Newt!
You sly dog, you. Just when some of us were concerned that the Republican party was slouching towards respectability—it’s been like, what, four days now since Trump has said something insane and wildly inappropriate?—you come charging with your brilliant suggestion (which you then walked back, kinda) that we test every person of a Muslim background and deport the ones who believe in Sharia. Don’t let the eggheads who’ve actually paid attention to the tenets of Islam tell you that you’ve misunderstood just about every single thing about Sharia: in your American heart, Newt, you know better than the facts. And you’re not alone, brother: I’m here to help.
Having spent a lot of time in the Israeli army—you know that means the Mossad, right?—I want to take your fine idea a step further. Let’s work out the details of how these interrogations of Americans Muslims can actually work so that we smoke out those Sharia-lovers and put them on the first Emirates Air flight to camel country. Ready? Here goes.
First, Newt, you have to realize that most people likely to become terrorists are young, which means that they’re Millennials. And Muslim Millennials are no different than young people of other persuasions, which means that they’re thoroughly incapable of having an emotionally honest conversation. These people can’t even commit to dating one person, so you can hardly expect them to commit to a religion. Ask them straight-up if they follow Sharia law, and they’re likely to say something like, “Yeah, I’m totally into Sharia! JK, I lied. Sorry not sorry! I can’t even, brah; the struggle is real.”
To figure out if young Muslims are Sharia dudes or not, why not apply a more cunning method and set up a Pokémon Go trap? Just you imagine: we introduce our own version of Sharia-inspired pocket monsters into the popular game, and see who jumps at the opportunity to catch ‘em all. Did you walk by the local mosque just to seek out Jihadlypuff, Imamewtwo, or Pikachu, Peace Be Upon Him? You’re probably way into Shariah and should be thrown into a pokeball and out of this godly country. Or, if that’s too high-tech, let’s just put out a Sharia filter on Snapchat and send the FBI to grab anyone who downloads it.
But really, man, you know it as well as I do: When sniffing out suspicious characters who believe in dangerous things like religion, it’s important to use your gut and get a good feeling right away if the person you’re talking to is religious or not. This kind of instinct can’t be taught, of course, but use obvious cues and clues to make up your mind. For example, if the person you’re talking to was raised in one religion and then converted to a second before finally marrying into a third; if he convinced that third religion, which absolutely disallows divorce, to accept him anyway and permit him full rites because, you know, he’s an important figure, like, say, a former speaker of the House; or if he did something so reprehensible that no sensible moral code would allow, like visit his cancer-ridden wife in her hospital room as she lay recovering from major surgery only to argue with her about the terms of their divorce so that he could marry wife number two, only to later divorce her for wife number three, 23 years his junior, but not before being repeatedly unfaithful along the way—if all these are true, Newt, it’s fair to assume the person you’re talking to just isn’t very serious about faith of any kind.
Hope this helps, man. Good luck to you on this campaign, and on making this country—founded to safeguard the religious liberties of minorities facing persecution—great again. Oh, and when you’re done with the Muslims, could you please look into Sikhs? I have no idea what they actually believe, but I don’t think we should take any chances.
Related: Trump Watch [Tablet series]
Liel Leibovitz is editor-at-large for Tablet Magazine and a host of its weekly culture podcast Unorthodox and daily Talmud podcast Take One. He is the editor of Zionism: The Tablet Guide.
