We are grownups. We do not have time to come up with elaborate last-minute Purim costumes. (And let me say for the record if anyone in my shul shows up dressed as Donald Trump with a Cheeto-dusted face, so help me God I will rip that flossy wig right off their head so fast it’ll make a RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant spin.)
I am here for you. Given that many folks cover their heads in synagogue anyway, here are some festive but easy and minimalist yarmulke-related costumes.
1. Lady Gaga fan? Whip up a kippah made of brisket. (Undercooked works best as headgear. Stitch the slices together with dental floss.)
2. You know that makeup kit you bought intending to dress as Donald Trump? Ignore the orange face paint. Go for the green. Then pin an aluminum pie plate to your head. Voila, you are Oscar the Grouch. Be sure to scowl a lot.
3. Low blood sugar? Here, have a waffle cone yarmulke.
4. I’m quite sure Seattle is trolling us with this trend story about tiny fedoras for your man-bun (let me repeat that: TINY FEDORAS FOR YOUR MAN-BUN), but SO WHAT. This is genius. Steal the hat from your child’s Indiana Jones action figure, pin it on. (If you have short hair, no prob, just buy a clip-on bun on Amazon and choose to ship by lightning.)
5. Purim is a feminist holiday. Celebrate ladypower with a crocheted vagina yarmulke. Granted, it probably won’t arrive from Etsy in time, especially since the artist is in Tel Aviv, but maybe you know someone in your town who can (pussy)whip one up for you.
6. Surely you are familiar with Philip Treacy, milliner to British royalty. A few years ago he made a fascinator strewn with playing cards. So easy to copy, people! Tape playing cards to pipe cleaners, wind the end of each pipe cleaner around a headband. (Bonus: This costume is conceptually fitting with the name of the holiday—Purim means lots, referring to the lottery Haman used to choose the date of death to the Jews. A gambling-related costume actually makes thematic sense!)
7. Dispense with your own costume entirely and put a yarmulke and festive ruff on your cat. Bring it to the Megillah reading. It will be so traumatized it will claw the living crap out of you, thus helping you identify with the suffering of the Jewish people. And no one will even notice that you don’t have a costume because you are carrying a cat.
8. Raid your child’s supply of fake food. Attach a plastic pineapple to your boring kippah and suddenly you are Carmen Miranda. Put a bunch of breakfast items on a paper plate, secure them with double-sided tape, run a string through both sides of the plate to tie it under your chin, and whoo!, you’re a discount version of an eccentric dame at Ascot.