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Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Kinda? Free Food!

Here’s a Jewy questionnaire to make your awkward Valentine’s Day date even awkwarder and Jewier

Eli Batalion
February 12, 2016

On Valentine’s Day, every Jew should be asking themselves two questions: Really? This too I have to do? Well, if you can’t beat it, re-appropriate accordingly, right? We hereby take this opportunity to declare February 14 to be “Erev Varenike,” a holiday micro-soirée of dumplings and discussion at a diner of your choosing.

For those of you with the proverbial beitzim to go on a first date on Erev Varenike, we have come up with a list of 10 discussion questions to help you navigate this night with great bashertainty. As if that weren’t dayenu, multiple choice answers have been provided (below) as departure points (i.e. points at which to literally depart).

To assure the highest authenticity:
1. Print out page on a 2-D printer (in B&W—what are you, a Rothschild?)
2. Fold five ways, crumple, and fill with notes as though it were your favorite book from High School
3. Stick in humid wallet/purse for 4-7 business days
4. Add three dollops of chicken grease for strategic illegibilities

Yours truly, and you’re welcome,


Instructions: Circle the response that is least appropriate, then discuss to peak irritation.

1. Why is this night different than all other nights?
a) Netflix withdrawal symptoms.
b) A weirder-than-usual dynamic when the bill comes.
c) I get it, we’re both Jewish. Move on.

2. What do you do for a living?
a) You first (I’ll adjust accordingly).
b) Living? I make a killing! (For Wall Street: Seriously, it’s criminal. For not Wall Street: Next question).
c) What, you think you’re so special I’m going to tell you I’m Mossad on the first date?

3. What do you really get off on?
a) Consecutive prepositions.
b) Consecutive propositions.
c) Consecutive sex positions.

4. No, seriously, what do you enjoy doing in your free time?
a) Hot Yoga followed by Cold Stone.
b) Spinning. Politics. Spinning politics.
c) Volunteering as a Big Sister/Big Brother (I’m actually referring to my own younger sister/brother, but trust me, it’s a huge mitzvah).

5. What’s your idea of a good second date?
a) Hold on, like, with you?
b) Varenikes at a deli. Change is bad.
c) Hamilton—not the show, the city in Canada. Waaayyy cheaper.

6. Favorite music:
a) Progressive Trance.
b) Regressive Tantz (aka Klezmer).
c) Nickelback (prepare classical self-deprecating cheapness joke as face-saving backup).

7. Favorite haunts:
a) Kiddish tables (What? It’s free food!)
b) Shivas (What? It’s free food!)
c) Heebie Jeebie’s (What? It’s haunting!)

8. Jewish celebrity you’d love to sleep with:
a) Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
b) Lenny Kravitz (though he’ll always just be Leonard to me)
c) Jackie Mason (in a bunk bed with him on top, running his routines all night)

9. Your views on children:
a) I encourage my siblings to have more.
b) Not as strong as my grandparents’ views on grandchildren.
c) They’re selfish. Fine, I’ll take two. For me.

10. On a scale of 1 to 10, how is this going so far?
a) For me or for you?
b) Look, you’re at least a 6. But make one false move…
c) You’re a 10! (Note that I’m reading Hebrew-style, from right to left)

Still both there? Mazel! How’s Labor Day weekend for the wedding?

Eli Batalion is a writer, producer, actor and composer who’s been one of the bokhers behind the show J.O.B. The Hip-Hop Hopera, the film The Legend of Beaver Dam and now the world’s first 18+ comedic “Yigital” (Yiddish digital) series,YidLife Crisis.