Bully.com
A debate: Is cyberbullying inevitable, or can parents stop the tide?
Photoillustration: Len Small/Tablet Magazine; photos: iStockphoto
I’m a parent. My editor, Liel, isn’t. But he is an expert in new media. And we were recently chatting about online bullying, a phenomenon that interests us both, but found ourselves completely at odds.
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Hi, Liel, a person whose views are diametrically opposed to mine on everything and who has no child and therefore no moral authority but is an authority on new media so I bow to that (hereinafter, PVDOMENCNMAANMBT). How are you?
I got a little obsessed about cyberbullying this week, thanks to that recent New York Times story on how schools are dealing with the problem. I was struck by the parent who sued his daughter’s Beverly Hills school district for punishing her after she cyberbullied another kid. Her crime: She videotaped her friends, egging them on as they trash talked another girl, then threw the video up on YouTube. In the video, her friends mock the other girl’s looks (“she’s the ugliest piece of shit I’ve seen in my whole life”), her mother’s boobs, the fact that she’s a “slut,” the fact that she’s “a spoiled brat who isn’t worth a shit.” Charming. The school gave the girl who made and posted the video a 2-day suspension, and her father took the school district to court on behalf of his daughter, known as J.C. in court documents. A judge ruled that because the video didn’t cause “substantial” disruption in school, the girl shouldn’t have been punished. And the school district had to pay J.C.’s legal costs: $107,150.80.
The law on cyberbullying isn’t always clear. The Anti-Defamation League says that many states have anti-bullying statutes, but very few states specify whether schools can intervene in electronic bullying.
Regardless, I read the New York Times story as a parent, and as a parent, I wanted to beat J.C.’s dad, a recording-industry lawyer named Evan S. Cohen, with my laptop, then put the video on YouTube. After Cohen won the case, he insisted that his daughter keep the YouTube video online, even though she offered to take it down. He said he wanted to perform a “public service” and show people “what kids get suspended for in Beverly Hills.”
Um, dude. There’s legal culpability, and there’s moral culpability. What ethical lessons are you teaching your kid? That if she acts like a cretin and gets in trouble, daddy will bail her out? That it’s OK to humiliate another kid? (The victim’s name is repeated many times in the video, which I’m not linking to, because I’m not going to do Evan S. Cohen any favors.) Look, I’m a First Amendment absolutist; I agree that the girl has the right to free speech. Just as her father has the right to be a schmuck and a crappy parent. But I don’t have to celebrate that.
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Dear Righteous Mama,
While I shall never defend the predilections of the litigious class, I’m afraid that the crux of our problem lies elsewhere. What we have here pertains neither to legal nor to moral culpability; what we have here is a question of platform.
You began your elegantly argued dispatch by stating that the conversation shall focus on cyberbullying, that is to say, bullying by means of Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and the other blunt instruments of the World Wide Web. Unlike more traditional forms of bullying, the cyberbully is enabled not by virtue of his or her strength or size but by his or her access to widely available objects like a computer, a video camera, or a cellular phone.
Herein, I believe, lies not only the problem but also the solution. Mr. Cohen’s daughter, let’s call her Kid A, posted disparaging remarks about Kid B on YouTube. Kid B, arguably, could have easily logged on to her computer, fired up her webcam, and produced a video twice as scathing, twice as funny, and twice as popular. This, no doubt, would have taught Kid A a fierce lesson and would have saved the school district a pretty penny in legal costs.
The cognitive dissonance in all this is awesome to behold. I am sitting here in Jerusalem, scratching my head. A Jewish magazine, intending to some sort of justice reconcilling post-modernity and Jewish ’sensibility’ creates a venue for a discussion on the most basic of Jewish concerns: How we treat each other. The inyan – issue – of LaShon Hara is so serious, it is equated in the Talmud with murder – murdering the Tzelem Elokim/Image of God – within the minds of the deliverer, receiver and of course object/subject.
I take two particular notes about how Mr. Cohen represents of himself through his actions and writings: In the first, it is interesting to note that he ignores the Jewish component of the discussion (as does Liel). In the second, I take note of his name – Cohen. It is a name that tells us he is the progeny of Aharon HaCohen, who is defined as ‘Ohaiv Shalom’ – lover of peace. Aharon spent his life bringing peace between people. His whole being was dedicated to healing hurt between people. His grandson Evan clearly knows nothing of this and cares less.
On the contrary. He exacerbates the hurt through astounding insensitivity and self-serving sophistry, taking cover behind an inferior set of values. He is a disgrace to his name as well as any notion of what the word ‘Law’ means. He is part of a Nation that brought Law to the world to make it better, not to use it to insulate oneself from responsibility for their actions and choices and how they impact upon another. A tragic American Jewish tale.
Further, I wonder if he ever says the ‘Shma.’ You know, the one about God is One. What does One mean? There’s no escape, everything is connected, the separations are an illusion. It is not a private a thing between parent and child, because what goes on between them gets played out and manifested once the child walks out the door of her/his home.
To be continued….
There is a simple solution to “cyberbullying”. Turn the computer, cell phone or whatever, OFF. Unlike regular bullying, where someone confronts you physically or taunts you, no one is forcing the child to read the emails or text messages. And no one can force a girl to watch Youtube.
To the parents whose children are being bullied:
1. The school has no control over what students do after school and on weekends, beyond trying to educate students about appropriate behavior. I think that’s why the court upheld the father’s complaint.
2. Take the phone or computer privilege away (from both the bully and the victim), until they become mature enough to use it properly.
IMO, the problem today is that parents are unwilling to take responsibility for teaching values to their kids. They want the schools and the rest of society to do their job. It’s like trying to ban pornography or movies or TV with things you don’t want your kid to see. TURN IT OFF. Don’t allow your kid to watch or listen. But don’t deprive the broadcasters of their First Amendment rights, or prevent me from watching adult programs if I want to.
@Snortwood: I think one thing that has people so riled up at Evan on this thread, as well as more generally, is that he has not admitted that your point (b) is at all relevant in this discussion.
I don’t think “Turn It Off” is a realistic expectation. That’s like depriving your children of all sugar or all non-educational toys — unless you live in a super-homogeneous community, your kid eventually leaves your tiny cocoon and your edicts won’t work out in the wider world. PLUS you’ve deprived your kid of decision-making skills. That’s why we need to be explicit about our (Jewish and ethical!) values, AND teach media and technological literacy.
Meanwhile, New York City’s Department of Education just proposed a change to the city schools’ Discipline Code: now cyberbullying (“intimidating and bullying behavior through electronic communication”) will be subject to a disciplinary beat-down. According to our indispensable local resource Inside Schools, the new version of the code will also emphasize counseling, peer mediation, and parent outreach instead of relying so much on suspensions. Which I think sounds good — does anyone learn anything from suspension except “don’t get caught”? (Or in some people’s case: TIME TO SUE.) I can see counseling and perhaps parent outreach having more impact than mediation…though of course, parent outreach won’t work if the parents are also bullies or refuse to acknowledge their child’s wrongdoing. On my personal blog I included some links to current research showing that mediation is misguided when it comes to bullying: Mediation assumes that both parties have a valid point of view, but bullying is closer to child abuse: it’s just WRONG. Zero Tolerance policies aren’t a good approach either; if the punishment for bullying is invariably huge, kids may hesitate to report bullying for fear of retaliation, and kids who bully won’t learn strategies to change their behavior — they’ll just get booted. (And if their daddies sue, not even that.)
I can tell you what the school is afraid of. It’s called Columbine.
Marianna –
Notwithstanding what you WANT, the school CAN’T get involved in off-campus matters without violating constitutional rights.
Off-campus, really? Everything? Really? How about if two kids, in the middle of the summer, call each other names. Maybe one repeats the insult on Facebook that day. The first day of school, two months later, one walks into the counselor’s office and says “Johnny hurt my feelings. Johnny is a cyberbully.” You want Johnny suspended, right? Is that your solution?
Too bad. No power. Case after case is in accord. The kids are going to have to work it out themselves. The school is not a “super parent.”
Linda:
Ah yes. Columbine. The excuse of ever incompetent administrator. “Hey, we can’t have another Columbine around here.”
One girl called another girl “spoiled.” Someone needs to know that there’s a difference between a stupid video and “Columbine.”
Mr. Cohen? I had no revenge fantasy…I merely said,”They should have sued you and your daughter…” That was the course open to them. They chose otherwise. Not my call. But if I’d received the response from you that they did, I would have. I would certainly file a harassment complaint.
Having kids who have disabilities makes us much more aware of bullying situations, since our kids are more vulnerable.
In one situation, the bully would stand on the sidewalk (which is public, as you know) and threaten my kids if they rode their trikes down to his end of the block. He brandished a knife on one occasion, and shot my then 5 year old with an air pellet gun. I reported it. His parents made up excuses and alibis and nothing could be done. These helpless situations are made worse by the, “My child can do no wrong” mentality.
We have an obligation to our kids..on both sides. The bullied need to be protected and taught to deal with bullies. The bullies need to be taught as well. They are lacking some sort of social ability, and think they are problem solving by their cruelty, in that people do what they say, or react with them.
It’s been said that “to fail tell someone how you feel denies them the opportunity to change”. Kids will be kids, but the reason we don’t call them adults yet is that they are still growing and in need of guidance.
If we deny them that guidance, they are going to do worse than they currently are.
Rabbi –
Do me a favor and do not make any assumptions about my family history. Your words are false and obnoxious. How dare you. My grandfather was a great man, came to the United States from the Ukraine and respected the law. My father was a great lawyer and taught me well. The case at hand was a scholarly effort to learn the law regarding civil rights, submit well-written and well-researched arguments to the court, and bring about an important lesson of about the limits of governmental power.
Your insults and disrespect towards honest work, and the quest for civil rights, are disgusting to me. Where I come from, Jews fight for their rights and the rights of others. Perhaps it’s better that you don’t live here. Seriously.
This has been a fascinating discussion- one that I’ve felt compelled to revisit several times over the course of the last few days. I hope it continues over the course of the week.
I think the issue really falls into 2 areas that, sadly, don’t always co-exist in our country. The first is the civil arena- individual rights- fought for and won by Mr. Cohen. The second is the Jewish arena- more about what’s good for the community and how we behave as a group.
In the cyberbullying and school power scenario a judgement has been made. But what of the moral and ethical case? What’s the ultimate judgement about how the children behaved toward each other, or how some behave toward each other on this blog? The mitzvot provide guidelines for appropriate behavior human to human. But there’s no lawsuit against someone not treating you the way you don’t want to be treated.
I prefer living along the lines of the moral-ethical arena but am thankful to live in a country where Mr. Cohen can take the civil arena on this issue.
Evan: You are arguing with the extreme of my position, not with my actual argument. The logical extreme of an argument is always a convenient strawman, but rarely useful in elucidating the nuances of a debate or in changing anyone’s mind.
There is a whole range of responses that a school can make in any given situation. Part of the school’s job is to have the good judgment to tailor the consequence to the act. Suspension may have been excessive in the case of your daughter’s video. And it would be excessive in the scenario you just described. But SOME response on the part of the school IS appropriate, because teaching kids to be decent members of a community is part of a school’s educational mission.
Mr. cohen,
1- The grandfather I referred to was the original Cohen, Aharon. Not your father’s father. So I hope you read legal papers more carefully than you read my words.
2- I am a great champion of the limits on governmental powers. You simply refuse to acknowledge a Jewish discussion of an issue with Jewish legal implications in a Jewish magazine that is addressed on Jewish terms. Defending rights are great. Keep on, keeping on. But it is in and remains revealing how you possess no humility to even acknowledge the Jewish components involved. That, sir, is indeed a disgrace to the progenitor of your entire family line. And I would bet that the knowledge you possess of Aharon HaKohen Ohaiv Shalom could maybe fill a thimble.
3- Insults? Have you no sensibility to at least the tenor of all your postings?
4- For everyone else who actually cares about even being at risk of hurting someone through speech, the all-time expert on Lashon Hara, the Chofetz Chaim (ever heard of him, Evan?) made clear that when one does something in the public arena, they forfeit the protections and remedies that the laws of Lashon Hara provide.
5- Finally, where there is a conflict between man-made American laws, which are not based upon truth or justice (an act can be permitted in one local and felonious in another) and can be changed at the whim of an executive finding or the changed in the balance of political power or the make-up of a court, and Divine Law which has endured for 3700 years and is based solely upon truth and justice, I’ll take Halacha any day of the week.
Oh, BTW, I’ve been gentle with you, Mr. Cohen. And I care not as to whether you ‘like me’ or not. In that, we are the same. You obviously care not whether you are even likeable. Shabbat Shalom and have an easy fast on Monday night/Tuesday.
What this article is all about?
???
Maybe this bully Dad and bully girl legally got away with it, but what are they going to say to the great Judge in the Sky this Yom Kippur ?
I certainly know what The Judge is going say to them: How you treat others is how I am going to treat you. Beware.
Sometimes the recipient of bullying provokes the attack, and sometimes he or she is simply a victim. Either way, bullying hurts everyone. Parents should consider what kind of child they want to raise: a child that is secure and empathetic enough to be kind and strong and self-possessed enough to stick up for what is right seems to be ideal. Evan might have a lovely daughter who simply made a mistake (all kids do). Sadly, for her most of all, he is not teaching his child kindness or integrity. His energies are tragically misplaced. Perhaps this has been all too public for him to recant. Humility seems to come hard to him. Hopefully, for his daughter’s sake, he can support her own efforts to do the right thing. She had a great instinct–to take it down. He needs to help her make amends. If he can’t, then he must let her find her own way, not quash her healthy desire to make up for wrongdoing. If she doesn’t take some kind of responsibility for her actions now, she will be harmed by this event more than Evan can appreciate.
Final thought: It’s so interesting to make note of the fact that the article and comment thread about how we treat each other has come during the Three Weeks/Nine Days/Tisha B’AV period which is all about destruction that results from the horrible ways we treat each other through ‘free speech.’
How much more horrible when evil speech is broadcast so that everyone can participate in the sin. Interesting.
Are you people still talking about this?
Jordana, your comments are abhorrent to me. Fighting for civil rights — “tragically misplaced”?? Someone had to stand up for the Constitution. That person was me. I’m sorry you feel ashamed about such things. Do you live in the United States? It doesn’t sound like it.
And, for the 63rd time this month, I will say this again: The video was put up AFTER the case was filed, because of the public debate. The NYT article was inaccurate; the offer to take the video down was BEFORE the case was filed, but the alleged victim WANTED IT KEPT UP. Read the case. Does that sound like “cyberbullying”?
Jordana, get a clue.
Yes, Evan, shockingly, people are still interested in issues of decency, and in reconciling the requirements of the law with those of the heart. You’re the one in desperate need of a clue.
Marianna –
Time for you to join the “get a clue” club.
“Decency” also means treating citizens with respect and not arbitrarily infringing on their civil rights. We addressed this outrage, and we won. What have you done for the Constitution…ever?
Now, go wag your self-righteous finger at someone else, and stop cyber-bullying me.
I’ve done plenty for the Constitution, actually, but that is neither here nor there.
Tell me, why do you refuse to acknowledge any component to this discussion other than the legal one? Is it so difficult to conceive that the law may not be all there is to it? When you say that “citizens” should be treated with respect, do you genuinely believe that it is only the government that has that obligation? Is it possible, just maybe, that “citizens” should also treat each other with respect? Is “respect” just limited to “not infringing on their civil rights” or does it have a broader meaning?