In the midst of all this death and destruction and—wait, Don King, who was once convicted for manslaughter and then pardoned is trumpeting for Donald Trump as a Middle East peace strategist? Sorry, back to where we were. In the midst of all this crap, the end of this horrid year, there is a small piece of good news that warms my heart: Drake, everybody’s favorite Canadian Jewish boy/rap superstar, is apparently dating JLo.
I know. The blissed-out new couple seemed to confirm their relationship by both posting the same picture of them cuddling on their Instagram accounts simultaneously, and a source close to Lopez tells People that one of the things J. Lo is looking forward to most in the new year (and good on her for having more than one thing! Nobody else does) is “spending time with Drake.” “Drake is very charming,” the source (who could be anyone from Benny Medina to one of her children) continues. “He treats Jen with lots of respect. She seems very smitten.”
So what do we think about this new pairing for our nice boychik? Well, first let’s just look at the facts on the ground. Jennifer is (officially) 47; Drake is 30. But she seems to like younger men and Drake has spoken openly about his deep and abiding crush on Lopez contemporary Sarah Silverman, so he’s clearly not scared off by an age gap either. Jennifer has two children, twins Max and Emme (with her third husband, singer Marc Anthony); Drake’s mother is still waiting for the pitter-patter of tiny grandfeet. Jennifer is a Leo (of course); Drake is a Scorpio (oy), which, according to people in the know about these types of things, like everyone in the state of California—seriously, you have to answer horoscope questions on the written test at the DMV before you can update your license—makes for an “intense and challenging pair.” (And frankly you can say that about any celebrity coupling, even if they’re like, say, a Virgo and a Cancer.)
So the question remains, can Drake handle Jenny from the Block? Can anyone? It’s an open question, and I suppose, as with everything, time will tell. And what does “handling someone” mean, anyway? That they’ll live happily ever after in fabulously wealthy, monogamous bliss? That they’ll have a perfectly pleasant relationship that will fizzle out in a few months, after which they’ll both ruminate fondly from time to time in the years to come? Or that they’ll have a brief marriage and spectacular, vitriolic flameout that will light up the tabloids and give us all an entertaining respite from our own bleak and increasingly hopeless lives?
I don’t know the answer to this, except to say that maybe it’s time that we stop treating Drake like he’s some kind of awkward bar mitzvah boy who simultaneously tries to cop a feel yet strategically angles his crotch away from the girl he’s dancing with, who’s also a foot taller than he is. Look, the guy dated—and probably had his heart broken—by Rihanna. He’s a internationally famous music star with his own clothing label. He’s probably perfectly capable of holding his own with women, no matter how famous they are or how many white gardenia scented candles they expect to be placed just so around their white marble bathtubs. Maybe in 2017, let’s finally admit that Drake is not just a nice Jewish boy. He’s also a rich, famous, and powerful man. Besides, if JLo marries him, she can go and live in Canada as a citizen. And who wouldn’t want that?