Every Wednesday, Senior Writer Allison Hoffman recaps the previous night’s episode of the glory that is Millionaire Matchmaker. For previous Matchmaker coverage, click here.
The time has come to meet the last two millionaires of the season, and, frankly, The Scroll is less than impressed. Matchmaker Patti seems a little distracted by her own upcoming nuptials and in a rush to get the whole thing over with—so much so that, instead of hosting her usual meat-market meet-up, she goes ahead and picks out two girls for each of this week’s bachelors. “Like a Fiddler on the Roof deal,” gushes Bachelor No. 1, Greg. She doesn’t call herself matchmaker for nothing!
Greg turns out to be Greg Knoll, a 47-year-old mortgage lender from Manhattan Beach, Calif. He is, we’re quite sure, the same Greg Knoll who advertises himself on YouTube (must-watch) as “the most interesting mortgage man in the world.” He skis and he surfs, and keeps properties in Mammoth and San Diego to prove it. And he’s ready to find a partner, despite the fact that he’s broken two previous engagements. “He’s the Runaway Groom,” Patti announces. There’s that Julia Roberts theme again.
Patti sets Greg up with Livia Milano, a cute occasional actress. Things don’t go well. The first thing he asks is whether Livia is a “spinner”—a Patti term for a petite girl who can, you know, spin in the bedroom. “I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be flattered or offended,” Livia tells him. Greg decides to patch up the awkward silence with an off-color joke about rabbits having sex. Livia is no less impressed.
Greg decides he is instead going to go on a real date with Melissa Hunter, a blonde spokesmodel who is also a veteran of a dating event known as “Financially Hung”. She goes by the nickname Mojo and says she is a vegan during the week but eats steak on weekends. Idiosyncratic!
Well, they go up to Mammoth for the day, and it turns out that Mojo doesn’t have any of it on the slopes. “I don’t have time to keep teaching women how to ski,” Greg pouts, and disappears down the mountain in a huff. He has plenty of time to cool off while Mojo is making her way down, and afterward they go for crudites at the lodge. Aside from guessing she’s a few years older than she is, Greg does okay, and he gets a little kiss as a reward. Despite his earlier complaints, the millionaire declares himself pleased.
But not as pleased as this week’s number two! Zagros Bigvand is a returnee from an earlier season, when he was kicked off the show for bedding his date on the first outing. Now he’s 31, and he promises he can control himself. Patti, unconvinced, calls his mother in Dallas to see if it’s true. “He’s a trusty guy!” confirms Mama Bigvand, and we’re off to the races. Bigvand is an Iranian Kurd who lives in Dallas, where he invests in real estate and does yoga in his living room. “I’ve got to find someone for him who is beautiful, grounded, has a great job, and keeps his schmeckel in his pants,” Patti announces.
That person turns out to be Susan Hirtreiter, the busty nurse who so bored oil heir Jason Davis earlier this season. Zagros, at a loss for what to do if he’s not allowed to touch this woman, breaks the ice by wheeling out his worst Al Pacino impressions, which, Susan declares, sound more like Joe Pesci. But she thinks it’s adorable! Then Zagros asks if he can lick her eye. Susan recoils. He recants and tells her about his bad back. Just the thing to get a girl hooked! But Susan actually is intrigued, and agrees to go on a date. Patti is nervous. “Susan has the S factor, as in sex,” La Matchmaker explains.
The pair meet at Trinity Boxing for a workout, and instead of just saying hello, Susan jumps up and greets Zagros by wrapping her legs around his waist. They do some jump rope warm-ups—or rather, Susan does jump rope, while Zagros watches, open-mouthed. “Can I get a sports bra here?” Susan jokes. By the end of the session they’re making out by the punching bags. “Kissing in the ring is something I’ve never seen before, and I hope to never see again,” says the hardened trainer, in the night’s only moment of true pathos.
Confoundingly, Patti has allowed Zagros to invite Susan to a private penthouse, where a chef is going to cook them dinner. Haven’t we seen this trick before? Whatever. Zagros tells the chef that he’s not hungry, because Susie’s kisses are so sweet. The chef is unamused. “I can’t compete with that,” he says woodenly, and promptly exits stage left. The lovebirds head out to the balcony to watch the sunset. “After boxing on the first date, I don’t know what you’re going to pull out of your shorts next!” Susan exclaims. We have some guesses! But Zagros honors his no-sex-on-the-first-date deal with Patti. The next da,y he turns up at Matchmaker HQ with a bottle of Veuve for the staff. “Mazel tov!” he shouts, and pops the cork. Patti toasts to a fruitful relationship.
That’s it, folks! Next year in Manhattan!