Q&A: The Jews
Taking on—and solving—life’s toughest questions
September 08, 2015
Jews in Jerusalem, June 15, 2014. Ahmad Gharabli/AFP/Getty Images
Until recently, if you were to query Google Who Runs Hollywood? the Internet monster’s algorithm would give you back: “The Jews.” The Jews sure seem like an involved people out there in California. So I began to wonder: What else do The Jews have answers for? Turns out, a lot.
Why is my teenager so moody?
The Jews.
Why was Tom Brady freed?
The Jews.
What exactly was the Smoke Monster on Lost?
The Jews.
Why do fools fall in love?
The Jews.
Who won the 1998 N.B.A Championship?
The Jews.
What is the secret of doing magic?
The Jews.
Who invented the whoopee cushion?
The Jews.
How does Alex Trebek continue to do it, both with mustache and without?
The Jews.
Who turned the apple upside-down cake upside-down?
The Jews.
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
The Jews.
Do you take credit cards or is this a cash-only establishment?
The Jews.
Who played the butler in the original episode of Batman?
The Jews.
Who directed the first episode of Columbo?
The Jews.
What is lava?
The Jews.
How do I get my baby to sleep through the night?
The Jews.
Why does my shower caddie still rust when I paid extra for stainless steel?
The Jews.
Should I buy organic or just, like, the regular stuff?
The Jews.
Does this make me look fat?
The Jews.
Who cut the cheese?
The Jews.
Kanye West?
The Jews.
Justin Bieber?
The Canadians.
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
The Jews.
Biggie or Pac?
The Jews.
Should I move away from New York once and for all and just stop talking about it?
The Jews.
Why do I always hate on Halloween when all I want to do is dress up and flail and party covered in make up and a cape?
The Jews.
Why was Emperor Palpatine so sure that The Force had blackened beyond repair within Darth Vader, only to be betrayed and thrown down a well in the Death Star by the elder Skywalker?
The Jews.
Why did my putt bend to the right when clearly the green leaned left, damnit?
The Jews.
What accent is that?
The Jews.
What’s that smell?
The Jews.
Will Tiger Woods ever win another major?
The Jews.
Who make up the better doppelganger duo? Drake and Lord Voldwemort, or Emperor Palpatine and Pope Benedict?
The Jews.
Who let the dogs out?
The Jews.
Jonathan Zalman is a writer and teacher based in Brooklyn.
