Go the F**k to Shul
A re-imagining of the bestseller
“Imagine if this were written about Jews, blacks, Muslims or Latinos,” says Dr. David Arredondo (via Gawker), criticizing Adam Mansbach’s parody children’s book Go the F**k to Sleep. A sensation, Mansbach’s book (you can, and should, hear Werner Herzog reading it) imagines a classic bedtime story from the perspective of the parent who cannot believe said child is still awake. (Mansbach was honored with a Big Jewcy profile this month.)
Profanity aside, the book is hilarious and all in good fun, because even as the parent’s frustration mounts, his or her love for the child is never actually in doubt. Still: “Imagine if this were written about Jews”? Sounds like a dare …
(Profanity after the jump.)
It’s Yom Kippur, and you’re far away,
The last thing I want’s to be cruel.
I’m your mother, son, you know I adore you,
But please go the fuck to shul.
You’d only go for a few hours,
Shorter than a full day of school.
You’ll probably run into people you know
If you go the fuck to shul.
We don’t observe the birth of Christ, son,
This isn’t some lame fucking Yule.
It’s the Day of Atonement, a big deal:
Go the fuck to shul.
Go ahead, eat something beforehand.
Gay gezunt, no reason to drool.
I’m not asking you to believe in it,
Only to go to fucking shul.
It’s a depressing observance, I know.
Could make you want to hit the barstool.
It’s the day that you say you’ve been shitty,
Which is why it’s in fucking shul.
Sure, guilt me, make me feel I’m unfair,
That I treat you like a fucking mule,
That I’m an awful, ungracious mother,
Who cares, if you’re in shul?
Cast me as some kind of tyrant,
Your very own lord of misrule.
Jesus, is it really so fucking horrible
For you to go the fuck to shul?
And yes I’m a big stereotype,
Or worse, just a big Jewish tool.
It doesn’t matter what you think of me, though.
Go. The fuck. To shul.
You used to treasure your religion.
I’d get you in Hebrew School carpool,
And all you’d discuss was how you couldn’t wait
To go the fuck back to shul.
But now it’s just some kind of burden,
Time-spending’s equivalent of gruel,
Fucking stop all your bitching! It’s not so bad,
As you’d know if you went to shul.
I admit Yom Kippur can be trying,
You do tend to run out of fuel.
One year I actually fucking fainted
In the middle of shul.
It came early this year, so it’s warm
I could just go swim in the pool.
Would it truly be the end of the world if I
Don’t go the fuck to shul?
Screw this. I’m done lying to myself,
No more shall I feel like a fool.
I’ve got things to do anyway,
I’m not fucking going to shul.