From Jeremy Corbyn*
To: All Staff
Date 2019-04-29 11.00
Subject: The Thornbird’s statement

Please circulate to all members the Thornbird’s statement that I’ve failed to tackle anti-Semitism in the Labour Party because I’ve been so upset by allegations that there is anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.

*hereafter designated, by his direction, The Supreme Leader, or TSL. For a Who Isn’t Who, click here.


corbynleak

From The Supreme Leader
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-04-29  11.34
Subject: As above

No, of course I don’t mean that to be a bloody confession that I’ve failed to tackle antisemitism in the Labour Party. There is no antisemitism in the Labour Party – but had there been, no one would have worked harder to tackle it than me. I don’t need to tell you that I’ve opposed racism all my life. It’s what I stand for. I’m zero tolerant of racism in every form. Zero! – and I don’t use words that begin with Z lightly…


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-2  11.56
Subject: The Thornbird’s big mouth

Well if it didn’t come out like that, blame the Thornbird. She likes the sound of her own voice almost as much as she likes cameras.


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-2  12.12
Subject: Camaraderie

No, I thought it was you that had a soft spot for her. Since your CND days…


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-2 12.16
Subject: World Peace

I’m not implying she’s as anti-Trident as you are. No one is. Even I’m prepared to go on funding our nuclear deterrent when I’m PM on the understanding that I won’t ever employ it. I believe other countries respect us for that. I’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth that the Russians are so impressed with our plans for a deterrent that doesn’t deter they’re developing one themselves.


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-02 14.21
Subject: Disloyalty

I know the Thornbird isn’t as Putin-partial as you are either. That’s why she’s only Shadow Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs and not Chief Spiritual Adviser to the Party.

Either way, I’d prefer it if our reservations about her didn’t reach the ears of Vlad the Impaler. Remember what he was like when he was Shadow Minister for Fire and Emergency Service. He thought it was his job to light fires. Since then he’s been travelling the country with his deselection road-show showing constituency parties how to ensure sitting MPs with unacceptable views never get re-elected. Give him a sniff of the Thornbird and he’ll have her for lunch.
I mean before lunch.
I mean have in the sense of send packing.


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-02 14.49
Subject: Don’t mention it to Chris

I’m only saying we can’t deselect everybody

. . .unless you think we can. . .


From TSL
To: The Thornbird
Date 2019-05-3 11.00
Subject: For future reference

As a personal favour to me, T, when you next find yourself being grilled by the Capitalist Press will you correct your statement to read ‘Jeremy is so upset by these unfounded allegations because of all he’s done to tackle antisemitism in the party even though there isn’t any.’


From TSL
To: The Thornbird
Date 2019-05-3 11.06
Subject: For future reference

What do you mean ‘Such as’?


From TSL
To:The Thornbird
Date 2019-05-3 11.41
Subject: For future reference

I accept you’re not being provocative, T. I know the Press demand concrete examples. It’s why I won’t talk to them. But here are a few crumbs you can feed them –

‘Such as’ Shamela’s enquiry into antisemitism which you might remind them didn’t find any … Apart from the occasional use of ‘Zio’ which is apparently a dirty word when we say it.

‘Such as’ reminding Conference that Auschwitz wasn’t only where they sent gays and gypsies.

‘Such as’ attending a Passover Dinner with a radical Jewish group that calls itself Jewdas after a famous Jewish hero. (Did you know that the Children of I*r*el murdered Egyptian babies? No, me neither. I thought that started later.)

‘Such as’ standing shoulder to shoulder with the Jewish people against Oswald Moseley’s Blackshirts at the Battle of Cable Street.

Please pass the above on to Whatsapp when you see him. Ever since he lost weight he’s been putting himself about as the only anti-antisemite in the party.


From TSL
To: Tom Whatsapp
Date 2019-05-04 10.17
Subject: Splitting hairs

I am well aware the Battle of Cable Street was 1936, Tom. You don’t have to tell me I wasn’t born then. I know when I was born. But my mother was and she stood shoulder to shoulder for us both.


From TSL
To: All Party Members
Date 2019-05-04 13.18
Subject: National Executive Committee New Ruling

FOR IMMEDIATE CIRCULATION:
Please be aware that following a ruling from the NEC, it is now official Labour Party policy that Jesus was a Palestinian.


From TSL
To: Red Len and ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-04 15.02
Subject: mood music

Been thinking, Len — could this be a good time for you to reprise your mood music line?


From TSL
To: Red Len and ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-04 15.09
Subject: mood music

No, not the one about how hard it must be to smooch with Barbra Streisand. That stays within the Party. I mean your riff about antisemitism being nothing but mood music to discredit me. What tune were you thinking of in particular and do you do think you could get every member of the Unite Union to hum it at the next Party Conference as I’m walking up on to the platform?


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-04 16.27
Subject: Can the mood music

Joking, Tankie, joking. I know it’s a terrible idea. I was being — what’s that word for the quality Z*o*i*sts lack? — irony. I was being ironical. You’re getting to be as bad as them…


From TSL
To: Molly
Date 2019-05-05 18.08
Subject: Classified

On page 2 of Ribbentrop wore Tefillin. Ken lent it me. It’s the one that proves that Habonim was an offshoot of Hitler Youth. It’s Ken’s only copy. In fact it’s the only book he owns and the only book he’s ever read so I’ve promised not to bend the pages. I’ve only had it a bloody fortnight, but you know Ken — he’s going to text any minute to ask how I’m getting on with it. If you run into him, lie for me and say I’ve nearly finished page 3.


‘Comrade, what part of the sentence “I am not a racist” don’t your people understand?’

From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-06 08.17
Subject: Smears

Comrade, what part of the sentence ‘I am not a racist’ don’t your people understand? After my record of standing up for persecuted minorities — even those I consider too well-heeled, too influential, and too white to be called persecuted — I find it hard to believe that anyone can think I have an antisemitic bone in my body?


From TSL
To: Comrade Klansman
Date 2019-05-06 08.36
Subject: Smears

Which part of the body is that?


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-06 11.32
Subject: Another one bites the dust

More bleeding heart defections this morning crying about the abusive mail they get. They’ll be doing it again on television tonight saying how hard it is living with death threats. We all get death threats. I got hit with an egg once. They should try living under siege in Benghazi.


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-06 11.49
Subject: Death threats

Gaza, then.


From TSL
To: Vlad the Impaler
Date 2019-05-06 14.32
Subject: Bleeding hearts

I see you’re booked to appear on Any Questions tonight. When they ask you how you feel about the latest traitors, remember to say you wished they’d stayed, and do your best to look as though you mean it. We’re supposed to be sorry to see them go, remember.
Oh, and don’t call them traitors.


From TSL
To: Vlad the Impaler
Date 2019-05-06 14.51
Subject: Bleeding hearts

Interesting point you make from your own experience. The more we’re attacked for being antisemites, the more people join the party. There’s a lesson there. And go on making the point that those who accuse us of antisemitism are only trying to silence criticism of I*****


From TSL
To: Vlad the Impaler
Date 2019-05-06 14.51
Subject: Asterisks

No, I***** is not a typo!
What other racist country begins with an I and has five asterisks?
And remember not to pull your Frankenstein face. At least when the camera’s on you.


From TSL
To: ‘Pussy’ Galorway
Date 2019-05-07 10.28
Subject: Frankenstein’s monster

Don’t know why Vlad had to check out my Frankenstein reference with you, Pussy. Hadn’t realised you were the expert on monsters. Other than Blair, I mean.


From TSL
To: ‘Pussy’ Galorway
Date 2019-05-07 10.43
Subject: Frankenstein’s monster

Yes, I do know Frankenstein is the name of the scientist. I had to read the whole first bloody Chapter at Sheffield. Couldn’t go out for two terms. I even wrote a dissertation on it. Read it aloud to Moll who couldn’t understand why it failed. Amazing woman.


From TSL
To: ‘Pussy’ Galorway
Date 2019-05-07 10.59
Subject: Amazing women

Not Moll — the Shelley woman. Shelley Winters, was it? But Moll’s amazing too. How’s your faygele?


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-08 09.35
Subject: Board games

Enjoyed playing ‘Great Soviet Invasions’ with you last night. That’s the third time running you’ve won by invading Hungary. But then you did have more heavy artillery. It’s my bad luck to keep getting Czechoslovakia.

Apparently there’s a new version due out that includes Crimea. Or do you want to wait until the tanks roll into London?

By the by — re what you said about those resignations — I am looking on the bright side. Soon the party’ll be — what’s the expression? — Gluten-frei?


From TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-08 09.56
Subject: Gluten-free

Whaddever. Strudel-frei, bacon-fry, Stephen-Fry, Juden-frei — I’ll be guided by you. You’re the scholar. Scholar-schmolar …
… no it isn’t an accident that I’ve started to lard my conversation with idiomatic Yiddish. I want to show them I’m listening… we don’t want to be losing Barnet again.


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-08 15.11
Subject: Irony

I’m glad I make someone laugh.
But then you do know me better than anyone else…
Do you remember when I bought you that porcelain Fagin holding a toasting fork? We had some laughs in those days, didn’t we?
PS Hope you destroyed it.


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-08 16.29
Subject: Laughs

Have no fears. This isn’t the thin end of the wedge. I won’t be holding peace talks with the Isr*elis next. You can’t talk peace with terrorists.


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-08 17.01
Subject: Cock up

Yes, I did hear about the cock-up. I’m still waiting for someone to explain who invited Hamas and Hezbollah for tea at the House of Commons on the same day? Thought it’s common knowledge they don’t get on. When I think of the efforts I’ve made to secure peace in The Middle East and now this happens! The Israe*is will be laughing up their sleeves.
By the way, do you know what a Hipster is?


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-08 17.27
Subject: Hipsters

… because I was at the hairdresser’s yesterday asking them to trim my beard Hamas style — apparently the Hezbollah look doesn’t go down well with voters in the Home Counties — and my barber said he thought I’d look better as a Hipster. But aren’t Hipsters the ones with the ringlets?


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-08 17.29
Subject: Hipsters

Ah, they’re Hasids … Ok.


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-08 17.29
Subject: Hipsters

Sweet of you to say I’d look handsome in a shtreimel, but I’m not familiar with what a shtreimel is.


From TSL
To: Name Obscured
Date 2019-05-09 11.42
Subject: Wreath-laying, location undisclosed.

Thanks for passing that on but please plead indisposition for me. I know, I know. It’s come to something when you can’t honour a friend just because he once compared Belsen to a Summer Camp in the Catskills. He may have over-egged it saying the food was better at Belsen, but I’m told there’s good evidence that the swimming pool was bigger than at Grossinger’s.
Yes, very good idea. Send a wreath by Interflora but best not say who it’s from…


From: TSL
To: ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-09 12.17
Subject: Shamela the Shameless

You elevate her to a peerage and the next thing she’s telling people who are talking about leaving Labour to stay faithful to the party and not personalize their complaints. ‘He’s just one person,’ she says, ‘and won’t be leader forever.’ I don’t know where she gets that idea from.


From TSL
To: Shamela
Date 2019-05-09 12.54
Subject: Ingratitude

I don’t know where you get that idea from…


From TSL
To: Shamela
Date 2019-05-09 12.58
Subject: Disloyalty

. . . that I won’t be leader forever . . .


From TSL
To: Shamela
Date 2019-05-09 13.04
Subject: Rank Ingratitude

Accepted.


From: TSL
To: Vlad
Date 2019-05-09 16.12
Subject: Treachery

I know your deselection finger must be itching but it’s too late to get rid of her: she’s in the House of Lords.


From: TSL
To: Vlad
Date 2019-05-09 16.26
Subject: Rank Ingratitude

Of course we don’t approve of the Lords, that’s why we put her there. Once we’ve abolished it we’ll have abolished her.


From TSL
To: Mack the Knife
CC: Mojito Molly, ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-10 20.19
Subject: Foreign travel

You’re the money man — how much would it cost to fly the whole party out to Buchenwald? Surely EasyJew flies direct?


From TSL
To: Mack the Knife
CC: Mojito Molly, ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-10 20.46
Subject: Bad Taste?

Oh, come on. I can’t be the first Leader of a Workers’ Revolutionary Party to have made that joke.


From TSL
To: Mack the Knife
CC: Mojito Molly, ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-10 20.46
Subject: The future

If you say so …

But what about my suggestion? I’m thinking for the next Conference. We’ve still got thousands of Palestinian flags left over from the last one and they’d make a good impression fluttering at the gates.


From TSL
To: Mack the Knife
CC: Mojito Molly, ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-10 21.38
Subject: Foreign travel

I don’t know what statement we’d be making. That humanity is one big family — something like that. That the real victims of the Holocaust are… You know.


From TSL
To: Mack the Knife
CC: Mojito Molly, ‘Tankie’
Date 2019-05-10 22.51
Subject: Foreign Travel

Fair enough, if that’s what you all think. But let me run another idea by you. Once we’re in government, what about renaming the West End the West Bank? Then no one could complain about the flags. We could nationalise Harrods. Call it New Hebron. It’s already full of Arabs anyway.


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-10 22.16
Subject: name-calling

Islamophobic me? That’s not funny, Moll. I haven’t associated with Muslim Fundamentalists all my life — supported the Taliban and Hezbollah, backed Bashar al Assad, invited Raed Salah to parliament (no, he’s the one who called Jews monkeys, not the comedian, that’s Red Buttons), appeared on Iranian television, regretted the assassination of Osama bin Laden, supported the ayatollahs, opposed rights for gays and women in the region, spoken up in favour of segregated schools and the wearing of the hijab — I haven’t done all this, Molly, to be called an Islamophobe.


From TSL
To: Mojito Molly
Date 2019-05-10 23.02
Subject: Irony

I know you’re teasing me, but people respect me because I don’t look like someone you can tease. I like to think I repel humour even more than ‘Tankie’ does. I’ve certainly done my best to all my life. And we don’t want to start jeopardising the Muslim vote now. Just remember how many more of them there are.


‘How many times do I have to say it? For the Jewish people I’ve nothing but respect.’

From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-10 23.37
Subject: For your eyes only

I hear you, Comrade, but you surely aren’t denying the influence of Jewish money in general and the Rothschilds in particular …


From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-10 23.41
Subject: For your eyes only

Slave trade, Boer War, NATO, 9/11, invasion of Iraq — How many more instances do you want me to provide? Read my introduction to John Hobson’s Imperialism. A brilliant analysis of how a ‘small group of international financiers, chiefly German in origin and Jewish in race’ have been pulling the levers of power… though it goes without saying that I completely reject the antisemitic element of the analysis….


From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-10 23.57
Subject: For your eyes only

I know how it looks. But you can’t expect me to support definitions of antisemitism that deny history, whitewash conspiracy, and turn a blind eye to imperialism.

Z*o*i*m is a racist endeavour, full stop. It’s built on principles of colonialism, apartheid and genocide and financed by unnamed international bankers called Rothschild. That being the case, how can it be racist to oppose it? Whatever is the source of racism cannot be the object of racism.


From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-11 00.48
Subject: For your eyes only

Well it might be a morally convoluted thought but I tried it out on ‘Tankie’ as he was marching his tin tanks into Budapest the other night and he agrees with it. I remember his exact words. ‘Well put, Jezza,’ he said.


From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-11 00.54
Subject: For your eyes only

I agree with you. This is where all our differences originate.

How many times do I have to say it? For the Jewish people I’ve nothing but respect. I fought shoulder to shoulder with them at Cable Street. Let me assure them that when we’re returned to power they’ll enjoy the same regard and freedoms we extend to people who’ve been here a long time.


From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-11 01.13
Subject: For your eyes only

I’m not getting into definitions of how long a long time is.

Look–you know as well as anybody that we’d be breaking promises we haven’t exactly made if we didn’t immediately recognize the Palestinian State, make it our official policy to support the Boycot and Divestment Movement, declare all settlements on Palestinian Territory illegal, call a halt to all arms sales to I****l, legalize Hamas and Hezbollah, declare the present Is*e*i Prime Minister and his cabinet war criminals, institute warrants for their arrest, restore the rightful name of Palestine to I*ra** (where the hell are the asterisks meant to go?) and instruct schoolchildren to alter their atlases accordingly. Contrary to irresponsible rumour, however, we won’t be making them sing ‘From the river to the sea/Palestine will be free’ at school assembly, though we won’t put obstacles in their way. Labour loves a singalong . . .


From TSL
To: The Klansman
Date 2019-05-11 02.19
Subject: For your eyes only

Yes, there are other songs, but look, TK — If any of this upsets Jews living in this country, I’m sorry but they must consult their consciences. Dual nationality comes at a cost. It won’t be Labour party policy to make them pack their bags and leave. But actions have consequences, Comrade. It might just be that when you make a friend of the racist in yourself, you forfeit the right to be protected from the racist in others…

No, not from me. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I’ve opposed racism all my life…


From TSL
To: Unknown recipient
Date 2019-05-11 03.28
Subject: What I believe

Of course I’m not going to go public with what I wrote to the Klansman late last night. What do you think I am – a shmuck?



Who Isn’t Who

The names of the recipients of the above leaked emails have been changed so as not to give them more publicity than they already enjoy.

Only the name of the leader of the British Labour Party has been retained on the grounds that one cannot misrepresent what misrepresents itself. Before the counterfactuality of Jeremy Corbyn—that shadow of a shadow who boasts unimpeachable anti-racist credentials if you leave out Jews, who fraternizes with violent terrorists in order to promote peace and votes to remain in Europe in order to leave it—invention faints.

‘Tankie’: Not be confused with the ideologically petulant Oxford educated anarcho-Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist who, by supporting the Soviet invasion of anywhere you care to name, abhorring violence unless it’s directed at British or Israeli subjects, and being the son of a one-time Chairman of the BBC, proves the old Talmudic adage that there’s nothing like a wise father to sire a foolish son.

The Thornbird: Not to be confused with ‘Snobby,’ one-time Shadow Attorney General who posted tweet sneering at British people who fly the cross of St. George outside their terrace houses, thus giving every rogue populist in the country an opportunity to practice false sympathy with the British proletariat—a form of class skullduggery that currently goes by the name of Brexit.

Vlad the Impaler: The party attack-dog, currently muzzled pending a vet’s report, and not to be confused with anybody.

Tom ‘Whatsapp’: Not to be confused with the Deputy Leader of the Labour Party who hasn’t yet grasped the Corbynite trick of not saying what you believe for fear it will turn the stomachs of voters who think you believe the opposite. In his chubby days he appeared to play the role of Sancho Panza to Corbyn’s Don Quixote. Now that he has lost weight there are two knights of the mournful countenance roaming the ruined landscape which is Brexit Britain, searching out a space between Right Extremism and Left Extremism and not finding any.

Red Len: Not to be confused with Red Len (or Red Ken, or Red Anybody Else, come to that), leader of one of the country’s largest Unions and possessor of one of the country’s smallest vocabularies. If it moves and he doesn’t like it, it’s a “smear.” Of all smears, the smear of antisemitism directed at his party is the smeariest.

Mojito Molly: Not to be confused with Corbyn’s oldest and most sanctimonious ally, famous for swigging cans of pre-prepared cocktails on the London Overground. After a Jew confronted her on the London Underground recently, asking why she refers to the clothes Haredim wear as “costumes,” friends are wondering if she should stay off public transport altogether. Since she posted a fake photograph of an Israeli warplane bombing Syrian homes, others are recommending she stay off all social media and mojito as well.

‘Pussy’ Prior-To-Each-Insertion Galorway: Not to be confused with excitable ex-Labour MP, expelled for bringing party into disrepute. Played a kitten in a television pantomime, thereby bringing party back into repute. A ferocious advocate of Israel withdrawing its forces from everywhere, but more tentative in the matter of a man withdrawing his phallus from a reluctant woman. “Not everybody needs to be asked prior to each insertion,” he has insisted. Today a forgotten figure of the Absurdist Left, resurrected for cheap laughs.

The Klansman: Not to be confused with a nice Zionistically-inclined Jewish boy who somehow fell in with bad company. Rumors that his support for Corbyn causes him to wake up in the night screaming are unconfirmed.

Shamela the Shameless: Not to be confused with once tireless campaigner for civil liberties who found so little evidence of antisemitism in the Labour Party that Corbyn awarded her The Order of Not Looking Very Hard and let her choose her own circle of Hell in which to devour herself. She chose the House of Lords.

Mack The Knife: Not to be confused with the cadaverous Shadow of a Chancellor who wears a tie the way Death carries an hourglass. Said to have read even more Karl Marx than The Supreme Leader so we could be talking whole pages. Such scholarship notwithstanding, ‘the Knife’ is a Marxist only on alternate days.

***

Read Booker Prize-winner Howard Jacobson’s monthly column in Tablet magazine here.





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