2014: The Year in Review (In Song)

Hi everyone! It’s time to do my annual year-end round-up, but since 2014 has been universally acknowledged to be such a singularly dismal year, I thought it might cheer everyone up to add a little levity to our traditional litany of misfortunes—and to recount them through the medium of song. So go ahead! Print out song sheets and sing along (or read responsively, if that makes you more comfortable).

In the first month of 2014
The world gave to me
A Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the second month of 2014
The world gave to me
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the third month of 2014
The world gave to me
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possibly anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the fourth month of 2014
The world gave to me
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possibly anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the fifth month of 2014
The world gave to me
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the sixth month of 2014
The world gave to me
Six hipster neo-Nazis
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the seventh month of 2014
The world gave to me
Seven pointless celebrity tweets about Gaza
Six hipster neo-Nazis
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the eighth month of 2014
The world gave to me
Eight farewells to the great and terrifying Lauren Bacall
Seven pointless celebrity tweets about Gaza
Six hipster neo-Nazis
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the ninth month of 2014
The world gave to me
Nine conscious uncouplings followed by formal conversions to Judaism
Eight farewells to the great and terrifying Lauren Bacall
Seven pointless celebrity tweets about Gaza
Six hipster neo-Nazis
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the tenth month of 2014
The world gave to me
Ten inquests into the wrongful death of Joan Rivers
Nine conscious uncouplings followed by formal conversions to Judaism
Eight farewells to the great and terrifying Lauren Bacall
Seven pointless celebrity tweets about Gaza
Six hipster neo-Nazis
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the eleventh month of 2014
The world gave to me
Eleven swastikas on Hanukkah wrapping paper
Ten inquests into the wrongful death of Joan Rivers
Nine conscious uncouplings followed by formal conversions to Judaism
Eight farewells to the great and terrifying Lauren Bacall
Seven pointless celebrity tweets about Gaza
Six hipster neo-Nazis
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

In the twelfth month of 2014
The world gave to me
Twelve possibly anti-Semitic hackers attacking our constitutional right to see a mildly funny movie on Christmas
Eleven swastikas on Hanukkah wrapping paper
Ten inquests into the wrongful death of Joan Rivers
Nine conscious uncouplings followed by formal conversions to Judaism
Eight farewells to the great and terrifying Lauren Bacall
Seven pointless celebrity tweets about Gaza
Six hipster neo-Nazis
Five re-emergent Lewinskys
Four Ginsberg’s severed nipples on Mad Men
Three attempts to ban the sexist and possible anti-Semitic term “bossy”
Two Adele Dazeems at the Oscars
And a Scarlett Johansson SodaStream

Happy 2015, everybody!