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Oscar Night Medley

Billy Crystal is long gone, but the Academy Awards medley need not be! The Tattler sings of 2012’s best films.

Rachel Shukert
February 22, 2013
(Photoillustration Tablet Magazine)

The 85th Academy Awards are being hosted by Seth MacFarlane this year, leaving open the real possibility that they will not feature a parodic opening medley with all the names of the Best Picture nominees, and even if they do, it will be performed by Seth MacFarlane, which is a big problem. To my mind, this medley has to be performed, and it has to be performed by Billy Crystal, otherwise the whole thing is unofficial and nobody really won, like how if they don’t lift you up in chairs at your wedding, you’re not really married.

And yet! As Tablet Magazine is a place of wonder where dreams come true, I have somehow been allowed to write and perform my own Crystal-esque Oscar medley in the style of my idol Marc Shaiman, which I hope will mitigate some of this disappointment.

I know. It’s insane. But here! It! Is!

Musical direction by Rich Silverstein, our official accompanist. Sound engineering by David Gould. Give it a listen (and when you hear my voice, please pretend you are listening to Patti LuPone.) Lyrics appear after the jump, but spoiler alert, the jokes get spoiled if you read them.

The Tattler Oscar Night Medley

It’s a wonderful night for Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, who will win!

The nominees for best picture are:

When your spouse lies in bed
And you wish she was dead
That’s Amour, oui!
She can’t talk anymore
And she falls on the floor
That’s Amour, oui!

Though you care
Doesn’t know you’re there
It’s because she’s demented

You ask me
Awfully nice to see
Older folks represented

When you lovingly coo
And she says, “Who are you?”
That’s Amour, oui

When you promise to stay
Til the last bitter day,
Well, that’s love

When you smother your wife
Thereby ending her life and the story

‘Scuzez moi
Au revoir
C’est un Oscar pour toi
That’s Amour oui!


Hello, Django
Well, hello, Django
It’s so nice to see you out of all those chains

No need to flee, Django
Now you’re free, Django
Blood is flowing so get going blowing out those brains

Oh look, it’s you, Christophe
Found some Jews, Christophe?
’Cause there’s one here you can hunt, dear, just say when

(I’ll give you my number later)


That’s not this movie
Django’s the guy in this movie
N-word’ll never be in chains again!!!


How do you solve a problem like Osama?
How do you catch the world’s worst terrorist?
How do you torture guys who know Osama?
A solitary cell, electrodes on balls, a fist?

How do you know they’re ripe for waterboarding?
How can you tell their intel is correct?
And how do you know you should
Haul out the old leash and hood
Even though the public may object

Oh how do you solve a problem like Osama?
Zero Dark Thirty help us to reflect


Look at this stuff
Dumped in the sea
Everyone drowning
Which left only me

Looking around here you think—
Wait, what’s the growling sound—

Look at this wreck
Victims untold
Yet a flesh-eating tiger is there in the hold
Does a scream from the depths of the ocean
Even make a sound

So now I float
Til I get back
Unless this tiger has me for snack!

Did you see this film?
Neither did I
The Life of Pi!!!!


Let’s wake up! it’s time for Argo
Tehran will be under embargo
Call Ben’s name and see a star go
To the podium on Oscar night.


You put the copper back in the coin, Abe
You put the “illin’” in Illinois, Abe

You’ve got the Union fighting and righting all the wrongs of slavery
The greatest POTUS since Jed Bartlet on The West Wing on TV

You’re true blue honest down to your veins, Abe
Got Django outta all of those chains, Abe
And with Day-Lewis playing it’s no wonder every critic had to rave
You made us all believe again
When you get shot we grieve again
Might win the prize for Steve again, Abe!


Silver Linings Playbook
—Ings Playbook, —ings Playbook
Silver Linings Playbook
—Ings Playbook, —ings Playbook
—Ings Playbook
And Playbook!!!!


You can’t stop this mighty storm
No you can’t stop it, child
And you can’t help the Bathtub folks
Living in the Southern wild!

So let the polar icecaps melt
Let the Aurochs come from the Arctic shelf
Give the Oscar out to a 6-year old today
’Cause you can’t stop the beasts!


I dreamed a dream
I dreamed it for you, Annie
It’s gonna come true, Annie
You thought I was through, oh but Annie:

Pull the tooth!
Shave the head!
Nineteen years just for stealing some bread!
Who am I? Jean Valjean.
Jackman, everything’s Les Misérables

Haul the boat! Wince with pain!
Whack your head on that wall by the Seine!
Singing live, camera’s on
Russell, everything’s Les Misérables

But she can do it!
Bring the golden guy home!
Anne can do it!
Fantine is gonna see to it!

Sell the hair! Poor Cosette!
Then lose thirty-five pounds on a bet!
You were swell, like on Glee
Ask Adele, she’ll agree
And so you’ll hear the Oscar goes to you!


Because everything’s Amour and Lincoln and Life of Pi
Argo and Playbook and Django—unchain that guy!
Zero Dark Thirty and Beasts of the Southern Wild
Everything’s Les Misérables on this Oscar night!!!!!!!


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Rachel Shukert, a Tablet Magazine columnist on pop culture, is the author of the memoirs Have You No Shame? and Everything Is Going To Be Great. Starstruck, the first in a series of three novels, is new from Random House. Her Twitter feed is @rachelshukert.

Rachel Shukert is the author of the memoirs Have You No Shame? and Everything Is Going To Be Great,and the novel Starstruck. She is the creator of the Netflix show The Baby-Sitters Club, and a writer on such series as GLOW and Supergirl. Her Twitter feed is @rachelshukert.