LOL Nidre

The Emails of Zion is a collection of messages from Jewish parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, and others who are eager—often way too eager—to inform their children about issues of pressing concern to the Jewish community. These are the voices of our elders, lightly edited and presented for the convenience of their progeny, who are often too busy to write back.

Forward emails from your elders to [email protected].

From: []
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2011 21:40:57
To: []
Subject: HIGH HOLIDAYS SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue.

In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the . . . (Check one)

______Talking section

______No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of
interest)

_____ Stock market

_____ Sports

_____ Medicine

_____ Congregate’s secret medical tragedies

_____ General gossip

_____ Specific gossip (choose)

_____ The rabbi

_____ The rabbi’s voice

_____ The rabbi’s wife

_____ The choir

_____ The rabbi’s “secretary”

_____ Fashion news

_____ What others are wearing

_____ Why they look awful

_____ Your neighbors

_____ Your neighbor’s relatives

_____ Prime Minister Brown

_____ Sex (Preference:______)

_____ Who’s cheating on/having an affair with whom

_____ Other:

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?

_____ Doctor

_____ Dentist

_____ Nutritionist

_____ Psychiatrist

_____ Child psychiatrist

_____ Mother in law

_____ Pilot

_____ Podiatrist

_____ Chiropractor

_____ Stockbroker

_____ Accountant

_____ Lawyer

_____ Criminal

_____ Civil

_____ Estate agent

_____ Architect

_____ Plumber

_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)

_____ Sex therapist

_____ Golf pro (tentative: we’re still trying to find a Jewish one)

_____ Other:_____________________________

4. I want to be seated (indicate order of priority)

_____ On the aisle

_____ Near the exit

_____ Near the window

_____ In Aruba

_____ Near the bathroom

_____ Near my in-laws

_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible

_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible

_____ Near the pulpit

_____ Near the kiddush table

_____ Near single men

_____ Near available women

_____ Near anyone who’s available – I’m bisexual or just not particular

_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services

_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services

_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi’s sermon (Additional Charge)

5.(Orthodox only)I would like a seat where:

_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza

_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza

_____ I can see my friend’s spouse over the mechitza

_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend’s spouse over the
mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people (limit of six names):

_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________

(If you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)