Well, well, well, well, well. Ivanka Trump, daughter of Donald J. Trump—that New York-based real estate developer and self-proclaimed billionaire who has recently flirted with politics, as a few of you more Beltway-savvy folks may be aware—has given birth to a baby boy named Theodore. Ivanka and her husband, real estate scion/adept cheek dimple-displayer Jared Kushner, are now proud parents, making Donald a grandfather for the eighth time.
Baby Theodore. My heart is full. xx, Ivanka #grateful pic.twitter.com/aOux7Nm3BU
— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) March 28, 2016
Granddad, it seems, has given us the gift of seeing what baby Theodore’s future might look like, especially since, you know, both are of the masculine variety. I presume that Ivanka’s new wonder was born with large, masculine hands with which to build things, and a big masculine brain for thinking up terrific, terrific plans to make America great again. In time, baby Theodore will likely sport a fine thatch of thick, masculine hair that will one day turn the head and heart of the most beautiful, perfectly tanned international supermodel that Eastern European cloning laboratories will have to offer. And so he will be held aloft, like an offering, over the scaffolding of every half-built Trump hotel and semi-bankrupt-yet-pretending-to-be-closed-for-remodeling Trump casino in the land, and a voice, a loud and strong and deep masculine voice, will proclaim: “People of America! Behold this baby that will one day by your king!”
I’m kidding. Theodore’s just a baby. Just a nice, confused, and probably very tired little baby boy—and a Jewish one at that—who was born on Easter.
Now, we don’t have to remind readers of the dangerous prospect of a Trump presidency, we do that every day. What then, would the silver lining be? Well, given Theodore’s Jewish ties, maybe this time, if the world goes to shit, we won’t be the first victims; we’ll probably be given enough time to sell our businesses for their correct cash value and get like, a valid Sri Lankan passport before we have flee, which I think technically puts baby Theodore in the same category as Jesus, right? No wait, Jesus was born on Christmas—I know this, because I am a high-information voter who is also connected to the Heartland—on the floodlit marquees of their megachurches.
But will the birth of Theodore—is this some sort of private inside mockery of Ted Cruz?—have any effect whatsoever on Trump’s campaign? Well, it will certainly give Ivanka an excuse not to show up with a frozen smile on any of her father’s rally stages for a while, which will probably be a relief for her. (As I’ve said before, she seems like a genuinely nice person who just wants to sell reasonably priced footwear for young women to wear on their first round of post-college job interviews before they figure out that nobody cares if you wear heels, especially if they sit at a price-point south of Yves St. Laurent.)
But in terms of a baby boost—insomuch as that “humanizes” a “candidate”—let’s not forget about Chelsea Clinton, who gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, in September 2014, and is expecting her second later this year. Chelsea doesn’t have a shoe line or an Instagram account (although I’m expecting that any minute now). Which gender will Chelsea’s second child be? And will it be cute? How big will its hands be? Actually, now that I really think about it, I believe its only fair to reserve any judgment on Baby Kushner until baby Clinton-Mezvinsky is born. Let the people have a voice, you know? Then, and only then, should we hold a hearing on any infant candidate for High Office. It’s only fair to the American people, and this is really about them, isn’t it?