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Saudi Arabia Plans to Free Vulture-Spy

They have ways of making you brawck

by
Marc Tracy
January 11, 2011
A griffon vulture (we cannot confirm it is the griffon vulture).(Wikipedia)
A griffon vulture (we cannot confirm it is the griffon vulture).(Wikipedia)

“These systems are fitted to birds and animals, including marine animals. Most countries use these systems, including Saudi Arabia. We have taken delivery of this bird, but we will set it free again after we [have] verified its systems.” -Prince Bandar bin Saud Al Saud.

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: I apologize if you considered our accommodations insufficient to your needs. It was the best cage we’ve got.

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: And you should know your home-country has duly been notified of your whereabouts—although we both know that wasn’t really necessary. Don’t we?

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Oh you don’t? You say you don’t know what I’m talking about? Interesting, interesting. Speaking of interesting: That’s an interesting bracelet-thing you are wearing on your ankle.

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Er, you’re welcome. I see it reads Tel Aviv University. Were you aware that it is in fact a GPS tracker, capable of transmitting your exact locations back to, indeed, Tel Aviv?

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Well surely you can understand our suspicion. Our countries have been at war several times, as you no doubt know.

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Who started it isn’t the point. The point is that you were sent here by an unfriendly nation, possibly as a covert agent!

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Nobody is accusing you of anything … yet. We just need—

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Excuse me, I was talking. As I was saying—

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: INTERRUPT ME AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

VULTURE R65: …

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Thank you.

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: As I was saying, we just need to verify that you are indeed an innocent member of a science experiment rather than Mossad. So let me ask you: What would you say if I told you that … Mossad stinks! Mossad is terrible! They can’t even kill a top Hamas operative properly!

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Hrmm. A real Mossad vulture would never have let such an accusation stand undisputed. Very well! This vulture really must be who he says he is. You are free to go!

VULTURE R65: Brawck!

SAUDI INTELLIGENCE: Yeah, well you smell, too.

Marc Tracy is a staff writer at The New Republic, and was previously a staff writer at Tablet. He tweets @marcatracy.