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Everything You Wanted To Know About Ronan

And I’m afraid to tell

Marc Tracy
November 22, 2011
Ronan Farrow.(Wikipedia)
Ronan Farrow.(Wikipedia)

Ladies, you may have read in the news that Ronan Farrow, the son of Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, yesterday won a Rhodes Scholarship. It’s really no surprise: Ronan is a Wunderkind; he graduated college at 15 and law school (Yale) at 21 and, at 23, is currently in the employ of Secretary Clinton’s State Department.

Ladies, this is part of why people everywhere, particularly those of Ronan’s generation, live in fear of Ronan. You see, we know he could steal our significant others from us with so much as a glance, and, I mean, who would we be to argue? Ronan is our worst nightmare.

Ladies, you might be aware that Ronan is an important humanitarian writer, thinker, and activist. He has worked with UNICEF and the House Committee on Foreign Affairs.

But, ladies, Ronan is not just a pretty face. He has traveled around Africa performing research and pushing his agenda. He has published extensively in the Wall Street Journal and elsewhere. He and his mother led a somewhat successful campaign to tar the 2008 Beijing Games the “genocide Olympics.” He has worked for the Centers for Disease Control in Kenya. He has been a Los Angeles Times war correspondent in the Horn of Africa.

Ladies, Ronan is also a pretty face. A very, very, very pretty face.

Ladies, Ronan is estranged from his father. “To say Soon-Yi was not my sister is an insult to all adopted children,” he has said.

Ladies, you may be ignorant of the fact that Ronan’s grandmother, Maureen O’Sullivan, was a film star who appeared in the last great Marx Brothers movie, A Day at the Races.

Ladies, after the news was announced yesterday, Ronan tweeted, “Thanks all; #Rhodes is a great honor & opportunity. But for now very focused on fostering youth jobs and voices w/ #SecClinton & @StateDept.”

(Ladies, he is so smart that he figured out before we did that an ampersand is a clever way to expend only one character instead of three.)

Ladies, did you know that Ronan was a protégé of the late, great diplomat Richard Holbrooke?

Ladies, in case you missed it, Ronan is a lawyer. A lawyer!

Ladies, word is that Ronan is an extremely gifted public speaker. Don’t take the word, though; watch this amazing commencement speech he gave.

Ladies, Ronan’s given first name is Satchel. A better male first name has not been conceived.

Ladies, have we mentioned that his father is Woody Allen? Woody Freakin’ Allen?

Ladies, we are getting carried away. Sorry.

Ladies, if you were to consult Ronan’s Twitter feed, you would see that in addition to espousing his various commitments, it also contains flashes of the sort of neurotic humor that made his father so famous. For example, he tweets: “When I said death before dishonor, I meant alphabetically.” Lol!

Ladies, Ronan would actually choose death before dishonor.

Ladies, at Bard, Ronan studied both philosophy and biology, two disciplines each alike in dignity but requiring wildly divergent skills to master.

Ladies, Ronan Farrow is perfect. It’s undeniable.

Except, ladies, we hear he’s short. Very short. Just sayin’.

Marc Tracy is a staff writer at The New Republic, and was previously a staff writer at Tablet. He tweets @marcatracy.