Lana Del Rey.(Chris Jackson/Getty Images)

As Jews, we’ve many burning topics to concern ourselves with, but none more pressing than

(Secret note to readers: Lana Del Rey! Sure, there’s nothing Jewish about the pop sensation, but we can’t allow ourselves to be the only site on the entire Internet with nothing to say about her debut album, Born to Die, or her scandalous Saturday Night Live performance, or her status as either the coolest thing in music or a manufactured mess, depends on who you ask. So here we are, talking about Lana Del Rey.)

Jewish continuity and the alarmingly dropping rates of communal organization participation, particularly among young teens. One way to address this question

(… is to just look at Lana’s photo. I mean, does anyone really believe she hasn’t had her lips shot up with collagen? Do yourself a favor and Google Lizzy Grant, which is Lana’s given name and her stage name before she became a prefabricated pop tart. Look at her lips. Compare. I mean, come on.)

is to do whatever we can, as a community, to remained attuned to the needs and concerns of those of us seeking to define their identity outside the confines of traditional institutions. We must

(… admit the simple truth here: the only reason not to completely despise Lana Del Rey as the overprivileged daughter of a real estate tycoon who had her daddy buy her a team of producers to tweak every aspect of her career is that unlike Lady Gaga and other recent, post-modern pop icons, Lana is keeping it old school. She’s a fake, but the right kind of fake, the kind that’s about sex, not dresses made out of meat or bizarre, elaborate performances.)

remain alert, and never stop thinking about the images that, as a community, truly matter to us

(… like Lana Del Rey. I mean, we Jews had Amy Winehouse, who had her share of image-driven bravado, but the girl could actually sing, and write terrific music. What can Lana do? Unclear. So much to think about!)

so that we might take appropriate action. Thank you for your time.

Apologies to Dave Barry.