“I’m not stopping until my actual dick goes gold,” raps Lil Dicky, the Jewish comedy-rapper whose first album Professional Rapper and two of its singles have each sold over 500,000 copies. The video for his song “Pillow Talking” has almost 13 million views on YouTube, and he’s started working on a TV show that’s loosely based on his life. It seems like all of the 29 year-old’s dreams have come true. But despite all that he’s accomplished, there’s one thing Dicky has yet to achieve: finding love.
“Where do you see yourself in 30 years?” one fan asked on Reddit in 2015. “Man, hopefully in deep, deep love,” Dicky replied. “I’m crazy ambitious, and have a lot of boxes to check in terms of my own personal fulfillment from a career/I’ve done the best I can perspective. But that’s only half of what will provide me happiness. The other half will be finding my dream wife, and starting a family with her. I’m a slave to my ambition, and I need my wife to save me at some point. She’s the only one who can save me.”
That noise you’re hearing is a collective awww from every swooning woman in America (myself included). And being that the Jewish Valentine’s Day, Tu B’av, is this Sunday to Monday night, it’s an appropriate time to let all the unspoken-for Jewish girls know about this similarly eligible hopeless romantic and Jew.
“Man, this is the softest thing I ever did, but, it’s about something that’s pretty important to me,” is the beginning of Dicky’s 2015 song “Molly.” The music video shows an anxious Dicky getting dressed for a wedding, leading us to believe that his touchiness is from typical wedding day nerves. But then, our hearts are violently ripped out as we see the bride walk down the aisle right past Dicky. And Molly isn’t even a pseudonym. The song shares the true story of their breakup, and it has almost 19 million views on YouTube.
“The fact is I always put you second to rap—I’m not mad that you wouldn’t come. And even though I had to move, I ain’t move on… Wishing I ain’t gotta get that fame or I’d claim you. Know I’d give you my last name.”
“Molly” doesn’t hold back, and neither does Dicky. In this backstage interview at the shoot for the music video, he shares that he spent the morning looking at pictures of her and crying. But when Molly actually married someone else this past May, Dicky was presumably not in attendance, as he was posting his usual goofy pictures and videos for fans on Snapchat the night of.
We really feel for you, Dicky. And we want to help. So while you keep matching on Tinder, we’re going to use our Jewish audience to help you find the shidduch of your dreams.
Ladies: You know that Dicky is hilarious, talented, and in touch with his emotions. He’s also very Jewish, which we’ve told you about before. He’s responsible in the bedroom, being the face of Trojan condoms. (He’s also responsible because he’s terrified of contracting STIs).
While that neuroticism is arguably the most Jewish thing about him, Dicky has other merits that would make your Jewish mother kvell. He spent the Fourth of July playing concerts in Israel. Due to failed Birthright attempts in the past, it was his first time in the Holy Land. So Dicky recreated the Birthright experience in between concerts by touring religious sites and riding camels.
Lil Dicky, I’d ride a camel in Israel with you any day. And if you really want the authentic Birthright experience, which everyone knows is about continuing the Jewish lineage, I’ll gladly volunteer to join. Okay—forget everyone else. This Tu B’Av, will you be mine?
Or as you might say—lemme freak.