Departing CNN host Larry King has a new gig lined up: He recently invested in the Florida-based Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company, which sells technology that enables someone anywhere to replicate Brooklyn tap water for the purpose of making authentic Brooklyn bagels.
Yes, this company exists. Its apologia pro vita sua reads:
As anyone who has ever been in the New York area knows, Brooklyn bagels have a unique taste and quality. Over many decades, there have been countless attempts, even by experienced New York bagel bakers, to recreate a true “New York bagel” in other cities around the country.
However, no matter how valiant the effort, no one has successfully re-created a true New York bagel until now. The one ingredient with the greatest effect has been missing, which is authentic New York water. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE WATER! The purity, quality and temperature of New York City’s world renowned water completes the perfect recipe for bagels, and replicating the New York water to make the perfect New York bagel has become the holy grail of bagel bakers outside of New York.
The Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company’s patented water treatment technology system provides the following unique and key competitive advantages:
• Enables the replication of Brooklyn water– the key ingredient necessary to create the nation’s finest bagel anywhere in the world.
• Designed to provide maintenance-free operation for the franchisee via satellite monitoring of each store’s water system to ensure consistent quality.
• Able to assist local residents, offering up to five gallons of water free, when a boil-water alert is declared.
With this technology, The Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company can firmly state that “it’s all about the water.”
I have no words. There are no words.