The 85th Academy Awards are being hosted by Seth MacFarlane this year, leaving open the real possibility that they will not feature a parodic opening medley with all the names of the Best Picture nominees, and even if they do, it will be performed by Seth MacFarlane, which is a big problem. To my mind, this medley has to be performed, and it has to be performed by Billy Crystal, otherwise the whole thing is unofficial and nobody really won, like how if they don’t lift you up in chairs at your wedding, you’re not really married.And yet! As Tablet Magazine is a place of wonder where dreams come true, I have somehow been allowed to write and perform my own Crystal-esque Oscar medley in the style of my idol Marc Shaiman, which I hope will mitigate some of this disappointment.I know. It’s insane. But here! It! Is!Musical direction by Rich Silverstein, our official accompanist. Sound engineering by David Gould. Give it a listen (and when you hear my voice, please pretend you are listening to Patti LuPone.) Lyrics appear after the jump, but spoiler alert, the jokes get spoiled if you read them.Spoiler Alert: Lyrics aheadThe Tattler Oscar Night MedleyIt’s a wonderful night for Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, who will win!The nominees for best picture are:When your spouse lies in bed\nAnd you wish she was dead\nThat’s Amour, oui!\nShe can’t talk anymore\nAnd she falls on the floor\nThat’s Amour, oui!Though you care\nDoesn’t know you’re there\nIt’s because she’s dementedYou ask me\nAwfully nice to see\nOlder folks representedWhen you lovingly coo\nAnd she says, “Who are you?”\nThat’s Amour, ouiWhen you promise to stay\nTil the last bitter day,\nWell, that’s loveWhen you smother your wife\nThereby ending her life and the story‘Scuzez moi\nAu revoir\nC’est un Oscar pour toi\nThat’s Amour oui!***Hello, Django\nWell, hello, Django\nIt’s so nice to see you out of all those chainsNo need to flee, Django\nNow you’re free, Django\nBlood is flowing so get going blowing out those brainsOh look, it’s you, Christophe\nFound some Jews, Christophe?\n’Cause there’s one here you can hunt, dear, just say when(I’ll give you my number later)ButThat’s not this movie\nDjango’s the guy in this movie\nN-word’ll never be in chains again!!!***How do you solve a problem like Osama?\nHow do you catch the world’s worst terrorist?\nHow do you torture guys who know Osama?\nA solitary cell, electrodes on balls, a fist?Continue Reading: Life of Pi, Argo, and moreHow do you know they’re ripe for waterboarding?\nHow can you tell their intel is correct?\nAnd how do you know you should\nHaul out the old leash and hood\nEven though the public may objectOh how do you solve a problem like Osama?\nZero Dark Thirty help us to reflect***Look at this stuff\nDumped in the sea\nEveryone drowning\nWhich left only meLooking around here you think—\nWait, what’s the growling sound—Look at this wreck\nVictims untold\nYet a flesh-eating tiger is there in the hold\nDoes a scream from the depths of the ocean\nEven make a soundSo now I float\nTil I get back\nUnless this tiger has me for snack!Did you see this film?\nNeither did I\nThe Life of Pi!!!!***Let’s wake up! it’s time for Argo\nTehran will be under embargo\nCall Ben’s name and see a star go\nTo the podium on Oscar night.***You put the copper back in the coin, Abe\nYou put the “illin’” in Illinois, AbeYou’ve got the Union fighting and righting all the wrongs of slavery\nThe greatest POTUS since Jed Bartlet on The West Wing on TVYou’re true blue honest down to your veins, Abe\nGot Django outta all of those chains, Abe\nAnd with Day-Lewis playing it’s no wonder every critic had to rave\nYou made us all believe again\nWhen you get shot we grieve again\nMight win the prize for Steve again, Abe!***Silver Linings Playbook\n—Ings Playbook, —ings Playbook\nSilver Linings Playbook\n—Ings Playbook, —ings Playbook\n—Ings Playbook\nAnd Playbook!!!!***You can’t stop this mighty storm\nNo you can’t stop it, child\nAnd you can’t help the Bathtub folks\nLiving in the Southern wild!Continue Reading: Les Miz, moreSo let the polar icecaps melt\nLet the Aurochs come from the Arctic shelf\nGive the Oscar out to a 6-year old today\n’Cause you can’t stop the beasts!***I dreamed a dream\nI dreamed it for you, Annie\nIt’s gonna come true, Annie\nYou thought I was through, oh but Annie:Pull the tooth!\nShave the head!\nNineteen years just for stealing some bread!\nWho am I? Jean Valjean.\nJackman, everything’s Les MisérablesHaul the boat! Wince with pain!\nWhack your head on that wall by the Seine!\nSinging live, camera’s on\nRussell, everything’s Les MisérablesBut she can do it!\nBring the golden guy home!\nAnne can do it!\nFantine is gonna see to it!Sell the hair! Poor Cosette!\nThen lose thirty-five pounds on a bet!\nYou were swell, like on Glee\nAsk Adele, she’ll agree\nAnd so you’ll hear the Oscar goes to you!***Because everything’s Amour and Lincoln and Life of Pi\nArgo and Playbook and Django—unchain that guy!\nZero Dark Thirty and Beasts of the Southern Wild\nEverything’s Les Misérables on this Oscar night!!!!!!!***Like this song? Sign up for our Daily Digest to get Tablet Magazine’s new content in your inbox each morning.Rachel Shukert, a Tablet Magazine columnist on pop culture, is the author of the memoirs Have You No Shame? and Everything Is Going To Be Great. Starstruck, the first in a series of three novels, is new from Random House. Her Twitter feed is @rachelshukert.