Though yesterday was not without its confusions, by the end it was clear: Tim Tebow—a conspicuous born-again Christian whose extremely unorthodox quarterbacking style produced an extremely improbable division championship and playoff victory for the Denver Broncos last season—is a New York Jet. He will play his home games in the swamps of Jersey, but, for all intents and purposes, Tebow is coming to the Big Apple.
With that in mind, the hospitable thing is to give him a few tips for his arrival at the capital of American Jewry:
• Tim Tebow, meet Mayor Koch.
• We stand up when we pray for serious, so if you’d like to keep “Tebowing,” then the last thing you do is kneel; we will just think you are tying your shoes.
• Howston. Howston Street.
• Don’t worry, we can’t afford tickets to Yankees games, either.
• Those people in Brooklyn are not Amish.
• I understand why You allow sin and evil to continue in this world. But Donald Trump? Really?
• No, Jewish people don’t believe Jesus’ middle name was “Fucking.”
• In fact, cream cheese is optional, and actually if you’ve got one of the older servers at Russ & Daughters, you will be complimented for electing to have butter instead. But if you really want to play in the NFL, order belly lox.
• You, Jeremy Lin, and Charlie Ward: That’s almost one-third a minyan!
• Maybe don’t mention the abortion stuff!
• Yes, we know Jesus was a Jew, too. Pointing that out is probably the worst way to win us over.
• You wanted to avoid the Browns, now you want to avoid Brownsville.
• SEC means something different here.
• Yes, we, too, are grateful to Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum for blessing us with your presence. But don’t thank us: Despite the name, Tannenbaum’s not Jewish!
• The redheaded one is Miranda, not Charlotte. Charlotte’s the hot one.
• Rosh Hashanah begins on a Sunday this year. If you really want to win the hearts of all Jewish Jets fans, take a dramatic stand and refuse to play in the game that day. Then refuse to play in every other game.
Marc Tracy is a staff writer at The New Republic, and was previously a staff writer at Tablet. He tweets @marcatracy.