The Kardashian Principle of Anti-Semitic Conspiracy Theorizing states that there is no incident too petty or insignificant for anti-Semites to blame on the Jews. The rule takes its name from the October robbery of Kim Kardashian in Paris, which a Palestinian TV commentator attempted to pin on, yes, the Jews.

The latest example of this principle in action comes from the internet Q&A forum Quora, where users can post questions to the community and receive crowd-sourced responses. The site boasts 100 million monthly unique hits. And this past week it boasted this query: “Why does my iPhone slow down permanently after I criticise Israel online? This is a serious question.”

The internet did not disappoint. “It’s because Apple is founded by the Illuminati and the Illuminati’s aim is to establish a Jewish world government so they slow down people’s iPhones so that these people don’t mess with the Illuminati’s plan to establish a Jewish world government,” explained one respondent. “Because [Apple CEO] Tim Cook’s uncle’s dad’s cousin’s sister is Israeli and like they don’t take kindly to any criticism,” offered another. “Maybe your phone is tired of you criticizing Israel online,” said a third. “Try to criticize Palestine and see if it goes faster, you never know.”

A third user wrote:

You may be aware that we just held our annual Meeting of the Elders of Zion. One of the issues we were grappling with was people criticizing us. One especially sleazy technology controller came up with a strategy to combat this.

Every time someone criticizes Israel or Jews, we will make their device slow down a bit. Eventually, they will either stop, or their phone will stop for them.

Of course this was with Donald Trump’s approval.

Another user offered more serious counsel. “My answer is, question yourself, not the phone you’re holding.” Then he added: “If my answer makes no sense to you, go ahead and get an Android device. Be careful though, I heard Google founders are pro Israel.”

The most practical advice? “Wrapping the phone in tin foil will solve the problem. Use the same foil that you use to make your hats.”

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