Britney, Survivor

Britney Spears’ career has taken a new curious turn with word she’s in negotiations to star in a movie titled The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton. “Britney will reportedly play the main role of Sophia LaMont, who creates a time machine and travels back to World War II where she meets a Jewish man called Eton at a concentration camp,” reports the National Ledger, which broke the news yesterday.

It’s quite the pitch, even before you try to imagine the Crossroads star in a lead role. But Tablet has gotten hold of a top-secret script treatment, direct from Hollywood. Here’s how the movie will go (or so we’d like to think):

Sophia’s time machine lands in the camp’s shower room. Water’s not coming out of those shower heads, of course, but because she’s in an air-tight vehicle, our heroine is safe. Her hair shaved off by a disturbingly sexy German soldier (negotiations are underway for Madonna to take the role), Sophia is interrogated under an austere hanging lightbulb. She defies the torture, crying out, “Hit me, baby! One more time!” Then, she faints from exhaustion. While passed out, Sophia dreams of her older sister, Lina LaMont, and, in her reverie, starts singing in the rain, splashing, and, yes, grinding in the muddy puddles of the camp while belting out an auto-tunes enhanced version of “Here Comes the Rain Again.”



Meantime, Eton (Adrien Brody is eager to play the part, we heard), cursed with a name that looks like that of a British prep school but is pronounced Eitan, knows he shouldn’t fall for Sophia, because she’s not from the old world. Eton’s father, a dairy farmer from Anatevka, mumbles something about tradition. Eton’s not hearing it. Sophia’s hawt! And she’s got a time machine! And maybe these crazy kids can get out alive! (Cue an above-middle-C piano version of “Stayin’ Alive”). Sadly for the doomed lovers, Nazis like time machines as much as anybody, and this particular group of villains really wants to check out the city of Porto, circa the Inquisition. They foil the lovers’ plans for escape (cleverly anchoring the time machine with chains), and kill the heroes. Sophia lets out a final farewell as she takes her last breath. “Auf wiedersehen, y’all.”



Fin.

Britney Spears—The Movie [National Ledger]