t expect blind fealty. Right now, the big American Jewish communal organizations measure the success of their youth outreach initiatives in “Do the kids wind up supporting the Israeli government?” Maybe instead we should encourage kids to be able to engage in informed debate and be able to appreciate Israel’s history while also feeling empowered to urge its government—and ours—to take positions we think are right.
When you’re an American Jewish parent, ambivalence and sorrow about the state of Israel aren’t necessarily bad. Disengagement is. What I need to fight in myself is the tendency to tune out when I’m confused and upset. When I tune out, I can’t learn, and I can’t teach my own kids. Disagreement with Israel doesn’t mean not loving Israel, just as being upset with your own children doesn’t mean you don’t love them. But I need to engage with what frightens me, and my failure to do so is why it’s taken eight years to write this column.
I didn’t want to comment on this article. Frankly, I was afraid — chicken — to acknowledge how much it reflected views similar to my own though my children are full-grown.
I watched from the sidelines. I read the comments. Then kept choosing not to make my own. I didn’t want to get the flack that Marjorie was getting. I had made my own waves — on a much smaller scale — in the midst of Jewish controversy, among Jews and non-Jews.
I had seen — and — experienced, personally, how challenging and painfully Jews can so disrespectfully treat one another for simply giving voice to views with which they disagree.
I have contributed a great deal (on a local level) to Jewish dialogue within the “tribe” as well as with non-Jews. It didn’t succeed. And I got judged and ostracized for the effort.
Though that’s not the only way that Jews treat one another. It is, unfortunately, very much a part of generic traditional Jewish culture to have rational debate that ignores the heart in the service of righeousness.
I applaud Marjorie’s ability to articulate her heartfelt views and perspectives. And, her courage in being able to put herself so much on the front line and take the heat from it. I thank her for it.
Today I can no longer be silent. Israel’s attack on the boat delivering aid to Palestinians is just too much! In my worldview there is no excuse for taking the first steps toward another round of violence.
I have never posted a comment to an article on the internet as the comments section almost always seems to be full of ad hominem attacks or ridiculous screeds. I felt compelled to respond to this article, however, as I feel the ideas the author espouses are absolutely deplorable. The writer displays how the philosophy of liberalism has been so twisted that it has infiltrated public discourse to this ridiculous degree. The writer seems to agree with much of the Euro/Arab/liberal American Jewish consensus that Israel has no right to defend itself or to respond when it is attacked. Despite the fact that Israel is surrounded by powers that wish for nothing more than its destruction and constantly attack it, whenever Israel responds, the world’s heart (and seemingly this writer’s) bleeds over the destruction caused. Articles like this that emerge from the American Jewish community only increase the likelihood that Israel will pay the consequences with more civilian deaths and a relinquishing of its homeland. The writer needs to understand that she has no understanding of recent history. She seems to forget that Israel has constantly offered independence to the Arabs, has pulled out of Gaza asking for nothing, etc. etc. and has received only missile attacks in return. Shame on your for writing this!
OK…let’s parse this out a little, as Socrates would have recommended…
First, Ms. Ingall, your bus analogy is inappropriate – at least you used it. We did not get up from our seat on the bus and expect to have that same seat back. A more apt analogy would be getting kicked off the bus entirely, walking to the next city, then the next, then the next, and then finally catching up with the bus and demanding simply a seat. As we know, with the destruction of the Hurva, and even the fact that a mosque sits atop our holiest site [at which we were forbidden to even pray!, *long* before Zionism even was a word in Herzl's mouth], we are not demanding the same seat. If we were truly demanding the “same seat on the bus”, we’d be demanding territories from the Euphrates to the Med, from mid-Lebanon through all of Sinai, and would have exiled people from Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, and Egypt. I am not defending Israel here. But if you’re using a bus analogy, at least let us ride.
Second, let’s deal with the fact that we are not actually “engag[ing] in an informed debate”. Such a debate would, as a precedent, deal with the fact (as you described it) that there are two “peoples [who] feel they have a legitimate claim to the same land.” In Arab media, Jews have no claim to the land whatsoever. None of it. Not even a claim to being able to pray at the base of the Wall — pursuant to decree, long before such “modern” decree was made official in 1929 [let alone that we'd have a right to live *near* such wall!]. Debating the merits of “Palestinian rights” is SURELY a just cause, (even if you ignore the idea that “Palestinian” is what many of us used to call ourselves until 1948 and which moniker the local Arabs did not formally adopt until 1967…). After all, “If I am for myself alone, what am I?” But while we debate such merits, Arab states and all of Israel’s neighbors and almost all of the United Nations do not even recognize the viability of a debate ab initio. To them there is no debate. We are trespassers. And Israel is a trespassing entity, ever since the “Nakhba” — the “Catastrophe” — as the whole of the Arab world defines Israel’s establishment in 1948. We Jews argue and debate. To most of the rest of the world, there is no debate; nay, we are not even afforded the opportunity to present evidence in a debate. If we cannot reach the Arab citizen (in any of these countries) to show that we would prefer to coexist with them, how can *any* debate be considered “informed”?
I have not defended nor deplored Israel here. I have, frankly, done both, at times, when each was appropriate. I, too, am liberal. But if you are going to hide behind the idea that the State itself is deplorable to “Palestinians” in the “territories”, as justification for failing to discuss the merits of the State of Israel itself, you, yourself, Ms. Ingall, are preventing the debate from even being “informed” — from a Jewish perspective or otherwise. And Socrates would be ashamed. That you are willing to finally discuss it now (“If not now, when…?”) — this is at least a step in the right direction! But we should at least inform ourselves of our own position, and our own reasons for being in the Land. After all, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” If you look at the world’s media, the answer is clear.
Dear Marjorie — The reason you have ambivalence about Israel is because Israel was formed on an exclusionary, racist basis, values that you clearly don’t subscribe to personally. I believe the only moral thing for you to do is to actually disengage from Israel until it becomes a democratic land for all its people or agrees to a peace accord on mutually respectful terms. Otherwise you are complicit/participating in oppression. I see good, moral people tie themselves into knots trying to justify the things Israel does and what it stands for. It’s pathetic. When you actually take a clear stand for justice, Marjorie, your kids, like thousands of Jewish American kids, will respect you and respond. Till then you are in murky ground.
Here’s what you can tell your children. First, it’s good to share. Both Jews and Arabs have lived in the land that we call Israel, the West Bank, and Jordan for a long time. The land was split into separate countries for both the Jews and for the Arabs a long time ago.
The Arabs got Jordan, or 77% of Palestine, and the Jews got the rest. That sounds fair, doesn’t it? In other words, if you and your friend both think that something is yours, you keep 1/4 for yourself and give your friend the rest. Oh, and there’s one more thing. Your friends, the Arabs, get to live in your land, but you don’t get to live in theirs. How can things be any more fair than that?
Next, you can tell your children about the Altalena Affair. It is often forgotten today, but be sure to tell your children about it. You can explain that a country can only have one army. A second or third army is nothing but trouble. You might want to tell them a little about our own Civil War. Also be sure to mention the Fatah-Hamas clashes of 2006 and 2007 that killed over 600 Palestinians. If you’d like, you can add some of the details of the Black September (September 1970) clash between the PLO and Jordan in which thousands died. Oh, yes, I’m sorry, perhaps we shouldn’t mention all of the Arabs who have been killed by fellow Arabs. You can tell them that the Hezbollah forces act as a second army in Lebanon, and that’s very bad.
Next, tell your children the story of President Carter agreeing to
return the Panama Canal to Panama back in the late 70s.
Then, tell them that presidential candidate Ronald Reagan didn’t like it one bit. Reagan, though, was a loyal American. He spoke out against the deal, but he didn’t urge any violence. The canal was returned to Panama peacefully. You can contrast this with potential peace agreements that have been proposed. The Israelis might not be happy about all of them, but they go along. Many of the Arabs want to make peace, but the bullies in their midst (much like the playground bullies your kids know) just want to make trouble. They loudly threaten violence any time a peace deal is proposed. Those Arabs who want to make peace–there are a lot of them–are scared of the bullies!
Please don’t forget to mention Hezbollah, Hamas, and
and Iran! If you want to tell your kids that Hezbollah, Hamas,
and Iran are peaceful at heart that’s up to you, but deep down we all know that this isn’t true. You can mention that every time a peace plan is discussed, all three do everything they can to mess things up. It’s like the mean bullies that try to get between you and kids you want to be friendly with. If you and your kids have strong stomachs, you can tell them what Hamas says about Jews–even Jews who don’t live in Israel.
Finally, please mention that a lot of peace plans have been proposed. The Israelis and Arabs can be very creative, and come up with a plan that is fair to everyone. Please mention, though, that some of the loud and mean bullies (with their “second” armies) don’t want Israel and the Palestinians to have peace with each other.
Yes, Marjorie, this is how I’d explain it to my kids!
I’m not a mother yet, Marjorie, but never have I found a piece that so accurately reflects my own feelings about Israel. Thank you for putting them to paper.
I love how when people who don’t fall in line with the “right” view of Israel while showing support for the idea of the state and its right to live and let live, the flag waving nuts come out to tell us that we aren’t worthy of the protection afforded to us by the mere existence of a State half-way around the world.
This thoughtfully articulated article about the issues of teaching kids about a situation that is polarizing, politicized and so unbelievably complex to even the most educated international scholars, should be welcomed. Not everyone is going to agree with you and when you come in to say these thoughts are unwelcome in the community, you only will open the door, push out those who support a Judaism that welcomes the stranger, supports the widow and the orphan, pursues justice and walks humbly with our God.
I have wanted to comment many times on articles about Israel, but haven’t because I just can’t get the words in my head and heart to come out right. Then comes along TSVI and does it all for me. Thank you!!!
Let’s just take this last incident and look at it in it’s simpliest form.
A boat (6 in fact) with aid wants to come to Gaza but a blockade is in effect. They can stop at port and be checked for contraband and if clear have their aid delivered. Simple huh? NO they reject this and try to run the blockade and violence ensues! IF aid was the reason for the trip they would of came into port. The fact that they rejected all chances to be checked for contraband and that people on board were from terroist organizations make this an open and shut case!
I don’t see where debate is of any use. Israel is a Nation. They can protect themselves.
If people would learn the history of the land and the people this would not be an issue.
Think of it like this, If everyone around the state you lived in wanted to annihlate you how would you react?
I love Israel and stand proud with her!
Here’s an interesting thought for you, Marjorie. I’ll bet you would feel better about teaching your kids if you read your history!! If you did, you would know that Jews tried to reach peaceful accommodation with Arabs since Chaim Weizmann exchanged promises with the King of Saudi Arabia in 1919; since the same man suggested to the British in 1936 that Arabs and Jews share Palestine 50-50; since the Jews accepted the 1947 partition compromise; since the Camp David accords; since Oslo; since they pulled out of Gaza.
I am a conservative Jew, but I love my liberal brothers and sisters. Together we form the wonderful tapestry that makes us all strong. But there is also something I hate on both sides. What I hate is intellectual laziness and intellectual cowardice. Both sides tend to get passionate over sound bites, and never take the time to read their history. They are lazy. And many feel awkward about learning the other’s side – it’s outside the comfort zone. That really bothers me.
Sadly Marjorie, you are not debating your ideas with people like me. If you were to start, you would find a wealth of pride in learning that the history of Zionism is rich with the same exact values that you live by. Values that led to the doubling of the Palestinian Arab population from 1922 to 1936 through dramatic improvements in ARAB health at the hands of Jewish doctors. Values that led to Arab universities and intellectual development. You would learn that the only massacres and almost all the murders in early Palestine were of Jews, not Arabs. You would learn that Jews bought land legally, and only with war did the refugees run. I would paint context for you, and compare that tragedy to the recent 4 million Iraqi refugees who also fled because of war, not ethnic cleansing. I would challenge you to challenge the stories you are being fed.
You owe me nothing, but you owe your children and their grandparents something. That something is truth. Marjorie, what if I’m right? Peace.
Marjorie,
Just interview a few people what the world was like before there was a state of Israel. Ask them how Jews lived and which nation opened the doors for Jewish refugees.
Then google to find out and post on a map Jewish refugees today, please add numbers to each location.
Next, ask yourself to examine the results.
Post them on your next blog as the – definition of Zionism.
The best results for the advancement of Judaism, growth potential,
pride,transparency,pluralism,democracy,critical,driven.
In a family not everyone is in agreement, but the family remains united, and we are one people.
That’s what you should teach your children, and if you are not, you have robbed them of their roots, and unique origin.
Marjorie,
I very much appreciate your sharing your thoughts and feelings with us! I know these feelings are shared by many Jewish parents.
The “matzav” is so complex, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is difficult for anyone to evaluate what is fair, what is true.
However, how you end your essay is the very one thing that is true: “Disagreement with Israel doesn’t mean not loving Israel, just as being upset with your own children doesn’t mean you don’t love them.”
So — what is it that you _do_ know? “Israel is mine” — Israel is yours, and mine, and all Jews. (And I’m not making any specific claim to land here.) I’m just saying Israel and the Jewish people are _ours_ because Israel is threaded into our Torah, our history, our collective consciousness. Israel is part of us.
So– all you have to do is teach your kids to love Israel and the Jewish people. That doesn’t mean being blind to facts or debate. But it does mean fostering an emotional connection.
So how do you do that? As Steve T. writes, there is so much to be proud of and celebrate about Israel, not only historically but in modern Israel. Learn and share.
Of course, there are many things to be ashamed of too –just like any people and every country — because Israel is made up of human beings, who makes mistakes, don’t always to the right things. But, nu?, who doesn’t? So talk about these things too, and America, and Palestine, and all peoples everywhere who have conflict. It’s life.
You know what to do: engage. Have faith that even with all the yuck of matzav, there is plenty to love about Israel.
xoxo I completely adore Justin Bieber!
Parents of all religions can use Israel as an example of how religious fanaticism can turn into political movements that aren’t what one would think of religion at all.
One wonders if the fanatics that want to steal Palestinian land in the West Bank
or drive Israel into the Sea even bother reading the Bible or the Koran.
Even worse when right wing Christians misread Revelation and think once Israel grabs the West Bank that Jesus will return for the Second Coming and the world will end. Of course those believers will then go to heaven.
Once you cross the rubicon and tell youngsters that its ok to displace people from homes you create a moral gray area.