The Chosen Ones is a weekly column by author and comedian Periel Aschenbrand, who interviews Jews doing fabulous things.
He describes himself as an “aging Jew maniac,” which may not be wrong, but it’s not mutually exclusive from being a national literary treasure. Indeed, I’d argue, Jerry Stahl is possibly one of the only real writers America has left; he’s a writer the way writers were writers when they were crazy lunatics.
Even though plagiarism is all the rage right now, I admit that this idea comes from the television show Maron. In one episode, a used book store owner launches into a tirade, saying “Writers used to live lives! Henry Miller put pubic hair on ham sandwiches! Norman Mailer stabbed his wife. William Burroughs spent a year in Tangiers shooting dope and staring at his big toe and he shot his wife. He came away with Naked Lunch. Nobody buys books by maniacs anymore!”
Although Stahl is a writer and consulting producer on that show, he is, first and foremost, a writer of books—a Pushcart Prize-winning author of many, many books, including the “harrowing and gut-busting” bestselling, memoir Permanent Midnight (which was made into a film starring Ben Stiller, Maria Bello, and Owen Wilson). And, perhaps more importantly, Stahl is nothing if not a maniac.
Also, as has widely been reported, he was a heroin addict. For a long time. Because of that—having survived that—he now, at age 61, has this Buddha-like Zen thing going on and doesn’t worry about too much bullshit these days. I could editorialize more here, but the truth is that the best part of hanging out with Stahl is getting to just listen to the things that come out of his mouth.
Jerry Stahl: I don’t really fit the mold of a typical Jew.
Periel Aschenbrand: I know. That’s why you’re here. Neither do I.
JS: What do you mean? You don’t consider yourself an intellectual Jew?
PA: Well, if you put it like that, I mean, yeah. But then, you’re one too!
JS: My grandfather—who, incidentally was illiterate and from Poland—
PA: —not that the two have anything to do with each other.
JS: Right. He used to say, “If you ever forget you’re a Jew, a gentile will remind you.”
PA: That’s charming.
JS: It was real. I grew up in a completely not Jewish neighborhood in Pittsburgh. I was the only Jew in a school of 800. I actually got beat up for killing Jesus—when I was nine.
PA: For someone who doesn’t consider himself a typical Jew, you sure have a lot of Jewish stuff.
JS: For my next book, I’m going on a 13-day tour of the death camps. I’m not a tour kind of guy, I can handle the camps, I’m not sure about the tour. It’s those people who can be so awful.
PA: I read that you have a little kid.
JS: Her name is Nico. She’s four.
PA: A trip, huh?
JS: You should see how they look at me when I pick her up from school—like I’m Mengele.
PA: Ha! And you have an older daughter too?
JS: Yes. My beautiful, smart, talented 27-year-old daughter is an atheist. I tell her, “Hitler would still kill you. You can be whatever you want, but you’re still going in an oven.”
PA: I never really thought about it like that, but that’s a fair point. What is this obsession with the Holocaust?
JS: Look, I was working at McDonald’s when I was 38. I’m playing with house money. And, you know, I’m pain snob. I don’t trust people who haven’t suffered.
PA: Spoken like a true writer.
JS: I’ve read your book, I know you know what I’m talking about.
PA: You did?!
JS: Yeah, I loved the diaper story.
PA: This seems like a good place to switch gears. What’s your favorite drink?
JS: I’m sober, Periel. It’s water.
PA: How do you eat your eggs?
JS: With a fork.
PA: Ha!
JS: Oh don’t write that, it’s so corny.
PA: No, it’s funny! How do you drink your coffee?
JS: Black. And not all the time. As a drug addict, anything you do every day loses its potency and when you start doing it to maintain, you’re strung out.
PA: What’s your favorite Jewish Holiday?
JS: Whichever one I can remember. I’m always like, did I forget Passover?
PA: What shampoo do you use?
JS: Whatever’s there. And even if I had one I wouldn’t tell you.
PA: Gefilte fish or lox?
JS: Neither. I try not to eat predigested food. Gefilte fish looks like an albino fetus floating in a jar of brine.
PA: Favorite film?
JS: It changes every day. Enter the Void. Ask me tomorrow it will be different.
PA: Five things in your bag right now?
There’s nothing in my bag. I don’t even usually carry a bag. I just have this because I was going to go to the bookstore.
PA: Favorite pair of shoes?
JS: I had a great pair of boots as a kid and I was hitchhiking in the ’60s or ’70s and I wound up in jail in Santa Cruz. I got arrested for something really radical, like vagrancy. You know, in jail the first thing they take is your shoes.
PA: I thought the first thing they do is…
JS: Shoes. It’s the shoes.
Periel Aschenbrand, a comedian at heart, is the author of On My Kneesand The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own.
