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My Trumped Up Jewish Fantasy, From A to Z

What would a rally look like, were Trump and his followers to reverse course entirely, and vow to perform only acts of lovingkindness?

by
Helene Meyers
April 04, 2016
Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images
Donald Trump speaks during a Tea Party rally against the international nuclear agreement with Iran outside the U.S. Capitol in Washington, DC, September 9, 2015. Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images
Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images
Donald Trump speaks during a Tea Party rally against the international nuclear agreement with Iran outside the U.S. Capitol in Washington, DC, September 9, 2015. Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images

Donald Trump’s far-right turn on reproductive rights has forced the Republican frontrunner into reverse, if even just a bit. Given that the unimaginable is quickly becoming political reality, a Jewish feminist can’t be faulted for imagining a world to come in which Trump atones for his political sins and vows to reverse his course.

Inspired by his daughter, Ivanka, and the bris of his grandson, he might ask his followers at a rally not to raise their hands in fascist fashion, but rather to make a fist and lightly pound their breasts as Jews do when reciting the vidui, or confession, on Yom Kippur. At this rally, he and his followers would vow to clean up their act and learn a thing or two from progressive Jewish values. As one, they would promise to:

Act notoriously, in the ethical tradition of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Bring comfort to those who are mourning the death of civility in the public square

Cherish freedom of the press

Defend religious freedoms

Eschew torture

Fact Check

Give back ill-gotten gains from a university undeserving of that name

Honor smart, mouthy women, especially when they ask hard questions or insist that the campaign keeps its hands off all female body parts, including arms and ovaries

Incite tolerance, respect for difference, and chesed (lovingkindness)

Judge themselves as harshly as they judge others

Kindle light

Listen to diverse voices, not just those in their own heads

Measure a man by the depth of his wisdom rather than the size of his penis

Nix building walls, and build bridges instead

Object to sucker punching in their midst

Promote menschlichkeit (common decency), rather than shlonging

Quiet the bully within

Remember the inspired words of Emma Lazarus that welcomed immigrants to our shores

Shun those who practice a politics of hate

Talk substance not trash

Use resources to proclaim “You’re Hired,” rather than “You’re Fired”

Vote for tampons to be covered by Medicaid and food stamps

Work within the limits of international military laws

X-ray hands, feet, and genitalia—and then keep pictures to themselves

Yield the nomination to the candidate most qualified to unite and redeem the party of Lincoln

Zap the Islamophobes and anti-Semites in their midst

Helene Meyers, professor of English at Southwestern University, is the author of Identity Papers: Contemporary Narratives of American Jewishness. She blogs for Lilith Magazine.