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Penelope Cruz Cheats on Crossword Puzzles

Hey Siri, ‘Who was the Prime Minister of Britain in 1868?’

Jonathan Zalman
December 14, 2015

I know a few things about life, but that’s it for sure. I know that Principal Skinner served in Vietnam; I know that the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach; I know that “stomach” is a seven-letter word; I know that asking the Internet for help on a crossword is one of the most ethically ambiguous actions a human being can seek to take in this tough life thank you very much. And now I know that Apple is a morally vacuous corporation that clearly could not cares less about the basic tenets of decent human behavior.

“Oh hey, I’ve got it!” said some Apple marketing honcho with fresh and hip ideas. “Let’s put Penelope Cruz in a new commercial touting Siri, that devil robot masquerading as a pal that is really just collecting and selling the world’s secrets! Let’s show her doing something we can all relate to, like a crossword on 1,000-thread count sheets!”

And it was written.

Enter Penelope, with that electric accent and deep eyeliner and ageless beauty. At the crossroads of a mental impasse, Penelope wonders what to do. She looks up and unto her is provided with a realization that the conundrum the crossword puzzle has presented to her is totally solvable. No, the answers don’t lie above, with the guy in the sky; the answers lie with Siri. Mental gynmastics, up and over the intellectual pommel horse, need not apply.

“Who was the Prime Minister of Britain in 1868?” Penelope asks Siri. The answer, of course is—oh, just ask a friend.

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Jonathan Zalman is a writer and teacher based in Brooklyn.