Every Wednesday, Senior Writer Allison Hoffman recaps the previous night’s episode of the glory that is Millionaire Matchmaker.
Remember after-school specials? Do they even have them anymore? Who knows! But this week, The Millionaire Matchmaker brought viewers two very important lessons: one, interfaith relationships are tricky! Two: Jews aren’t so much into Jesus!
But before we get to that, let’s review the story of Jimmy d’Ambrosio, a bachelor from Season Two who returned last night for a second go-round with la Matchmaker herself, Patti Stanger. When we last saw d’Ambrosio, he was referring to himself in the third person as Jimmy D and chasing tail at his Chicago nightclubs. Well, now he’s 32, still single, and wants to grow up. He’s even left Chitown for Las Vegas, which Stanger’s deputy, Chelsea, says is evidence that Jimmy is looking to settle down. Patti, not so easily convinced, takes Jimmy to Dr. Pat Allen. A truly remarkable specimen, Allen looks like she’s about eight million years old, and she’s got a mouth on her. too. “You’re a fox loose in the henhouse, but the trouble is, when the fox gorges on chicken, he loses his taste for chicken,” Allen explains. Except chicken is sex, which may or may not taste like chicken.
At the mixer, Jimmy passes over the lovely Whitney, another Season Two returnee—a brunette so hot a Jewish guy tried to date her, even though she’s not Jewish—and instead picks a blonde bimbo called Angel, who proceeds to get drunk, win $100,000 in a poker game, and disappear upstairs to vomit. (America’s Playground!)
Now, on to the main course. Mateo Stasior is a 42-year-old Harvard grad who worked at Microsoft before moving to L.A., where he is now an asset manager for a billion-dollar hedge fund. (“Just a billion dollars?” scoffed a friend of The Scroll.) Anyway, Mateo, who looks a lot like Herc from The Wire, says he thinks it’s time for him to find his mate, settle down, and get on with ‘that part’ of his life. We think maybe it’s time for him to ditch the terrible ties he keeps wearing. But maybe all of these things are related. Anyway, he seems like a nice enough guy, and it turns out his ex cheated on him, which is kind of sad. Patti reassures him that she’s not going to let him pick his next girlfriend with his penis, and says she will find someone who likes him for his personality.
The rub is that Mateo is a committed Christian, seeking same. “Religion is a deal-breaker, and I understand this completely,” Patti tells the camera in a bit of ecumenical sympathy. Luckily, she has just the girl for Mateo: Amber, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader who has the face of St. Mary and absolutely enormous breasts. What about God? She’s cool with that! Except, we learn on the date, she actually thinks that religion is the opiate of the masses, to paraphrase from one of the Jersey Shore kids.
Luckily, Mateo has spotted someone else at the mixer: Andrea, a flight attendant. Andrea—not one of Patti’s handpicked girls—comes with a little catch: her last name is Kaplan. That’s right, kids!
Patti takes her aside. “From one Jew to another—you’re Jewish, right?” Patti asks. Well, of course she is. “In God’s world, there is no religion, but in the real world, it doesn’t always work,” Patti warns. But Mateo decides to explore a little further, and invites Andrea for a little couch time. “So, you believe in God?” he asks. Yes, Andrea tells Mateo, Jews believe in God also. The very same God, in fact! Awesome! So Mateo picks the busty Jewess over the cheerleader. We like him more and more by the minute.
That is, until we see where this is going. Mateo seems to be under the impression that if he and Andrea are meant to be, she’ll see the light and find Jesus. “It’s in God’s hands!” he says, cheerfully. Patti, meanwhile, is freaking out. “He picked the wrong girl! Oy vey!” Andrea shows up for their date in a va-va-voom dress and with her hair gorgeously blown out. They get in a limo and go to the Los Alamitos racetrack to drink champagne and bet the ponies, which is what Christians do on dates, apparently? And they have so much fun Mateo doesn’t even notice Andrea’s Fran Drescher laugh.
A least, he doesn’t until they sit down to eat, which is when the trouble starts. Would she become a Christian, Mateo wants to know? “Both sides of my family are Jewish,” Andrea replies. “It’s important to me because it’s my heritage—I would never want to convert. I don’t think it’s an option for me.” Mateo looks stunned. Well, what about the kids? Can they be Christian? “I’m a woman,” she tells Mateo. “My children will be Jewish.”
Harvard grad Mateo is confused by the concept of halakhic matrilineal descent, and by the fact that Jesus is letting this happen to him. “Here she is, laying down the law about how she wants her children raised,” he sputters to the camera. Shocking, right? Patti reappears, more in sorrow than in anger at having been proven right. “It’s so sad religion is a deal-breaker for most people,” she reflects. “But it’s true.”
Next week: Bisexuals!!! It’ll be a hootenanny, promises Patti. We’ll see!
Allison Hoffman is a senior editor at Tablet Magazine. Her Twitter feed is @allisont_dc.