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Jewish Riots Erupt Following Netanyahu Cartoon

OK, not really

Adam Chandler
January 29, 2013

In the wake of a controversial cartoon published in the Sunday Times of London, massive crowds of angry Jewish protestors gathered in Hyde Park yesterday and, whipped into a fervor by local rabbis, took to the streets of London.

Incited by the inflammatory, blood libel-themed cartoon–which was released on International Holocaust Remembrance Day and featured a hook-nosed caricature of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu building a wall using Palestinian blood as mortar–the crowds descended on the Harvey Nichols on Sloane Street, where they broke store windows and set fire to the Charlie Allen and Ted Baker collections. The mob, unabated, next stormed the Royal Portrait Gallery, tearing down and defacing the centuries’ old collection of British kings and queens.

“We left the new portrait of Kate Middleton up” said Gerald Stein of Stamford Hill, “it’s offensive enough on its own.”

In north London, Jewish football hooligans loyal to the Tottenham Hotspur assembled their so-called ‘Yid Army’ and looted local pubs, emptying them of their Bass and Boddington kegs before raiding the various fish n’ chip shops across the Haringey borough. As the group laid waste to a biscuit factory, the entirety of old blighty stank of burning gingerbread. A cloud of soot traveled south, turning the white cliffs of Dover grey. There were also reports that numerous spokes of the London Eye were removed and bent into the shape of a Star of David.

Residents of London have been advised to stay in their homes until further notice and all British journalists have been put under police protection. No word yet on the status of London Mayor Boris Johnson, who was thrown into the Tower of London.

Adam Chandler was previously a staff writer at Tablet. His work has appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Atlantic, Slate, Esquire, New York, and elsewhere. He tweets @allmychandler.

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