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Welcome to New York City, Tim Tebow!

A guide for the perplexed

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Tim Tebow last month.(David Livingston/Getty Images)

Though yesterday was not without its confusions, by the end it was clear: Tim Tebow—a conspicuous born-again Christian whose extremely unorthodox quarterbacking style produced an extremely improbable division championship and playoff victory for the Denver Broncos last season—is a New York Jet. He will play his home games in the swamps of Jersey, but, for all intents and purposes, Tebow is coming to the Big Apple.

With that in mind, the hospitable thing is to give him a few tips for his arrival at the capital of American Jewry:

• Tim Tebow, meet Mayor Koch.

• We stand up when we pray for serious, so if you’d like to keep “Tebowing,” then the last thing you do is kneel; we will just think you are tying your shoes.

Howston. Howston Street.

• Don’t worry, we can’t afford tickets to Yankees games, either.

• Those people in Brooklyn are not Amish.

• I understand why You allow sin and evil to continue in this world. But Donald Trump? Really?

• No, Jewish people don’t believe Jesus’ middle name was “Fucking.”

• In fact, cream cheese is optional, and actually if you’ve got one of the older servers at Russ & Daughters, you will be complimented for electing to have butter instead. But if you really want to play in the NFL, order belly lox.

• You, Jeremy Lin, and Charlie Ward: That’s almost one-third a minyan!

• Maybe don’t mention the abortion stuff!

• Yes, we know Jesus was a Jew, too. Pointing that out is probably the worst way to win us over.

• You wanted to avoid the Browns, now you want to avoid Brownsville.

• SEC means something different here.

• Yes, we, too, are grateful to Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum for blessing us with your presence. But don’t thank us: Despite the name, Tannenbaum’s not Jewish!

• The redheaded one is Miranda, not Charlotte. Charlotte’s the hot one.

• Rosh Hashanah begins on a Sunday this year. If you really want to win the hearts of all Jewish Jets fans, take a dramatic stand and refuse to play in the game that day. Then refuse to play in every other game.

Tim Tebow Traded to Jets [ESPN]
Earlier: Do I Believe in Tim Tebow?

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Matthew Fishbane says:

Oh snap

Fischer says:

Not funny.

Debby says:

Very funny. Thanks for the chuckles. Tebow thanks you for the insights.

Memories of Jim Rome and Jim Everett.

If Leon Hess still owned the team, we could have printed ‘My Boss is a Jewish Oil Magnate’ bumper stickers.

JCarpenter says:

You should maybe tell him about the rival gang, the Sharks—and Officer Krupke

Rafael Bocanegra says:

The best thing that could happen to anyone, anywhere, near New York is to have a bible carrying,LORD JEHOVA worshipper like Tim Tebow around, and once you’re on GODS team,and you can ask any Jew,you have a winning team or CHRISTIAN for that matter

M. Burgh says:

Is that true about Jesus’s middle name? I stand corrected.

driftless1 says:

Is this supposed to be funny? I love a good spoof, a little cynicism, and some good tongue-in-cheek, and Tebow’s arrival in the Big Apple certainly presents an opportunity for each. But, for a piece of humorous writing, unless I’m completely missing the point, this is utterly devoid of humor!

As a side comment, I think it is fascinating that evil men use the death of an observant Jew as a pretext for the murder of and whole sale slaughter of other Jews, especially as he, himself, is said to have forgiven those who offered him up to crucifixion. Just a thought.

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Welcome to New York City, Tim Tebow!

A guide for the perplexed

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