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John Kerry Replaces Israelis’ Toilet Paper with Porcupines

In a funny new ad produced by the settlers’ lobby group

Liel Leibovitz
January 07, 2014

With American efforts to reach a breakthrough in the talks between Israel and the Palestinians in full throttle, the Yesha Council, the settlements’ lobby organization, has found the perfect spokesperson for its cause: John Kerry.

Not the real Secretary of State, of course, but a tall and unnaturally coiffed Israeli actor who bears an uncanny resemblance to the one-time Democratic presidential nominee. In a new video, the faux diplomat is touting his new service: John Kerry Solutions, Inc. Ran out of toilet paper? Try a porcupine, Kerry suggests while hovering above a hapless man in a bathroom stall. Your rear end all injured because of the porcupine? Wear a light and airy tutu skirt to the office. Your colleagues laughing at you because of the skirt? John Kerry Solutions, Inc., the video continues, have just the product for you, a prefabricated resignation letter, printed on fancy paper and scented with mango and passion fruit.

As the video ends, Kerry’s hapless client, wounded and without a job, is reduced to panhadling on the street. Smiling his signature smile, the fake Kerry tosses a dollar at him. “Here,” he says, “some American aid.” Then comes the service’s slogan: “John Kerry Solutions, Inc. We don’t have good solution, but hey, you got to do something, right?”

The humor offensive doesn’t end there. Those who found the Kerry spoof funny—and it is, very much so, regardless of one’s political opinion—are welcome to visit, where the gentleman from Massachusetts answers readers’ queries, like how to handle a cheating boyfriend: “Look at him with a straight face and threaten to leave him if he does it again. And try not to crack up; I always do.” Add sarcasm, then, to the list of challenges facing the American envoy.

Liel Leibovitz is editor-at-large for Tablet Magazine and a host of its weekly culture podcast Unorthodox and daily Talmud podcast Take One. He is the editor of Zionism: The Tablet Guide.