Kevin Youkilis to Join the Yankees
Jewish slugger is coming to the Big Apple
In what’s quickly becoming the most hackneyed act of baseball treason, former Red Sox first baseman and tribesman Kevin Youkilis has reportedly joined the ranks of the New York Yankees. The aging slugger with a bad back is expected to fill in for injured third baseman Alex Rodriguez, who will have hip surgery in January.
Youkilis is a three-time MLB All-Star, two-time World Series Champion, and winner of the 2008 Hank Aaron Award. Known for his odd batting stance, he’s one of seven players to go yard in his first-ever big league game, hitting a home run off Cy Young winner Pat Hentgen. Youk is also praised for his ability to get on base, eking out walks by working opposing pitchers.
Other fun facts: His family fled Romania to avoid conscription, living in Greece and taking up the surname Youkilis to avoid jail when they eventually returned. Youkilis is married to the sister of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, has a charity wine called SauvignYoouuk Blanc, and volunteered to play with Israel in the 2013 World Baseball Classic, which it sadly failed to qualify for.
When informed of the Youkilis deal, Matthew Fishbane, Tablet’s resident cranky Red Sox fan, said “F*&$ him.”
Here is a classic video of comedian Denis Leary hilariously sounding off about Youkilis, Mel Gibson, Judaism, and baseball during a game. While Leary is praising Youkilis in the booth, Youkilis makes a diving stop and picks off a player to end an inning.