poster for 'The Orphan'

The new horror flick The Orphan depicts a young couple’s decision to adopt a young girl gone seriously, supernaturally, and fatally awry. Ubiquitous posters spookily inform passersby, “THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ESTHER.” Er, you mean, besides her name? We haven’t seen the movie—it opens today—but a few ideas of what else could be wrong with Esther occurred to us:

• The popular girls in Esther’s Girl Scout troop, enjoying their trayf at McDonald’s, mock the falafel Esther brought from home, evoking its resemblance to charred testicles.
• Esther’s adoptive parents dress her exclusively in ‘80s polyester hand-me-downs from their Hillel friends, despite Esther’s protestations that just because she’s descended from Eastern Europeans doesn’t mean she has to dress like she raided the bargain receptacle at a Bulgarian flea market.
• Esther’s grandmother refuses to invite Esther’s new Irish Catholic boyfriend to the first night of Hanukkah. Doesn’t bubbe know what his ancestors would’ve done for a latke during the potato famine?
• Given her penchant for decapitation, Esther wonders if she should have been named Judith.
• Esther develops an appetite for blood, which in turn leads her to (horror of horrors) the Church—transubstantiation sounds delicious!