Tonight marks the start of one of America’s favorite holidays. No, it’s not about honoring veterans or commemorating an important historical figure. It’s about capitalism! Amazon is hosting its third annual Prime Day, an event for their membership-subscribed users to get discounts on thousands of items. In honor of the holiday, here are some of the finest Jewish-themed things you can find on Amazon. You never know: one of them may go on sale this evening…
With its colorful illustrations, The Jewish-Japanese Sex & Cook Book and How to Raise Wolves is the perfect bedtime read for your little ones. But it better be a Prime Day offering, because $265 is a bit much to shell out for your kid’s bookshelf. If you’re looking for something in a similar market, the page recommends items that other shoppers viewed, including a book called Images You Should Not Masturbate To and “Bitten Baloney Sandwich on White Bread Peel and Stick Wall Decals.”
If your children are a bit older and are no longer entertained by books about animals, try this one out instead: Killing Hitler With Praise And Fire: Choose Your Own Horrible History. The description says the action-adventure gamebook will teach your kids the value of making the world a better place—a classic Jewish value!—through eliminating one of history’s most horrible figures. Acting as time-travelers from the year 2525, they’ll get to experience various time periods, so the book is essentially a history lesson as well.
If you’re not looking to shop for family or friends and would rather treat yourself to something nice, we have just the treat for you! After a long day of work, when all you want to do is unwind and bathe off all your troubles and stress, here’s something to help you set that spa-like ambience: a custom shower curtain of Jurassic Park star and Jew Jeff Goldblum holding a gorilla.
If you worship a different celebrity, or a different deity entirely, try on this shirt that covers all the bases: Jesus, “Jewish God,” Allah, and Tom Cruise. Entry to heaven guaranteed.
Speaking of shirts, if you teach Bikram yoga at your local JCC and are trying to figure out how to better instruct the alter kakers, this one that reads “stretch kvetch shvitz plotz” is sure to get through to them.
There’s plenty on Amazon for the very young as well: if you’re a parent to a boy who is not eight days old yet, and are thinking of BYOM—Being Your Own Mohel—you can start by shelling $192 on this circumcision trainer. And because Jews come in all colors, so does the kit: You can opt for white baby penis or black baby penis. (The black version, by the way, costs $4 more. Make of that what you will). And then, after you perform your first successful bris, you can reward yourself with one of these.
But if you’re looking for something that’s both more traditional and more trendy, check out Judaism’s own fidget spinners. Of course we were ahead of the trend by thousands of years.
A gitten Amazon Prime Day to all!
Sophie Aroesty is an editorial intern at Tablet.